


Been waking up alone

by Mariije



Category: Narry Storan - Fandom, Niall Horan/Harry Styles - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Narry - Freeform, Niall Horan/Harry Styles - Freeform, Pining Harry, Slow Build, Slow Burn, narry storan - Freeform, pining Niall ???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-06-08 08:37:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 71,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6847420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mariije/pseuds/Mariije
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>NEW CHAPTER!</p><p> </p><p>What was the point again to let Niall even come to his room and lay behind him, matching all the curves of his body with his, when Harry would feel like this in the morning. Needing so much time and convincing that he could act normal again once they would meet in the day light?</p><p>Oh yeah, 'cause Harry was in love with Niall. That's why.</p><p> </p><p>or: Harry is pining over Niall, who keeps on coming to sleep next to him, but always leaves before Harry wakes up, not giving Harry the opportunity to ask him to stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Harry woke up disorientated and confused. It took many moments to start remembering who he was and where he was. Harry knew before looking that he would be alone in the bed, but he still had to check. It shouldn't have been such a disappointment when Niall's body wasn't curled up next to him. He knew he never stayed the whole night, he always went to his own bed at some point of the night. He knew, so why did he feel this sting in his heart once again? He knows better...

Harry stood up and put some clothes on, 'cause there was no hope of getting any sleep anymore. How many times Harry had hoped that even once he would wake up when Niall was about to leave so he could stop him. Or him to have the braveness to go up to Niall's room and to be the one curling up around him, so Niall wouldn't have a place to escape. All though, it would be all more horrible if even then Niall would disappear from the bed. I guess Harry wasn't ready to find out.

Harry took a long hard shower and hoped it would make him feel better. And then he did some yoga until he started to feel more relaxed again. What was the point again to let Niall even come to his room and lay behind him, matching all the curves of his body with his, when Harry would feel like this in the morning? Needing so much time and convincing so he could act normal again once they would meet in the day light?

Oh yeah, 'cause Harry was in love with Niall. That's why.

 

\-----

 

Harry met the others at the bus once everybody were ready to move to the next city. Harry spotted Niall first, sitting on the sofa eyeing the tv. Louis and Liam were talking about something Harry had no interest in as long as the blond boy looked dashing as ever even though he probably hadn't done anything other than put on the first clothes he saw and put a cap on his head. 

Harry walked to the sofa and fell down next to Niall, almost too close. "What's with that?" Harry leaned for Niall's ear as if they were on stage. "Leaving me alone in the morning. Again?" Harry said playfully, with a frown on his face, but laughter in the corner of his eyes. Niall pulled back a little bit so he could look Harry in the eyes, before small smile spread into his face. Even though it wasn't the normal beaming smile Niall usually had, it was as radiant - and it was Harry's favorite, 'cause it had something as if only meant for Harry's eyes to see. 

"Wanna play some fifa?" Niall asked then with a wider smile, not answering to Harry's comment at all. Harry looked at Niall for a moment longer as if his frown could've made Niall's thoughts magically appear to him, then he just shrugged and leaned away from being too close to Niall. 

This wasn't the first time Harry had talked about Niall coming to sleep next to him and always leaving him during the night or morning. He just came there, spooned himself to Harry's back and then left after sleeping for a while. But not even once had Niall commented about it with more than a jokingly said sentence: "I felt lonely", with a crooked grin on his lips. 

First time it happened Harry had been in deep sleep and in the morning when Niall was gone, he thought it all to be a dream. But when he saw Niall later, Niall seemed a little bit embarrassed and came to him saying quietly: "sorry about last night, I just couldn't get any sleep on my own bed". Harry had been beyond confused, but just shook his head and said: "no problem mate, it's fine, come whenever you want". At that point it was Niall's turn to be surprised, but he recovered from it quickly and the normal beaming smile found it's way to his lips. "Thanks mate", Niall smiled and tapped Harry's shoulder quickly before returning to whatever he was doing earlier. Leaving Harry stand there with a blush on his cheeks. 'Come whener you want', what the heck...

 

After that it didn't happen in a long time. So long that Harry started to think that it all might have been a dream after all and let it slowly slip out of his mind. They had the Christmas break and all, but when they were back to touring again the next year, it started again. After the first night on stage when they had gone to their hotel, Niall crawled to Harry's bed again. Harry didn't even get startled even though he was woken up with someone getting under the covers and carefully getting their body close to Harry's. It probably was Niall's scent that kept Harry calm, knowing there was no reason to get startled. 

"Hi", Harry whispered with a low and deep voice, rasped from the sleep. Niall winced behind him clearly thinking Harry hadn't woken up. Harry wiggled himself backwards till his back was touching Niall's chest. Niall stayed frozen for a moment until giving in and relaxing his body. "Hi", Niall whispered surprisingly close to Harry's neck, making shivers run down Harry's spine. Then Niall's hand slowly found it's way to Harry's waist. 

"This okay?" Niall whispered while wrapping his arm around Harry's waist. Harry let out a muffled approval and just pressed his back against Niall's chest again for him to sink his face into Harry's neck. And that's exactly what Niall did, making Harry's heart pound like a maniac. But it didn't take too long for sleep to catch on Harry again and what came for the next times, Harry quickly learnt that Niall's spooning was the best sleep medicine there was. Apparently for Niall too as he kept coming back...

 

\----

 

Harry and Niall were always very touchy feely, they had always been. They were best mates and Harry doesn't quite know when it actually started, when did he start catching some other feelings for the blond that he wouldn't catch on with the other boys. It all had something to do with the way they fit together, they just went well together. So it was easy just go with it. But at some point Harry started to pay attention to how Niall's opinions and presence became more important than others. How he wanted to be close to Niall all the time. First Harry thought it was just because Niall is Niall, and his presence made everyone feel better, his smile could make even the rainy day feel sunny. Niall was happy and with Niall it was easy to be happy too. 

Then Harry believed it was because Zayn left. They all sought comfort and assurance from each other. Niall's shine wasn't as bright anymore for a while or then Harry just saw past it. Saw that Niall was working more to be his happy and bubbly self. Harry wanted to be there for him. Always there for him. 

Around that time Niall first came to sleep next to Harry and it wasn't hard to guess that it might have had something to do with Zayn leaving, when Niall had hard time sleeping. But after that first 'sleepover', Harry finally started to admit that there was more to it for him than that. Of course Harry loved to be around this bubbly person and of course he wanted to be there for his mate, but in the end he wanted to do more than best friends would..

It took time for Harry to be okay with the idea. It helped to go home for the holidays and spend time a part for just a little while. To come to terms why he was missing Niall the most. Why he was missing their closeness, their touching, their vibe when they were together. Accepting his own feelings took time, but after he did that it never was the same again. 

After that Harry couldn't really look at Niall the same or touch him the same. For an outsider it looked no different, but for Harry it felt different. Suddenly he felt like blushing after a dirty joke or felt like hugging Niall every time he giggled, finding himself wanting to grab Niall's face and kiss him right on the lips when Niall was smiling like he was the sun. 

But it was all good. All good. Niall was his best mate and that wasn't going to change.

 

\-----

 

It had been a long day, they had traveled for hours and then without enough sleep pulled an amazing gig. They all were beat when they got to the hotel. Niall and Harry had been their usual selves at the stage, messing around and dancing while Louis and Liam had their water fights. Harry was still stirring from the energy on the stage, the crowd had been absolutely fabulous. On the back stage all of the boys had still been full of energy, high fiving and tapping each others shoulders for the good night, but in the car everyone had been more tired than anything. Every single one of them dreaming about getting to a real bed for the night. And having the possibility to sleep in a little the next morning for they didn't need to get moving till noon. Harry was almost too tired for a shower, but just almost. He had taken a quick shower after the gig, but he wanted to wash his hair and really relax under the warm water knowing he didn't have to move more than ten steps to get to his bed after. 

Harry felt better after the shower, hair smelling good and skin little bit wrinkled from the fingers and toes. The bedroom was dark, but Harry could immediately make out a unusual shape on the bed. The sheets weren't laying flat against the mattress as if someone was curled up under them. 

Harry couldn't fight the smirk coming together on his lips, as the warm fondness grew in his chest. Suddenly Harry felt strong as if the shower had washed away all the loss of energy.  
"Wouldn't have thought you'd have trouble sleeping after a day like this", Harry spoke calmly, making his way next to the bed, only towel on his waist and another one that he used to dry his curls. Niall peeked from under the sheets and took a long hard look over Harry's appearance before saying anything. 

"Don't like the bed. Too big and hard to sleep alone", Niall said under the covers, eyes still roaming over Harry's body. With unfamiliar confidence Harry dropped the towel on his hands and then let the other towel down as well, leaving him fully naked standing there under Niall's prying eyes. Harry pend down to pick up his boxers to put them on, unseemly slow considering the situation. It was only when Harry returned his eyes to Niall, when Niall moved quickly to lay on his other side, back facing Harry. 

Harry couldn't say if it was embarrassment or what that made Niall turn, but at least he didn't get up and return to his own room. And most of all he didn't make any jokes or broke into laugh, making it clear that seeing Harry naked was just another funny thing for him to be amused of. It gave Harry a small chip of hope that maybe Niall could take him seriously sometimes. That maybe everything Harry let out of his mouth or all the jokingly flirts or all the touches Harry layd on Niall, wouldn't always be taken as a joke. Maybe, oh maybe Niall might see the seriousness behind the laughs and smirks. Feel the heart that's pounding like crazy when Niall bursts into sweet laugh every time they interact. Noticing the deep fondness in Harry's eyes every time he looks at Niall. 

Harry lifted the blanket to lay down next to the body which had carefully turned away from him. For a second Harry felt fear in his heart, dreading the possibility that he had gone too far. But then he remembered it was Niall next to him. Niall would absolutely right away let him know if he had gone too far. So with the assurance of that thought Harry made his way to Niall's and molded his body against the curves of Niall's, until they were touching from head to toe. 

"This bed feel better?" Harry murmured into Niall's neck, surprised by the depth of his own voice. Harry could feel small trembling, as if for Niall too, this was as it was for Harry. But the trembling could've came from Harry as well, couldn't be sure from the stirring he felt under his skin. Niall hummed quietly as a yes, not saying more.

Harry would've wanted to wrap his hand around Niall lower than the waist but that's not something he had enough braveness, so he let his arm curl around the blonds waist, where Niall always held him too. Harry would've also wanted to press his hips against Niall's bum but that was of course out of the question. It would be little bit tricky trying to explain you massive boner to your best mate after rubbing hips on him. Only the thought was dangerous forcing Harry to take a deep breath so he wouldn't get lost in those thoughts. 

They hardly never spooned this way, it was almost every time - at least in the beginning - Niall being the big spoon and Harry the little. It felt somehow very exciting for Harry to be to one pressing himself onto Niall and not just being there hoping Niall would take a tighter hold of him. Maybe now he could hold on to Niall so tight he wouldn't be able to get away. At least without waking Harry up.

Suddenly all the sexual tension in Harry's body disappeared and all that was left was the massive urge to crush Niall against his chest. Keep him close so he couldn't get away. That he wouldn't want to. Not again leaving him to wake up alone, wondering how long Niall had been gone already. 

"Stay..." Harry whispered before even realizing he was the one saying it. Niall held his breath, giving Harry the certainty that he was still awake despite the slumber they were both quickly falling into. "Just stay..." Harry whispered before burying his face to Niall's neck and giving in for the sleep.

 

\----

 

Harry was used to the disappointment but this time it wasn't only disappointment anymore when he woke up alone in his bed, no Niall in sight. Harry even tried to listen if Niall would only be in the bathroom or in the balcony, but no matter how long he waited Niall was not there. And it hurt. It was no longer just disappointing, it was hurtful. It almost made Harry want to cry. 

But what had he waited for? That once he asked him to stay he'd stay? 

Well yeah, that's what he had waited. At least hoped for. From the bottom of his heart. 

Later when he joined the others in the tour bus he didn't go to Niall as usually and make some witty comment or joke about the bed being cold. Instead he went and talked himself into conversation with Liam. He acted as if everything was fine, laughed and smiled without really feeling like it. Ignoring Niall's bambi eyes looking at his direction every now and then, trying to figure out if everything was fine. As it was. Fine. If he had come up asked Harry would've said yes immediately. 'Yes, everything's fine'.

But it wasn't.

 

\-----

 

Next show was amazing, but different. Different with Harry and Niall. They still had fun on the stage, but it wasn't quit the same. Niall noticed it too how Harry wasn't so into the usual things they did, only halfheartedly dancing with him, only giving him quick grins instead the long smiles. Spending more time only singing to the crowd and dancing alone. Not coming to Niall and whispering things in his ear. So yeah it was amazing, crowd cheering like never before, but different, Harry forcing himself concentrate on other things than Niall. Anything but Niall.

Presumably Niall didn't come up to Harry's room that night. Or the next. Or the next...

It was surprisingly quick when Harry started feeling quite normal around Niall. When they were normal again. Laughing and smiling to each other, but the touching had become lesser. As the consequence of Harry not placing himself as close to Niall as normally. Usually he was always next to him, sitting, standing, dancing. The best place had been as close as possible. Now the best place was across of him. So Harry could still see him, smile at him, laugh with him, but far enough for his hands to stay safely behind his back. Clutching his fingers together so they wouldn't reach for Niall anymore. 

 

\----

 

One night after many days of recording and then throwing an amazing gig, Niall made it impossible for Harry to make it across him. Niall came from the stage right after him hands on his shoulders and when the work crew started to huddle around them, Niall clang himself into Harry's side. He kept his other hand on the further shoulder and was leaning on the other with his chest, chin resting on Harry's shoulder bone almost breathing into Harry's neck. Niall looked very tired but oh so happy, just helping himself stand without so much effort by hanging onto Harry. And Harry couldn't make him go away, no way... After weeks of staying away. Not possible when that sweet blond let his eyes blink slower and breathing in Harry's smell. He looked like he belonged there and Harry felt his heart swelling with fondness. 

Then the next moment came and everybody started to scatter and go on their ways and Niall seemed to wake up for this world. He glanced at Harry as if not wanting to step away, but did so anyway. Harry thought he would've felt relieved, but he only felt loss. How could he ever be able to handle the hiatus if he was gasping for breath only when the boy just took one step away from him?

They all were escorted to the car and when everybody else seemed okay, Harry was panicking. How could he be okay with not being with these people the next year? Not living the life he had gotten used to? Not seeing the boys every day? Not seeing Niall?

Niall was already looking at him when Harry looked for him, heart pounding with the anxiety. As if Niall knowing Harry wasn't okay. But he didn't say anything, just looked at him with a frown between his eyebrows. Only when they got to the hotel Niall came to him and just walked with him, their shoulders brushing against each other. They were escorted to their rooms and Harry almost turned back when he came to his room's door. He wanted to turn back and walk to Niall and make him tell everything was okay. That it wasn't all over.

But he didn't. He just opened to door with his key card and went in. The dark room felt oddly comforting. Not being able to see anything gave Harry some time to gather his breathing. But the truth was that he didn't want to stay on the opposite side of Niall, he didn't want to just smile and laugh with him. He wanted to do everything with him. Wanted to share everything with him. And if that wasn't possible he wanted back what they had had before. The closeness, the way they just fit together. He wanted Niall back.

The light of the hall stopped Harry for a moment, making him wonder how long had he been mulling over his thought in the dark hotel room, before bursting out of the door. After his eyes got used to the light, Harry started walking along the hall to the door where he was pretty sure Niall was. Only after Harry had knocked on the door his hands started trembling, making Harry shake all over. 

"Harry?" Niall breathed once he opened the door without a shirt on. "Can I come in?" Harry asked trying not to be distracted by the view. Of course he had seen Niall without a shirt hundreds of times, but still it was a view Harry enjoyed. 

"Of course", Niall rushed to say and let Harry walk pass him. "Is everything okay?" Niall asked with worry in his voice. He followed Harry into the room and watched as Harry walked nervously for a moment. 

"I'm sorry, okay?" Harry let out finally and stopped the walking. "I'm sorry I asked you to stay. I just hated always waking up alone so I wanted you to stay", he talked and pulled fingers through his hair, like wanting to rip some of them out.

"Now I just want all to be normal. Us to be us again. For real, no just half of it, not just for show. I can't stand the thought of us going for the break if we aren't us", he rambled and sighed in the end, finally looking at Niall for real. Niall was utterly confused and troubled and surprised and... Relieved. 

"Oh Harry", Niall said then and some fondness appeared in his eyes. "It is us", he said quietly and took few steps closer. "It's always us, we're good", he talked, making Harry's panic start to settle down. But it was only when Niall closed him into his arms when Harry started to feel like himself again. "We're good and we'll continue being good", Niall reassured. Maybe talking about the band, about the boys or Harry and Niall. Probably about all of them. 

After Niall had made sure Harry was all calmed down he pulled himself of and said: "I was about to take a shower. Would you want to stay here, wait a minute and the hang out for a while, maybe watch a movie or something?" Niall babbled studying Harry's face to know if he was still upset. 

"Yeah", Harry said quietly and let Niall pull himself out of reach and after one reassured smile later disappearing to the bathroom. Harry stood there for a long while in the middle of the room, just looking around trying to figure out what to think or what to do. In the end he decided he was too tired and too confused to escape to his room and let his fear take over, about the lack of words from Niall regarding to the last time they slept in the same bed. Harry wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad thing.

Harry had hardly gotten to the bed when Niall was already done with the shower. He scoped through the room and when he found Harry from the bed he seemed surprised as if he had thought Harry would've left. Harry concentrated looking at the tv - that he hadn't even noticed being on before that moment - when Niall went to put on some sweats and a t-shirt. Then he walked to the bed and quite carefully placed himself leaning on the wall at the head of the bed. 

"Come here", Niall said quietly and touched Harry's bicep to make him back up to his arms. And that's exactly what Harry did, placed himself against Niall's chest as Niall's hands wrapped around his torso. Niall hugged him lightly from behind and placed his cheek against Harry's hair that was still messy after the show.

"I wasn't sure", Niall whispered so quietly Harry wouldn't have heard him if he wouldn't have been right next to his ear. "I wasn't sure you said it", he continued now finding some more voice. "That you asked me to stay", he clarified making Harry's heart pound. Niall's hand was right above his chest so he must've felt it, but Harry didn't care. He sure wasn't going to start squirming around now when Niall was finally talking to him. Finally talking about the subject he had wanted get to the bottom of since from the start.

"I had almost fallen asleep already, like I always do right away when I sleep next to you. And your voice wasn't more than a whisper and muffled on to my neck so I couldn't be sure if I heard you right or if you were saying yes in spanish or something..", Niall talked faster and not whispering anymore, bringing a snort out of Harry with his words. And Harry felt immediately better. Lighter. 

"And when I woke up in the morning I couldn't be sure if you had said anything at all", he sighed and stroked Harry's chest soothingly. Harry felt much lighter and more okay than in weeks, but there still was this tightness in his heart that even Niall's soothing hand couldn't sweep away. 

"I would've stayed, you know", Niall whispered then leaning closer to Harry's ear, making shivers run down Harry's spine. Niall was so close that it would've been easy to just turn around and pres him against the mattress under him. Kiss him senseless. 

"Why didn't you? Ever?" Harry whispered instead, heart racing in his chest, hands sweating. It pained Harry to be back against Niall when he couldn't see his face, his expressions. 

Niall grunted a little bit and pulled his head back and for a moment Harry was afraid he'd pull away entirely. "Well first time when I woke up pressed against you in the middle of the night I panicked. The whole day had been a mess and I was more tired than I had ever been and in that moment nothing seemed to calm me down other than the thought of coming to sleep next to you. But once I had gotten some sleep I didn't know what to think. So I fled not wanting to face everything I had been going through the previous day", he explained making Harry hold his breath as if taking a breath might stop this word flow coming from Niall. 

"And after that.." Niall sighed troubled. "I was too scared to face you in the morning. Face the fact that I was waking up next to you. I know it sounds mental", he laughed awkwardly to himself. "I know I should've been okay with you teasing me in the morning, making a joke obout it, us sleeping together, me not being able to sleep without you", Niall spoke losing the smile from his voice. "But I wasn't. I knew it should've been okay, it's not the strangest thing for best mates to cuddle for sleep. At least when it's us. But it wasn't. And I wasn't ready to face that. Face how hurt I could be if I stayed and saw what would happen when we wake up together", Niall talked making Harry all more confused and surprised with every word. Not this. He had thought about many possibilities, but not this. Or maybe he had, but never had he thought it more as a hope. A distant dream.

"And after few times of leaving, when you never tried to stop me, I couldn't make myself stay anymore. You not asking me to stay told me enough", he said with low voice, snapping his head back when Harry suddenly pulled himself up from his chest and turned to Niall. "I was never awake!" Harry gasped not knowing if he should be angry or not. At that moment Niall just sounded so stupid that it was hard not to feel anger building up. "How could've I stopped you or asked you to stay when you always snuck out so that I wouldn't get the chance?"

Niall was looking at Harry with wide blue eyes, taking a long moment to process the information. And finally when the realization spread to his face it was quickly followed my shame and embarrassment coloring his cheek and neck in light pink, making Harry forget that he ever felt like getting angry.

"I -", Niall tried to speak,his mouth just opening and closing trying to find the right words."I assumed when you always woke up when I came, no matter how silent I tried to be, but never made any movements once I attempted to leave.. I thought you just faked being still asleep so you wouldn't have to handle the awkward situation", he mumbled now realizing the ridiculousness himself too. And Harry was feeling annoyed again. 

"I hardly ever was really asleep when you came in. And you know I'm a heavy sleeper after I fall asleep for real", Harry scolded eyes full of disbelief. "You just bounced on me and never said a single word when I spoke about it the next day. I had to make it a tease or a joke when you didn't seem to have interest in talking about the topic at all. I would've just lost my face if I'd come up to you and asked for real why you were always leaving me in the morning. Leaving me feeling like a one night stand whom you want to get away from before having to talk or try to be nice. And we never even had sex", Harry spoke, making Niall's cheeks even brighter with red. Harry would've been absolutely swept by the sight if he hadn't been so upset with him. "Yeah I only got the cuddles and was already pushed aside and left behind", Harry added knowing he was pushing it. 

"No", Niall yelped throwing his hands towards Harry, but not knowing where it would be okay for him to grab him. "It was nothing like that!" Niall plead and settled with his hands on Harry's knees. "Casting you aside or anything. I never.. I never meant for you to feel or even think that way", Niall talked with slight pain in his voice, forcing Harry to gaze down first time since he had turned around. 

"It was just me being a mess. Insecure mess", he sighed and rubbed his thumbs on Harry's knees until Harry lifted his eyes. They looked at each other for a moment, both feeling bare, ripped from all the jokes and laughs that covered all that was hidden underneath. Now there was just a small smile on Niall's face trying to assure Harry he really didn't mean for him to feel the way he had. 

Finally after another moment, Harry gave up with all the confusion and frustration and slid laying on the bed, tugging Niall's sweats so he would lay beside him. Harry would've wanted to lay face to face, but it was too much, or too early. Harry hadn't figured out all the things spoken that night and he wasn't going to mess anything up by doing anything more stupid than he had already done. 

So Harry laid on his side and took Niall's hand with him wrapping it around his chest so he didn't have to let go of the hand. Niall molded himself on Harry's back and wiggled his other hand in the crook of Harry's neck so he could properly hug him from behind. 

"I'm gonna be here when you wake up, just so you know", Harry said cheekily when pulling the covers upon them. "And as we are in your room I'll be properly offended if you leave me here by myself", he said pouting and regretting not taking his jeans and shirt of. He felt Niall laugh against his neck then tightening his hand around Harry. "Shut up", Niall smiled amused and muffled his face into Harry's hair as if it wasn't ticklish at all. As Harry turned of the TV with the remote on the night stand he really hoped Niall had answered with just a laugh because Harry's saying was just so ridiculous rather than that he just didn't want to answer to it. 

 

\----

 

The wake up was a mess. Niall and Harry snapped awake to the loud pounding on the door and yelling behind it. 

"Niall!! Better be ready!" someone yelled and suddenly they both were sitting on the bed totally baffled, looking at each other and then the door. Niall was up first and made his way stumbling to the door.  
"Hey do you have any idea where's Harry?? The staff is getting riled up..." yelling continued only stopping when Niall got the door open.

"Yeah, he's here. Tell them not to lose it making a search party or something", Niall spoke making Louis laugh a little bit before yelling to somewhere else that Harry was with Niall.  
"We should've known to check here first.." Louis mumbled and walked in only stopping when he saw Harry in the bed still completely out of this world. 

"We fell asleep watching a movie and neither of us remembered to put an alarm", Niall quickly explained as Harry was still gathering his thought of why he wasn't in his own room. Slowly but surely the memories came back and in the end Harry felt like his chest was about to burst. And also felt relieved that he hadn't indeed taken of his jeans and shirt...

Louis just laughed before leaving the room again and reminding they had to be on the road in fifteen minutes. Harry had gotten back his ability to move and was now stretching his limbs beside the bed. He felt like he hadn't moved at all the whole night. Maybe they hadn't.

"I guess we're in a hurry, Harry", Niall smirked actually making Harry snort. "I guess we are", Harry said before passing Niall and brushing his fingers through his hair on the way, before leaving the room and making his way to his own room. And for the first time in ages he felt like Niall's beaming smile looked like. 

 

\---

The day went fast, they had some interviews and then they were recording again. It was late when they got back to the hotel and Louis and Niall were talking about still going for pints. Harry was a little bit disappointed but hoped Niall would come sleep next to him even after the pints. Although Harry didn't prefer the smell of beer, but... That or not Niall, it wasn't even a fair fight.

Harry was hopping around with his underwear trying to find his phone charger from the suitcase full of clothes, when the door was swept open with a key card. Harry straightened his back and turned to look over his shoulder to see Niall entering the room. 

"Where do you get the key cards anyway?" Harry asked looking at the card Niall slipped into his pocket before going to the bed sitting on the foot. His eyes were observant as he trailed Harry's body and figuring out what he was seeking when he leaned down again. Harry felt flushed when the blonds eyes were not at all shy with looking, quite the contrary. 

"Most times I go ask from the reception. Or a cleaning lady or our security", Niall talked not at all interested about what he was talking, just concentrating on Harry. And Harry wasn't used on having that kind of hundred percent attention from Niall. Niall was normally all over the place, laughing at everything, going around, smiling at everybody, talking to anyone. But now he was just sitting there leaning back on his palms and letting Harry know he was being eyed.

Harry leaned to pick up some sweats, but didn't get far when Niall was asking if Harry was still going somewhere. As Harry said no, he realized what Niall was after. "So if you're just going to bed what's the point?" he asked with a totally normal voice, not giving anything away, but his eyes... They were dark and somehow needy, making Harry's head spin. What actually had happened last night? Where did all the blushing and insecurities go from yhat boy. 

And most of all, was it all just in Harry's head. What if Harry was the only one feeling the tension and the gravity pulling him to Niall. Was he just losing his mind and would be losing his best mate in the process?  
"You tired?" Niall asked then and his eyes had gone back to normal. Blue and chirpy. "Actually yeah", Harry answered finally finding his charger and moving to the other side of the bed. 

"So no movie this evening...", Niall joked and smirked when Harry turned to him and smiled. "You didn't go for pints with Loui?" Harry asked and Niall shook his head lightly. "No, wasn't feeling like it after all", Niall explained with sweetness in his voice that pleased Harry greatly.

"Well, you coming?" Harry asked then when he was already under the covers getting ready to sleep. Niall glanced at him one more time as if making sure Harry wasn't just messing with him, then he kicked the shoes of from his feet and next minute he was under the covers, next to Harry as if all he was waiting for was a invitation.

"Big spoon or little spoon?" Harry asked with crooked smile, making Niall laugh before he turned Harry on his side with a push and curled on to his back. The push was strong enough that Harry could've landed on his stomach and somehow that thought made Harry's heart flip. Niall could've as easily placed him self on top of him, hips on Harry's bum and...

Harry shut his eyes and took a deep breath to keep himself calm. 

"You okay?" Niall's voice asked worried and only then Harry noticed how stiff his body had went when he only tried preventing one part going stiff... "You want me to?" Niall started and took his hand further from Harry's waist. "No", Harry hurried to say and took Niall's hand before it was out of his reach. 

With the hasty movement Harry went and nudged his bum back, meeting Niall's hips with a rush. "Sorry", Harry hurried to apologize before really realizing what he felt against himself when it was already gone as Niall had put some space between them. Just a little, but enough so Harry couldn't be sure if maybe Niall's thoughts had been around same subject as his. Harry's breath hitched a little bit with just the thought of Niall being anxious over Harry.

"Sorry..." Niall said quietly after a short silence. He sounded embarrassed and apologetic making Harry more certain of what he might have felt. 

"No worries. Me too", Harry said quickly and it was the truth. He was almost fully hard with just the thought of Niall maybe having a boner. For him. 

They stayed quiet after that and after Harry had calmed down and let himself be drawn into sweet slumber he felt Niall closing the few inches between them and pressing himself completely on Harry, connecting their skin from toes to head. If Harry hadn't been already almost sleeping he would've been riled up again probably, but luckily the sleep took him first.

 

\----

 

As the morning came Harry felt anxious right away. First of all, he didn't feel a body pressed onto him, or even lightly touching him any where. Second his morning wood was almost painful reminding that it had already been few days since the last time.

Harry was already frowning, feeling anger and disappointment making their way as he lifted to check behind his back to the other side of the bed.  
And his heart swell.

Niall laid there on his stomach, head turned to Harry, legs tangled in the sheets and the other hand laying next to harry as if it had been touching him at some point. For a moment Harry didn't know what to do with the happiness swelling on his chest. He felt like he was going to burst in laugh or in tears. 

But he did neither. For a short - or very long - moment he just enjoyed the view. Niall's blond hair all messed up, sticking to every single direction, his bare back making a beautiful gentle slope before the amazing bum peaking underneath the covers.

Harry's morning wood had been almost painful already but after the Niall show Harry was in agony. But he dismissed it entirely. He just laid back on the bed moving Niall's hand out of the way for him to put himself right next to the gorgeous blond. Harry wanted to kiss him so bad. Kiss him until Harry was all Niall felt. 

Instead Harry stayed on his side, tucked some blanket between his legs to cover his crotch and lift his hand to touch Niall's hair. From his head he let his finger go the neck and follow the spine almost all the way to the bottom. He was clearly making himself some blue balls but that was another times worry...

Harry got to draw figures to Niall's back quite a while until the boy started to wake up. When he did, Harry moved his hand to Niall's hair again convincing himself that it was totally okay even if they were just friends. It was fine to be caressing your best mates hair while having a massive boner. 

"Hi", Harry said quietly and smiled at Niall, who blinked his eyes quit a few times until letting a smile take over his whole face. "Heyy..." he whispered with a raspy voice, leaning in for the touch on his cheek - where Harry hadn't even realized his hand going.

"Gosh, you're beautiful", slipped from Harry's mouth before he could nip it tightly. Even his hand stopped mid touch, until Niall's surprised eyes turned into delighted smile. "You too, Haz", he said and crawled little bit closer, eyes closed again. The sunlight was making Niall's gorgeous features even more beautiful and now that the response was so good, Harry was so happy that he had said it out loud, how amazingly beautiful Niall really was.  
"So how was it?" Harry had to ask. Niall opened his eyes again, waiting for more specific question. "Waking up with me? Or would you want me to crack a joke or something?" Harry teased making Niall burts into laugh filling Harry's chest with love.

When Niall settled down against the pillows he scooted up even more until he could press his face against Harry's chest and neck. Harry couldn't do more than tangle his arms around the blonds body and pull it all against him, not only the face. And yeah what ever, if he now felt his boner through the covers, then to hell with it. He could try his best to run away, Harry wasn't going to let go easily.

But all Niall did was settle himself better in Harry's arms nuzzling the skin on Harry's neck, just above his collarbone. Almost lips touching the skin. Maybe they were. 

Yeah, probably were...

 

\----


	2. Been craving more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Niall…” Harry whispered his voice almost begging, making Niall’s stomach turn.  
> ”Come on, please”, Harry plead and Niall knew the game was lost. There were absolutely no outcome where Niall could be able to say no to that. Harry asking him so nicely and so submissively.  
> No bloody way he was now telling that he wasn’t feeling like cuddling. 
> 
>  
> 
> or: What's Niall's point of view to everything and how they cope when things go further.

CHAPTER 2

 

Niall was looking at Harry across the table. They were having some meeting, but Niall hadn’t paid attention the whole time. He was more focused on eyeing Harry’s features and going through the past few day’s happenings.  
Just few days ago Niall would’ve been sure that Harry would never in a million years return his feelings. Now, suddenly, he couldn’t be sure of anything anymore. 

Niall had had a huge crush on Harry since from the beginning. But he head crush on everybody so it wasn’t that big of a deal, not until years after when he realized all the other crushes had gone and went, but the feelings for Harry stayed. But it was all good, Niall knew he could live with having a crush on his best mate. It was not like he was going to make a move on him and danger their friendship or the band. 

Until Zayn left and everything changed. Suddenly Niall realized nothing was ever certain. Thing he could’ve never thought possible, happened. And the band wasn’t as unbreakable as he had thought. All these anxious thoughts about the band and about Zayn leaving and the fear of being let behind by the others too, kept Niall awake at nights. He didn’t quite know how to enjoy all of it when nothing felt sure anymore. 

So one night when he was having one of his ’panic attacks’ he asked their security to open Harry’s hotel room for him - saying he wanted to talk to Harry. But he absolutely didn’t want to talk so once he got into the room and found Harry sound asleep, he was relieved. Then Niall just sneaked into the bed and after only hearing Harry’s breath and that not soothing him, he curled up to Harry’s back. 

Harry squirmed a little bit, making Niall’s heart pound, but soon enough Harry settled again and went back to sleep. Niall hardly closed his eyes when he already woke up in the middle of the night, all confused of the place and body next to him. Niall panicked, about having a melt down so bad that he had to come here and curl himself next to Harry, so he quickly got up and left the room, not knowing what to think.

But Harry had been sweet and understanding towards Niall, not joking or making fun, or telling the other boys either. Guess Harry knew what Niall was going through and understood him. And even though Harry had said Niall could come any time, he didn’t have the courage after that. He wasn’t ready for Harry to make any question, or even ask simply if Niall was okay. Truth was that he wasn’t okay and because of that he couldn’t put himself in a position where Harry would offer him his kindness and compassion. Niall couldn’t trust himself to keep it together and not spilling everything, telling everything to Harry…

 

\---

 

After the holidays when they got back together and on the road again, making a new album Niall had calmed down a lot. It all felt normal and reassuring, being back on the crazy schedule and seeing the boys every day. Niall wasn’t afraid for the band anymore. The four of them were good together. And even though they had been talking about a bigger break, Niall wasn’t worried about that. At least it gave him all more reason to take everything out of this tour and this time together with the lads. 

And with Harry, to whom he still had a huge crush on. Oh well not a crush anymore if Niall would be honest. It hadn’t been a crush for a very long time, but it was easier to cope with it when he imagined it still was.  
But it got a lot harder once he started to sneak into Harry’s room again after the tour started. This time it wasn’t out of panic or anxiety, he just simply wanted to be close to Harry. And if Harry needed to think he felt lonely or upset to let Niall sleep next to him, it was fine with Niall. But after few times it became almost too normal. Niall curling himself up to Harry’s back and wrapping his hand around Harry’s waist, that Niall thought about stopping the whole thing. 

Few first times were just nice, nice falling asleep so easily and so relaxed, even though he would always wake up early in the morning and not being able to relax again until moving to his own room. Not being ready to face Harry in the morning. Not ready to shatter his own nice little illusion where he just goes next to Harry and that’s that. A moment when he get’s to think it’s more.  
After few times it became more difficult than just being a nice thing for him. It became some kind of addiction to Niall and he wasn’t enjoying it so much anymore. He hated the anxious feeling he got every time he woke up while sun was starting to rise, knowing it would all change if he would stay till morning. They would wake up and Harry would joke about what a baby Niall was, needing someone to cuddle every night. Harry would make it a joke. He could make everything into a joke and that was part of his charm. 

So Niall kept on sneaking to Harry’s room and sneaking out. Every time hoping Harry would stop him. Asking him to stay and giving some hope that it wasn’t all just meaningless to Harry if Niall was there or not. That Harry liked having him there. Niall tried to move around before getting up and making some noise, but all he ever got out of Harry was a grunt or him flipping to his other side. 

It was enough that Harry teased him during the day, so Niall didn’t want to make himself go through it during the morning when he felt vulnerable. Waking up next to Harry, looking at his face and wanting nothing more than to kiss him. During the day Niall could make himself take it, just smile or grin or laugh it off. But in the morning he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stand Harry grinning an joking when all he wanted to do was cuddle back to his arms and dip his fingers into Harry’s hair, tug them a little bit and lick his neck. Wanted Harry to look at him like he looked at Harry. 

 

\---

 

It all changed when one night Niall went to Harry’s room to find the room empty and hearing the shower being on in the bathroom. Niall pondered if he should go and leave Harry be, but selfishly he just took his skinny jeans off and dove into the bed. 

It didn’t take long for Harry to be done with the shower and come into the room. Niall knew to wait for some cheeky comment from Harry, as he wondered how Niall had problems sleeping even after such a long day and even though Niall’s excuse was ridiculous, Harry didn’t make him go away, instead just stood there next to the bed and then dropped the towels to the floor. 

Niall’s heart skipped a beat and he hated it how much reaction Harry’s action caused in him. He hated Harry for messing with him, but loved him for being so cheeky, loved the light grin on his face before he leaned to get his boxers from the ground. At that point Niall had to swing himself around, because firstly his face was all red and flushed, second he wouldn’t have been able to look Harry in the eyes after something like that and third he was getting some serious action going on under his own boxers. 

Then Harry made his way under the covers and all the way next to Niall, squirming around until he was like a second skin on Niall’s back. ”This bed feel better?” Harry teased as if knowing Niall was fully hard and forcing himself to stay still and not circle his bum to Harry’s hips. Harry was horrible. As much as Niall loved him, lately he had found himself hoping he wouldn’t love him just as much. It would’ve been easier. Easy to just laugh to these teases and jokes, Niall could be making jokes too, but no. He was falling in love with Harry and all that was out of the window. He just had to settle with blushing to every other things Harry said and playing along, like it was all fun, laughing it off. Just laughing it off.

Niall hadn’t even realized he was asleep when he filched awake to something Harry mumbled into his neck. Niall tried to listen and hoped Harry would say it again. And Harry did say something again, but it was impossible to know if he was sleep talking or really meaning to say something. In the end Niall let himself fall back to sleep and swept from his mind the possibility of Harry maybe saying: ’stay’.

 

\---

 

The next day Harry never came to tease Niall or never said anything about the last night all together. He seemed mad, like avoiding Niall, and after few hours of panicking Niall came to the conclusion that Harry had realized it wasn’t a joke to him, that he had really been hard and all that Harry did really affected him. And Niall couldn’t blame him. What do you do when you realize that your best mate is head over heels for you and doesn’t take a simple joke without getting a hard on. 

So Niall did nothing. It would’ve made it just so much worse to go and talk about the fact that Niall was attracted to Harry and sleeping next to him was really affecting him. It wasn’t just cuddles between friends like it was for Harry. So Niall started to sleep in his own bed again, many nights cursing himself for being so obvious. Why didn’t he just laugh? Make a joke out of it like Harry waited for him to do.

But it got better. It was only a week or so until they were messing around at the stage and joking at the tour bus, it was almost as before. But just almost. Harry became aware of touching Niall and didn’t do that anymore. Even though Harry was otherwise just the same to him as before, but the touching was cut off. And as sad it made Niall, he knew this would be the best in the long run. No more uncomfortable situations for him either where he feels he should laugh it off and act like it’s all good, all just messing around between best mates.

Yeah, it was for the best.

 

\----

 

One night though… Niall was absolutely too tired to hold himself back. It had been weeks since the last time Niall had slept next to Harry and cuddled him and he just needed to feel Harry under his touch. Not only at the stage when they were messing around, or the quick unplanned touches between here and there. So when they left from the stage Niall having his hands on Harry’s shoulders, he didn’t right away take them down. 

Instead Niall let himself lean on Harry’s shoulder, face near Harry’s neck. He smelt amazing, just like Harry should smell. And Harry didn’t do anything to push him away, he just stood there listening to the others and smiling every now and then, letting Niall calm down on his shoulder. 

It was too soon when people started to scatter around again forcing Niall to step away from his comfy place next to Harry. Harry glanced at him when he backed away and for a moment Niall thought as if he saw disappointment in Harry’s eyes. And then the next moment came and he couldn’t see it anymore. 

In the car Harry looked upset and troubled, and Niall couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of his actions or if he was worrying about what the others were talking after the show - about missing all of it when it ends. About how the break was getting to them faster and faster. Or they were getting to the break. Niall sure hoped Harry was upset about the break rather than him being clued to his shoulder. 

It wasn’t something Niall planned but when they got out of the car he was already placing himself near Harry. There had always been something in Harry’s troubled face that made Niall unsteady, like he was never in the right place to be comforting him, being there for him. He always seemed to be few steps too far, too disconnected. It still didn’t stop him from trying to be there for Harry. Even on those times when he didn’t know what to do or what was wrong. He just wanted to be there, if Harry happened to need him. 

 

\---

 

Niall spooked when he heard the knocking from the door. Everybody had already went on their ways and he hadn’t ordered any room service either. So Niall just walked to the door, not even having the decency to but on a shirt in case it was someone he didn’t know. But it was Harry. Looking all upset and frigid. 

”Can I come in?” he asked before Niall realized to step aside. For a long moment Harry just walked up and down the room, making Niall worried for real. Something had definitely happened and behind all the worry and anxiety he felt little bit warm for that Harry had come to him instead of going to Liam or Louis. Maybe they weren’t as far apart as he had thought. Maybe it was possible to go back as they were.

”I’m sorry okay?” Harry said finally, not making sense at all. "I'm sorry I asked you to stay. I just hated always waking up alone so I wanted you to stay", Harry rambled, making Niall’s head spin. He couldn’t make any sense of anything Harry was saying to him and was worried more, not knowing if Harry had lost his mind or what. 

"Now I just want all to be normal. Us to be us again. For real, no just half of it, not just for show. I can't stand the thought of us going for the break if we aren't us", Harry talked, looking awful. And finally it made sense to Niall. And Niall felt like crying - just out of relief.

"Oh Harry", Niall gasped wanting to run up to Harry and smother him with his hugs. "It is us. It's always us, we're good", Niall spoke, heart full of love and relief, before closing Harry in his arms. Finally getting to him, finally touching him. Finally having Harry where he so well seemed to fit. ”We're good and we'll continue being good", Niall whispered and wanted to kiss all the discomfort away from Harry’s face. 

 

\----

 

The whole shower Niall was absolutely horrified for the thought that Harry would probably leave by the time he would be back. Niall should’ve stayed there, just holding Harry in his arms, but he needed a break to go through his own thoughts. He had been so close to saying it all, confessing his love and all. Everything. And it was terrifying. The hold that Harry had over him.

Niall had needed a break to breath but once he had closed the bathroom door he still seemed not the be able to breath easily, now because Harry was out of sight. He didn’t know what he would do if Harry would leave while Niall was in the shower…

After the quickest shower he had ever had, Niall rushed back to the room. As much he had hoped to find Harry there, he was surprised. Harry had actually stayed and now sat on the bed eyeing the TV halfheartedly.  
Niall put on some clothes before placing himself on the head of the bed, leaning on the wall. He could watch Harry back only for a second before giving in to the urge to get him close. Once Harry obliged to him and placed his back on to Niall’s chest, Niall felt like confessing everything all over again. The shower hadn’t done much. If Niall had understood wrong what Harry had said about the last time they slept next to each other, then he was making a proper fool out of himself, but he couldn’t really hold himself quiet anymore.

And then pretty much all of it came out. 

All Harry wanted to know was the reason why Niall had never stayed till morning and it was hard not to blurt out amongst all the talk what he felt for Harry. It seemed like the words had finally made their decision to make it out. 

And then it all got even more messed up when Harry got upset again for Niall thinking he had only pretended to not wake up as Niall was leaving him alone in the bed. Niall felt stupid under Harry’s unbelieving eyes, but before that moment every other thought about the matter had felt stupid. Only though that made any sense was that Harry didn’t care if Niall stayed or didn’t. Guess it wasn’t like that after all. 

And after the horrid wake up the next morning and after all the days work when Harry seemed just slightly displeased when Niall talked about going out still with Louis, it didn’t take long for him to make an excuse to Louis and make his way to Harry’s room again.

The sight welcoming him into the room was better than he had hoped for. He knew how gorgeous Harry was, he was very aware of that, but after the last night's talks, something else had sparked in Niall’s mind. Or heart. Some kind of hope that maybe, just maybe it wasn’t all as one sided as he had thought. Maybe, oh god how Niall hoped that, maybe Harry was also influenced by all the cuddles, all the touches, all of it..

So with some newfound boldness Niall just sat there on the end of the bed and enjoyed the view. And even got Harry to stay without any more clothes covering his body. Niall couldn’t deny that he didn’t get anxious by only looking at Harry and maybe seeing some blush on Harry’s cheeks. But it was only when Harry already got into bed, when Niall got little self-conscious. He could feel his whole body sighing with relief when Harry asked if he was getting in or not. As if it was a stupid thing to be even wondering about. 

Niall had a little trouble getting into the bed without showing how he was already half hard by just watching Harry, but when he got there Harry didn’t seem to have noticed anything. It was only when Niall turned Harry on his side, when he seemed to freeze down. And Niall was confused. He didn’t know what he did, but Harry swept that thought away quickly when he pulled him closer by the hand and crashed their hips together. When Niall apologized he didn’t quite know what Harry meant by saying: ”No worries, me too”. Probably just saying sorry too for pumping his hips back, or if he was referring being aroused too. Niall didn’t know and didn’t have the courage to even hope that it would be the latter one. 

 

\---

 

When Niall woke up next to Harry, feeling Harry’s hand on his hair, he though he would melt right there. It was all too sweet and lovely to really be true, but it still was. Harry really was just laying there, looking at him like as if he had been looking at him for a while already. Then complimenting Niall, making him feel all fuzzy inside, and then being just Harry, by making a joke. But it was the right kind of joke. No like what Niall had been afraid of. Nothing in that morning was like he had thought. 

It all gave Niall the confidence to push himself closer to Harry and finally place his forehead against Harry’s chest. And when Harry took him into his arms and pressed Niall against his body, Niall thought that maybe it was all just a dream and he could just go on. 

Niall didn’t really realize that he was dragging his lips along Harry’s neck and collarbone, until it was impossible to stop himself from doing it anymore. For half a second Niall was terrified of what Harry might do, but he soon noticed that Harry had nothing against what Niall was doing. Instead He pushed his head back, giving Niall more space to nuzzle around. What Niall really wanted was to really kiss Harry’s neck, like really kiss it, leaving a mark. But he settled to what he was already doing, deciding not to push it. 

Who knows when his luck was about to turn.

 

\---

 

So there they were, having a meeting and Niall just couldn’t keep himself from staring at Harry. He kind of knew Harry had noticed it, but enjoyed the situation much more when Harry tried to really consecrate to the meeting, frowning his brows and all. Few times Harry’s focus faltered and he forgot to listen and let his eyes wander to Niall. Every time he turned his head quickly away when he found Niall already staring. 

Niall had never dared to be hopeful, not before this. His hopes were quickly cut off by everything that happened with Louis and Harry, how their friendship never really recovered all the drama and the gossip and all. How Harry made it quite clear he was not interested in guys. Later on Harry became more relaxed about the matter, not caring what people thought about his sexual orientation and Niall had thought it was just that - indifference. But now he found himself wonder all that again. What if Harry was never saying no to being interested in guys, after all.

Or then Niall was wrong about everything. Was just over analyzing things and getting his hopes up for nothing. Maybe Harry just liked having someone sleeping next to him, it wouldn’t be too far fetched taking how touchy Harry was all together. Maybe he really just wondered why Niall didn’t stay for the night, not understanding what was the point of changing beds in the middle of the night. Maybe Harry had just apologized for pumping his bum on Niall’s hips. Maybe Harry had just been Harry when he cuddled Niall in the morning and complimenting him. Harry did all that otherwise too, so why wouldn’t it be the case now too?

Those thoughts finally made Niall stop staring at Harry and got him listening to what everyone were talking. Yeah, Niall shouldn’t get his hopes up or he would just find himself hurt soon enough. And maybe with a broken friendship. 

It made Niall’s heart ache like nothing else, thinking about not having Harry as his best friend. Harry was Harry, and Niall needed Harry. More than he wanted to kiss Harry or touch him in a way that friends don’t. Niall needed Harry to be there, by his side. And there was nothing worth risking it over.

 

\----

 

Week went by and then another one and Niall kept on going to Harry’s room when they were staying at hotels. Falling asleep and waking up with Harry and it was always good. They were good. But it was so good that Niall found himself worrying about his heart again. At this rate he couldn’t stop from getting himself hurt - he was already too attached on going to Harry’s room like it was his and sleeping with him like they were… well like they were something. He was so used to having Harry’s body pressed onto his, that when the time would come, when Niall couldn’t go to Harry’s room and do it, his heart would break a little. Either when the tour ended or then the more probable reason that Harry would have other company one of these days and there would be no room for Niall in his bed.

Niall got shivers only by thinking of it. 

But Niall was getting more and more aware of the situation when he one night hoped he would’ve stayed at his room so he could’ve well, taken care of himself. It had been a while since Niall had spend time by himself and much longer time since he had had sex the last time. But Harry had dragged him straight to his room wanting to show him some lyrics he had been working on during the day. They hadn’t seen each other that much that day and Niall couldn’t say no to Harry even when they had been glued to each other’s hip for a week, so saying no was absolutely impossible in this situation. 

First Niall thought he could make it easily, but once Harry came out of the bathroom only wearing tight boxers, hair all messy and sexy and walked to the bed like he knew exactly how damn good he looked, he had to think again. On a normal day Niall could’ve probably just stared at the TV until he felt fine again, but that night that was all it took for Niall to be half hard already. 

And it didn’t get any better when Harry stretched for a little bit, cracking his shoulders and really showing his body off so that it was impossible for Niall to look away. Then Harry went and jumped on the bed and almost on top of Niall, who was half leaning his upper body on the wall. There was no time for Niall to fix his position so his crotch would be far enough from Harry. 

But luckily Harry didn’t seem to notice, just made himself comfortable in the pit of Niall’s arm, resting his other hand on Niall’s stomach, eyes finding their way to the TV. There was some crappy soap opera going on and of course it was getting all steamy and in no time there was a romantic sex scene going on filling the room with unrealistic moans and gentle music. But Harry didn’t seem to mind and just kept on watching it as Niall tried his best to get his member to calm down. 

He convinced himself that it was fine that he hadn’t been getting off since how long - because he had spent all his knight in Harry’s bed…. It was fine that he was seriously thinking of hopping of the bed and going to take a shower to get the edge off. It was fine that Harry was laying in his arms and drawing circles on to his side and unnoticeable going lower all the time. It was fine. Yep…

After a few minutes of agony, Niall yawned and said he was tired, pushing Harry gently further away from the danger area. Harry frowned so Niall assured him it was fine for him to continue watching TV, he didn’t mind. But Harry didn’t seem believe it, as he just shut the TV and laid on his back too. Niall had turned his back on Harry, but Harry didn’t make his way to curl himself against Niall’s back, making Niall wonder if Harry had gotten mad ’cause Niall wasn’t as interested in the soap opera as he had apparently been. Niall wanted to ask and make sure everything was fine, but Harry opened his mouth first. 

”Come on big spoon, I’m waiting here”, Harry said quietly making Niall peek to the other side. Harry was laying on his side, clearly waiting on Niall, putting Niall in a awfully awkward situation. Because there were two possible outcomes to this and neither was a good one. Either Niall would say he didn’t feel like cuddling - which sounded weird even in his thoughts - or then he would cuddle Harry and he would feel his half boner that was probably going to stay there till the morning. Oh gosh, the morning… It would be a nightmare. 

”Niall…” Harry whispered his voice almost begging, making Niall’s stomach turn. ”Come on, please”, Harry plead and Niall knew the game was lost. There were absolutely no outcome where Niall could be able to say no to that. Harry asking him so nicely and so submissively. No bloody way he was now telling that he wasn’t feeling like cuddling. 

So Niall dragged himself slowly to Harry as if his cock could go soft in matter of seconds. Especially when he was moving towards Harry and Harry’s perfect body. In the end Niall reached Harry’s back and made sure to press his chest tightly against Harry, but leaving space behind Harry’s bum. Maybe Harry wouldn’t even notice how Niall was trying to keep his distance. His arm Niall put automatically on Harry’s stomach, but realized too late that Harry had this habit of pressing his body against Niall’s as soon as Niall wrapped his arm around him. Even when Niall had already made sure they were touching from head to toe, Harry would still try to squirm a little bit closer.

Now pressing his bum directly against Niall’s crotch and his dick. Niall could barely swallow the moan caused by the sudden friction against his neglected cock. Niall had to force himself not to answer to the movement with a thrust forward, but couldn’t stop himself from burying his face into Harry’s hair. 

”Please, don’t make a big deal out of this, okay?” Niall said before Harry had time to say anything, if he even would’ve had anything to say. Harry stayed still and silent for a moment, not making any movement of furthering his bum from Niall’s crotch. 

”Okay”, Harry said finally with a voice that didn’t give Niall anything. He couldn’t make out any emotions or anything what Harry might have been thinking. And he didn’t say more, just placed his head better on the pillow and settled down. He really didn’t make a big deal out of it, or even a deal at all. Harry just laid there as if there wasn’t a actually a hard dick pressing on his bum. 

Niall would’ve wanted to move away, but somehow he didn’t get around to it when Harry didn’t seem to desperately want him gone. So he laid still until his body started to relax and he started to fall into sweet slumber. Making a conscious decision not to think about the morning and how he might have time to get to his room and get some relief before the days work. Yeah, maybe it was going to turn out alright. Maybe Harry would treat him with discreet and compassion the next morning too with his morning wood.

 

\----

 

Well he absolutely didn’t, but in the end Niall didn’t really mind it. 

Niall had barely woken up and opened his eyes, when he realize how Harry was laying on his side too, so they faced each other. He looked pondering and he was slowly moving his feet against Niall’s feet.  
”So, do you want some help with that?” Harry had asked bluntly and nodded so Niall looked down seeing how the blanket wasn’t covering him where it most definitely should’ve in that moment. Niall’s hard on was totally visible and there was no point in trying to cover it anymore, but still Niall pulled the blanket up making a pathetic effort on hiding himself from Harry.

”W- what?” Niall stuttered and looked quickly Harry in the eyes. Harry wasn’t making a joke, he was just looking at Niall, calm and serious. 

”C’mon, you know it’s better if someone else does it”, Harry said knowing Niall had heard him and not repeating the first sentence, even though Niall would’ve really wanted to hear him say it again. Just to make sure he hadn’t still been dreaming. ”I know you have been spending most of the nights with me so no wonder if you’re getting anxious”, Harry talked, but Niall couldn’t make out of his tone if he was referring to how Niall wouldn’t have had time to get off, or if he was joking and teasing him of knowing how sexy he is and how it would be hard to not get sexually frustrated near him.

Both of them were true though, so it didn’t really make that much difference in which way Harry meant it. 

”It’s okay?” Harry asked while his hand was already closing the space between him and Niall’s dick. Niall was speechless, and his brains were not producing anything reasonable, but Niall knew he couldn’t leave Harry and his hand hovering in mid way either. 

”Uhh… Yeah, sure, I guess”, he stammered head spinning by the whole thing, mind trying to slap him awake, thinking it was still in a dream. And then his mind went blank when Harry’s hand found it’s way to his boxers feeling his dick through the thin fabric. 

Harry didn’t save time after that and just slipped his hand into Niall’s boxers and closed Niall in his hand. Niall gasped and clasped his hands on Harry’s chest, not knowing how did he ever wound up in a situation like this. Harry next to him, looking him in the eyes as stroking his hand up and down along Niall’s dick. 

It was embarrassing how after only few strokes Niall was already feeling like he would come soon. And it seemed un fair in so many levels, so instead of giving in for his urge to come, he let his other hand wander from Harry’s chest to his stomach and to the edge of his boxer’s.

”You don’t have to”, Harry said suddenly stopping his hand in order to stop Niall’s hand of going where it was surely making it’s way. 

”But can I?” Niall asked too far gone to be ashamed of it. Of how much he wanted to touch Harry. Feel him against his palm, make Harry feel as good as he was making Niall feel. 

Harry groaned lightly and nipped his head back for a second as he closed his eyes. ”Gosh.. Yeah, okay, yeah sure”, Harry talked almost sounding like he was out of breath, but that was probably just Niall being out of breath for the both of them. 

Niall was slightly surprised when he found Harry rock hard under his pants, but after a second of thinking he figured Harry must’ve been as needy as he was, not having time either to get the edge off. Niall thought he would’ve bought himself some more time by returning the favour, but it worked against him, making Niall all more riled up by getting to touch Harry. 

Niall couldn’t help himself but bury his head under Harry’s chin, face against Harry’s neck. If he had looked Harry’s face any second longer he would’ve came right away. And the position gave Niall better access to jerk Harry off. 

”Harry… Oh, fuck.. I’m -”, Niall hitched before coming on to Harry’s hand and amongst all that somehow he had gotten Harry to come too. They clang to each other as in fear for their lives.

They both stroked each other lazily, getting though the aftershock. Afterwards when both of them were all boneless and starting to catch their breath again, they just stayed like that Niall face against Harry’s collarbone and Harry’s hand around Niall - where Niall hadn’t realized it had gone. 

”Better like that, innit’?” Harry whispered after a while with a slight smile on his lips making Niall blurt out a small laugh. ”Yeah”, Niall answered although it was more than better. That was probably the best wank Niall had ever had. But of course he couldn’t tell that to Harry. 

 

\---

 

Niall wasn’t as nervous as he thought he would’ve been about the matter. When they later on hung out in the tour bus waiting to get to the next location to have a show, Niall didn’t feel like he should avoid Harry’s gaze or try to act like nothing happened. Something had happened and it had been great. 

So Niall let himself to just smirk silently by himself and when Harry caught him smiling like that and tilted his head to ask why, Niall just blushed a little bit and grinned wider, eyes showing the slight shyness of looking at Harry after their morning session. First Harry seemed surprised, but started to smile too when Niall didn’t turn his head away. It was like they were little boys who had done something what they shouldn’t have been doing, but never got caught so it was fine. They could just smirk to each other as a agreement of successful mischief done. 

Somewhere in the back of Niall’s mind he knew he would get hurt even worse now that things progressed to this level, but he couldn’t get himself to care. It had been Harry’s idea, he was okay with touching Niall and was eventually okay with Niall touching him. So Niall had already gotten so much more than he had ever dared to hope. He could worry about the getting hurt part, when the time would came. He would have more than enough time to regret everything and ask himself why on earth did he let things go this far. 

But now he just wanted to enjoy it. While it lasts. 

 

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2!  
> I hope you enjoyed this, I know that the story didn't get much further but I really wanted to get Niall's point of view on this too, so you guys understand what's going on in both of their heads. In the possible next chapters there wouldn't be so many descriptions about the same situations.
> 
>  
> 
> Please tell me if I should continue on chapter 3!!


	3. Play hide and seek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So there Niall was, laughing with a girl, hoping it would piss Harry off.  
> For a moment Niall thought it had, when Harry came to look for him and didn’t seem all too pleased finding him with a girl and then looking at them for a a while, like hoping his stare would make Niall come back to the table. But why should Niall do everything Harry wanted, when he was making it so clear that he didn’t think Niall as more than a friend.

Chapter 3

 

”Oh my gosh… Ni -”, Harry faltered throwing his head back against Niall, who laid behind him, spooning against Harry, his hand steadily wanking Harry off from behind. Harry wasn’t complaining at all with the way he was woken up, but he still hoped he could’ve properly returned the favour instead of just basically holding Niall’s hard on in his hand. He was just too far gone, chasing his own orgasm that he could’ve changed their position so Harry could’ve really gotten Niall off too. 

But Niall didn’t seem to mind. He just nuzzled Harry’s neck and lightly moved his hips back and forth to get some friction, but otherwise he seemed to be only consecrating on stroking Harry and making Harry see stars. It didn’t take long for Harry to come with Niall’s name on his lips, making Niall feel light headed by it. 

Niall held him through the aftershock until Harry made an effort to turn on his back to see Niall. ”Just give a second and I’ll…” Harry breathed even though his eyes were hardly staying open. Niall laughed with a tender look in his eyes and pulled away from Harry.

”Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it in the shower”, he said when Harry tried to follow his body up from the bed. ”But…” Harry said looking all confused - and disappointed. Wasn’t it Niall who had started to wank him and now he was saying he could take care of himself?

”Just returning the favour, mate”, Niall smiled and disappeared to the bathroom, leaving Harry satisfied but not pleased. Yeah it was true Harry had taken care of Niall the previous night and Niall had looked too tired so Harry had taken care of himself, but Harry didn’t need Niall to ’return the favour’. Harry wanted to do it for Niall. It wasn’t some trade for Harry. Already on the first time, Harry had said to Niall that he doesn’t have to do anything to him. But then Niall had asked ”but can I?”, making Harry almost come right that second. So yeah, Harry wasn’t going to deny it from Niall, of course he wanted Niall to touch him too, but it still didn’t mean like Niall had to. Harry would never want Niall to feel obligated to do it for him. That was way worse than not doing anything at all. 

This thing between Harry and Niall, where they casually wanked each other off every now and then, had been going on for a month or so and still Harry didn’t have much more knowledge of Niall’s true thought and feeling on the matter than in the start. They had talked through that both of them liked to sleep next to each other and that’s that, and that they would help each other out to keep the edge off, because ’it simply felt better than doing it by yourself’. But otherwise they were still just best mates and everything was good, they were good. But Harry didn’t feel satisfied with it. They still felt disconnected in a way that Harry didn’t quite understand or know what to do with it. 

 

\---

 

The shows had been going great, but Harry was frustrated to be flying almost constantly. He loved seeing the world and travelling with the lads, but the travelling itself, flying, driving etc, was really bugging him off. The constant flying didn’t really suit him and once they landed he was on a bad mood for not getting any sleep on the way. The mood didn’t really get better when there were a huge crowd of fans blocking them off, and even though Harry normally liked greeting the fans and taking pictures with them, now Harry just felt like getting to the hotel soon as possible and having Niall wrap his hand around so he wouldn’t feel annoyed anymore.

Niall on the other hand was chirpy as ever and laughed away with the fans and had no rush to go anywhere. Harry of course took pictures and signed pictures and cd:s, but wasn’t enjoying it as much as normally. 

”Hey no touching!” some of the security guards yelled making Harry look that way finding Niall hunched a little bit with a awkward smile on his face, hand on his head. Normally Harry would’ve probably snorted at the sight, it wasn’t obviously the first time fans tried to touch one of them hairs, but this time it made Harry even more annoyed. For Harry, it happened the most, everyone wanting to touch his curls and he didn’t mind that much. But he knew that Niall sometimes got a little bit claustrophobic around big groups and Harry hated the thought of someone touching Niall in a impropriate way. 

When they finally got to the cars Harry waited for the others to go to the first car and waiting on Niall who was still taking pictures and laughing with fans. The second car came and the security made Niall move along. The got into the backseat and the fans immediately started pounding the windows, pressing their faces against them. If Niall now would say something about going for beers, Harry would be properly pissed off. 

Without further thinking, Harry took Niall’s hand that was resting on the seat between them. Niall turned to look at Harry but Harry didn’t return the look, just stared out of the window with a irked look on his face. Niall must’ve noticed Harry’s irritation ’cause he didn’t say or ask anything, just held Harry’s hand with a assuring tightness. Like saying it was all okay. 

When they got to the hotel Niall didn’t even bother to go to his room, he just asked another key card for Harry’s room and that his bags would be brought to Harry’s. This action made Harry’s irritation settle down a lot.  
”I really don’t like it when the fans pull your clothes or your hair. Makes me wonder if they don’t really realize were are normal human beings too”, Harry spoke as they had settled into the room. Niall glanced at Harry quickly before letting a small smile spread to his face. 

”Was that the reason you were so pissed of in the car?” he teased making Harry frown and continue looking through his suitcase. 

”Nah, I didn’t sleep in the plane at all and I’m feeling like getting sick again”, Harry talked making his way to the bed. ”But yeah… that didn't particularly help”, he said then more quietly, making Niall grin widely like he’d be really pleased with Harry’s answer. 

”You’re the one who has to endure the hair pulling much more, though”, Niall said and moved to the bed too, Harry frowning for him keeping a shirt on - again. Only once or twice Niall had slept without his shirt and it was annoying. Where did he need the shirt? It wasn’t cold, especially when they were cuddling all night long.

”Nah, I don’t matter”, Harry said and muffled closer to Niall, secretly hoping Niall wouldn’t turn away, so they could cuddle face to face. ”Don’t say that”, Niall said with a serious look in his eyes, even though he must’ve known Harry didn’t mean it like that, just saying that Niall mattered more, he didn’t really care if his hair was pulled or not. 

”You’re the one who matters the most”, Niall said almost whispering and didn’t turn away, just laid there on his side facing Harry, letting Harry fumble his way closer. They’re legs overlapping and they’re hands finding to each other’s waist. 

Harry's heart was pounding hard in his chest and he had to really fight against the urge to tell Niall how much he loved him. The moment was so tender and sensitive that if it would’ve been a movie they would’ve huddled closer until their lips would’ve reached each other. Harry felt his head spinning when he just looked at Niall, trying to see if there was more. If there was something that would give him the courage to lean forward and see if Niall felt the urge too. 

And Niall did lean closer, but just when Harry was about to respond to the movement, Niall tucked his head under Harry’s chin like he always did when they cuddled face to face. Harry wanted to say it, whisper it to Niall’s ear, tell him how he felt, but instead he jut hugged Niall tighter knowing it was the safe path to go. No unnecessary risks. Jut two best mates helping each other out.

Yeah, right.

 

\---

 

The next day before the night’s show the boys were just spending time back stage waiting for the show to start. Niall and Harry were messing around at the ping pong table playing against some of their crew members. Niall was using his American commentator voice to describe the game and when they won with flying colour - or when they were let to win - Niall let out a victory cry, making Harry laugh from the bottom of his heart. 

Niall was just grinning and making faces at Harry when the words slid out of his mouth: ”Gosh I love you”. 

Niall’s smile faltered and he was looking at Harry like Harry had said something wrong. Maybe it was wrong. The way he felt, maybe it was all wrong. So Harry continued grinning stupidly and smacked Niall on the shoulder. ”Don’t leave a bro hanging!” he laughed as if he’s chest wasn’t stinging like needles would be poked to it. 

Niall’s expression changed and he leaned to hug Harry. ”Love you too, mate”, Niall said quietly and patted Harry’s back like a proper friend. There were nothing intimate about it like on the cuddles they had last night. Niall didn’t clung on Harry like he used to when they were alone in the room and Harry didn’t press Niall against his chest as tightly. 

Harry was so ashamed and disappointed. Not knowing in which more, to the fact that he was the biggest coward covering his true words with such a comment and such a smug appearance, or the fact that Niall seemed to relax only after Harry had specified that he meant the words only as a friend. The rest of the evening Harry spend feeling like the need to say sorry to Niall. Maybe for acting like he didn’t mean the words in a deeper way or because that was how he really felt. 

But how do you apologize to your best friend for being in love with them?

 

\---

 

The show was as energetic as ever and after it people were still quite spirited so Louis suggested that they would head out for the night. Everybody were okay with it an Harry thought maybe he could have the courage to apologize to Niall after few beers. 

The security took care of everything and in no time they were sitting on their own corner with beers in their hands and relaxed smiles on their faces. It was a small pub and hopefully no one had managed to follow them, so they would have little while before people would start noticing and spreading the word. 

They were having fun, laughing and talking, just having a good time. That was until Harry noticed that Niall didn’t come back from going to get another beer. First thought was that he had gotten surrounded by some fans slowing him down, but once Harry spotted Niall at the bar, he realized it wasn’t fans, it was a fan. A woman. Doing her best on looking sweet and adorable. Harry couldn’t stop himself from frowning and drinking what was left in his glass. 

Before Harry could really talk some sense to himself he was already making his way to the bar, and to Niall and the cute brunette next to him. Niall was laughing and ginning, being his usual sun shiny self. 

”Here you are”, Harry said with low voice catching their attention. Harry quickly ordered himself another beer before turning to the pair. The girl looked amazed but quickly returned her gaze to Niall - of course. ”I was already wondering where you left”, Harry said to Niall who looked kind of annoyed and Harry was confused about what he had done. 

”Yeah, here I am”, Niall said bluntly and raised his glass to Harry, who just got his own, in a sign for him to get lost. Oh, okay…

Now Harry was annoyed too. So this is what Niall wanted? To stay there with the brunette. Well off he goes then, just muttering ”Cheers, mate”, before returning to the corner. For a while Harry was just keeping eye on Niall and the girl, Niall clearly noticing he was being watched. Harry was jealousy, really was. And even though he had been jealousy before, when seeing Niall with other people, but this time it was different. After all it was Harry who had been wanking Niall off the past month or more. 

Of course Harry knew this could happen, that this would happen, but it didn’t make it any easier. Harry was properly pissed off and just wanted to go there and drag Niall away. But who was he to do that when he didn’t even have the guts to take the responsibility of his own words. He was the one who just referred them as bros just few hours before. So yeah… Who was he to say or do anything. In the end he was quite spineless when it came to Niall. So he didn’t have the right to even be this jealous and possessive over Niall. Not when he wasn’t ready to be straight about his own feelings. 

The same time Niall was being overly annoyed even though he was laughing like the girl was the funniest person on earth. She was quite funny, but Niall didn’t have any real interest in her. Of course she didn’t deserve being in the middle of it all, but it all seemed too unfair. Harry doing all these things with him and cuddling him like Niall was his lover and then the next moment calling him a bro, making it all too clear that he didn’t love Niall in any other way. It had really hurt, like really. 

So there Niall was, laughing with a girl, hoping it would piss Harry off. For a moment Niall thought it had, when Harry came to look for him and didn’t seem all too pleased finding him with a girl and then looking at them for a a while, like hoping his stare would make Niall come back to the table. But why should Niall do everything Harry wanted, when he was making it so clear that he didn’t think Niall more than as a friend. 

Of course Niall wasn’t going to do anything with the girl, but at least he could spend time with someone new, someone fresh, someone indifferent. 

 

\-----

 

Harry was mad. Not pissed off anymore, but mad. So after he saw Niall leaving with the brunette without looking at him even once, Harry went up to a girl who had been eating him with her eyes the whole night. She was euphoric once her patience paid off and Harry took her with him. He knew he was being a baby and a proper douche bag, but he was tipsy and Niall had taken someone with him, so why shouldn’t he?

But once they got to Harry’s room and were making out on the bed, Harry felt awful. He was acting so immature and using this poor girl as a vessel. She of course assured Harry that she didn’t care and Harry believed her, but it still didn’t make it right. Harry was the one who was always preaching about objectifying women and here he was, being the worst kind of man. 

So before Harry did anything he would really, really regret, in so many ways, he said sorry for about ten times and started to guide the girl out. But once he opened the door and was about the tell goodnight to the girl, Niall appeared in front of them. He had a key card on his hand and a thunderstruck look on his face. Harry’s heart sank to the floor.

The girl luckily got a little bit nervous from the situation and flew away with a quiet goodbye, leaving Harry and Niall looking at each other, neither wanting to be the first to talk, knowing it would start the storm.  
So instead Niall turned on his heels and started to walk away.

”Niall, wait!” Harry gasped and followed him to the hall grabbing Niall’s arm. It made Niall swing back around to him and look at Harry with such rage in his eyes, that it blew all the air from Harry’s lungs.

”No, Harry! Don’t you say another word”, Niall said crossly and pointed at Harry, shacking Harry’s hand off from his other arm. But that was when Harry got mad also. ”You’re the one to talk!” Harry spit out, knowing that was something he shouldn’t have said. Ever. 

For a moment Niall looked like he was really about to hit Harry. 

”I fucking saw her home!” Niall growled between his teeth. ”Like a proper gentleman. But I see you were much more generous than I was”, Niall hissed, squinting his eyes with despise. Harry had never seen Niall like that, nothing even close and it was throwing him off. 

”I don’t want to hear another word”, Niall said in the end and turned and walked away. Harry stood there with his mouth half open, but all the words had left him. He was offended, embarrassed and mad all the same time, and didn’t know which feeling he should’ve let lead him on. Niall was the one who had spend the whole night with the girl, Niall was the one who didn’t even say anything to him when he left. 

But Harry was the one who looked like he had just slept with the girl whose name she didn’t even remember. Harry was the one who seemed and was a total douche. Harry was the one who didn’t have the guts to be true about his feelings. And Harry was the one who didn’t have the courage to even go to Niall’s door and ask the opportunity to explain things. Yeah, that was Harry for you.

 

\---

 

The next day Harry tried to get an opportunity to get Niall alone with him, but Niall always found a way to escape from those situations. Niall didn’t feel any desire to talk to Harry, or even look at him for a while. He should’ve know it, that this would happen. And he knew it, but chose to ignore it. I guess he was just hoping it wouldn’t come to this. 

After Niall had left Harry on the hallway he had locked up into his room, without his clothes or anything, and for a while Niall secretly hoped Harry would come and try to make it all okay. He couldn’t do it, but it would’ve meant something if he would’ve even tried. But he never came, not even a one knock on the door. And that’s when the regret came. Knowing how badly he’d fucked up when he ever started on going to Harry’s room.

The next day Harry’s efforts didn’t mean that much anymore. Niall had had time to cry his cry and now he was strong enough to blow Harry away. He was prepared to tell Harry he was just disappointed in him for taking a random girl with him form a bar, when he had barely even talked to her. Niall was prepared to make his anger look like it was something else than jealousy. 

Although Harry must’ve already known it wasn’t anything but jealousy. 

 

The change only happened when Niall joined the lads in the tour bus, as they were getting moving again, and he walked himself into the worst conversation - not being so bad in the end though…

”So did you know her?” Liam asked Harry as they sat on the couch playing FIFA. Harry glanced at Niall, who just walked in, regretting it immediately. ”No”, Harry answered, trying to bounce his gaze between the screen and Niall, who sat down on the other sofa with a sigh. 

”Oh, I didn’t know you did that anymore”, Liam teased knowing Harry better than that, knowing Harry really wouldn’t. For Niall the tease sounded totally different. ”No, I don’t”, Harry said, blushing under Niall’s judgmental eyes. ”I didn’t sleep with her or anything”, Harry clarified and looked Niall straight in the eyes. 

”Yeah, I know you didn’t. Just messing with you”, Liam laughed as Harry continued staring at Niall, whose features softened little by little with the confusion. ”And I’m totally killing you here, Haz!”, Liam yelled and Harry let his control slip from his hand to his lap. 

Harry looked pleading and so ashamed and apologetic when he just continued looking at Niall, who clearly tried to make up his mind on what to believe. To that Harry just slowly shook his head and praid Niall to believe him. 

”Harry, come keep me company”, Niall said suddenly, his voice so normal and so far from the look in his face, that it was hard to understand they were coming from the same person. Harry of course bounced up and followed Niall to the bunk bed area. They waited for a while making sure, Louis and Liam were all consecrated on playing, before turning to each other.

”I didn’t sleep with her, Niall”, Harry said quietly and felt his cheeks burning a little bit again. ”It did think about it when you left with the brunette, but…” Harry mumbled not knowing what to do with his hands. ”I couldn’t do something like that”, Harry said and would’ve wanted to add ’to you’. 

Niall looked at Harry for a long while, making sure he wasn’t letting Harry just lie straight to his face, until giving up. ”Yeah, what ever. Not my business anyway”, Niall said but still feeling and looking annoyed as hell. 

Then Niall went and laid on one of the bunk beds and looked at Harry with an annoyed look. ”Well are you coming or not?” He asked while getting the blanket on him. Harry froze for a moment, but recovered surprisingly quick and wiggled himself next to Niall in the small bed. It sure wasn’t the first time they cuddled in these bunks, all of the lads did that time to time, Niall for example with Zayn and later on with Harry. It was quite normal, but now it still felt different. 

Harry squirmed around a little bit, getting a annoyed sigh out of Niall, but finally found a comfortable position on his side, with his head laying on Niall’s chest and his other leg on top of Niall’s legs. ”I’m sorry, Ni”, Harry whispered then and drew little circles on Niall’s chest and shoulder and arm. ”I’m sorry for making you angry or disappointed, or anything. I was just… I was so stupid and childish, but I was just so…” jealous. 

Harry didn’t have the courage to look up to Niall when he sighed again, but the he wrapped his hand on Harry’s shoulders and stroked his arm gently. 

”Okay, Harry. Okay”, Niall said with much calmer voice and leaned his cheek against Harry’s head. And finally Harry felt like he could breath again.

 

\---

 

”Why don’t you ever sleep without a shirt?” Harry asked frowning after few days of constant recording. Niall was going through his bag for clean clothes for the next day and looked up to Harry who was sitting on the bed with just boxers on, and he wasn’t even under the covers. 

”You’d want me to?” Niall laughed and continued to seek for a one certain t-shirt. 

”Well, yeah”, Harry said like it was obvious, making Niall look at him with one brow up. Then he just rolled his eyes and focused on his bag again. After he found what he was looking for, Niall stood up and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. He brushed his teeth and quickly dried his hair to the towel, putting his boxers on, but when he was about to put the shirt on, he reconsidered Harry’s words. Maybe he was being serious after all.

Well, worst would be that Harry would make a joke about it or something, so Niall didn’t put the shirt on, just walked into the room with only boxers on. Harry was hunched over his phone, sitting in the middle of the bed feet crossed, but when he lift his gaze he quickly forgot the phone, putting it halfheartedly to the side. 

”Ni, you look so good”, Harry said, making Niall blush and grin only a bit awkwardly. ”Harry, please stop messing with me. Don’t need any of that right now”, Niall said and brushed his half wet hair with his fingers, not wanting to look at Harry, not wanting to see how he would burst into laugh or something. 

”I’m not messing with you, I’m always serious when I’m complimenting you”, Harry said instead, making Niall lift his gaze as he walked towards the bed. Harry had raised to his knees and dragged himself almost on the foot of the bed. Somehow as if there had been a magnetic pull, Niall walked towards Harry, and Harry lifted his arms to reach for Niall.

”I wanna blow you so bad”, Harry said quietly as Niall reached the bed, and Harry's hands found their way to Niall’s abs. Niall was seriously wondering if he had fallen in the shower and this was just some dream he was having unconscious. But there they were, looking at each other with needy eyes and it was nothing what friends should be doing. Nope, definitely not and still neither off them was backing away.

”Come here”, Harry said and pulled Niall from the hips to the bed. Niall almost crashed on top of Harry, but managed to flip himself on his back and next to Harry. Quickly he dragged himself upward and Harry hastily followed. But Harry didn’t come up all the way, instead stopping mid way, placing himself between Niall’s thighs. 

Only when Harry started to drag Niall’s boxers down, Niall really realized what Harry was about to do, or that he was really going to go through with it. Somehow Niall had been still waiting for Harry to burst into laugh and yell: ”You should’ve seen your face”.

But Harry just took his boxers of and closed Niall’s cock in his hand, lowering his head closer. 

”Hey Harry… You”, Niall rambled and tried to stop Harry with his hand, making Harry lift his eyes to him. ”You don’t want me to?” Harry asked with the same seriousness still in his eyes, making Niall heart pound even harder. What was Niall supposed to say to something like that? Yes, please?

”Then shut up and just let me do this”, Harry said firmly, but at the same time his voice was somehow pleading, as if this was something Niall was doing for Harry, as if giving him something he wanted. 

Niall’s thoughta were quickly put to rest when Harry mouth closed on Niall’s half hard dick, making Niall heart pump blood to his groin in a rush. Niall threw his head to the pillows, not being able to catch his breath for a moment. Harry certainly knew what he was doing and Niall didn’t even want to start wondering where he had learnt all that, not that he even could’ve, when Harry was making his head spin. Niall would’ve wanted to dip his fingers into Harry’s curls, but placed them against the mattress instead, grabbing the sheet as if that would’ve helped him to muffle his moans. 

”Oh fuck… Harry”, Niall groaned squirming around so that Harry had to place his other hand on Niall’s hip to stop him from moving too much. Even though Niall tried to hold it, it took embarrassingly short amount of time until Niall was already coming, only being able to tug Harry from the shoulder to let him know what was coming. First Niall thought Harry hadn’t understood, but he soon realized Harry had understood very well but just wanted Niall to come in his mouth. Niall cried out Harry’s name when Harry just kept going with a slow phase, swallowing all, as Niall rode off from his high. 

Harry got up only when he was absolutely sure Niall was done and was getting extra sensitive. Niall was absolutely boneless and hardly knew what was happening when Harry placed his other hand next to Niall’s shoulder, hovering on top of Niall, starting to get himself off with a deadly phase. 

”Just give me a second and I’ll…” Niall mumbled lifting his hand to Harry’s chest, but Harry just shook his head fiercely and said: ”No, don’t worry”. And as much as Niall would’ve wanted to give Harry the same amount of pleasure he knew he was too weak for doing a great job at it. Probably would’ve just end up getting Harry go limb…

Wanting to do something, Niall let his hands wander around Harry’s body, hoping Harry liked it. Harry gave in for the touch, lowering himself closer to Niall, their foreheads almost touching each other. 

”Come for me, Harry”, Niall whispered before having the decency to stop himself. The truth was that he didn’t want anything more than to see Harry come, getting off from being so aroused from blowing Niall off, seeing Niall there underneath him. 

And the words did the trick, even though Niall wouldn’t have never thought they would. Harry went rushing over the edge as if only wanting to oblige to Niall, coming hard on Niall’s stomach and chest. Harry was the most beautiful sight Niall had even seen, riding off his orgasm, hovering there on top of him and getting all shaky with the aftershock. Niall was ready for Harry to crash on him, when holding himself up would be too much, but what Niall wasn’t ready for was how Harry before crashing, got closer to his face and pecked a quick kiss on Niall’s lips. 

Niall wasn’t sure if it was the small kiss or Harry’s weight falling on him that made the air escape from his lungs, but he wasn’t bothered by it at all. No. He had just experienced such an amazing twenty minutes that if getting your breath knocked out was the price, Niall was happy to pay. 

”Sorry…” Harry whispered then, against Niall’s neck, not moving his dead weight off of Niall. ”You just came from the shower”, he continued, making Niall let out a relieved laugh. As long as he wasn’t apologizing for the kiss or the blowjob, then everything was fine.

As long as Harry wasn’t putting them again to the ”just friends” category, everything was fine. Better than fine.

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me your opinion! :)


	4. Just wanna hold ya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Niall didn’t want to back away, so he placed himself between Harry’s thighs. But instead of straight going for the boxers, he placed himself higher putting his hand on either side of Harry’s shoulder and leaning closer to Harry. Carefully, being ready for Harry to flinch away, Niall lowered his face until his lips touched Harry’s collarbone. 
> 
> ”This okay?” Niall asked and looked up at Harry, who looked kind of dazzled. ”Of course”, he answered confusing Niall a little bit with the word choice. Of course it was okay for Niall to kiss Harry’s body? Well okay then…

Chapter 4

 

It had been a week or two from the time Harry gave Niall the amazing blowjob. They hadn’t talked about it, they just kept on going like nothing major had happened. Niall kept on sleeping in Harry’s room, not even bothering to take a room of his own anymore. They just told the staff to book them a room with two king sized beds, even though they'd only used one of them - but they had to even try and keep it all in the safe side. They didn’t want anyone leaking information of them having only one room, with one bed. Now they could just laugh it off and say that they like to write together or just hang out together during the evening, so it was more practical to be in the same room. Louis and Liam didn’t comment the arrangement at all. 

Niall had been thinking about the blowjob every day for the past few weeks and thinking of a way to make it happen again. They had got each other off few times, but Harry hadn’t done anything more. They had cuddled like normally, but Harry hadn’t made a move for Niall’s lips again. 

So one evening when Niall knew they would be busy for the next two, three days, he wondered again if there was anyway to make it happen again. Niall wanted desperately to return the favour. 

They were standing in the bathroom like a proper old married couple, other one brushing his teeth and the other one washing his face. When Niall dried his face to the towel he eyed Harry carefully through the mirror. Harry was humming something and rocked his head a little bit along with it, mouth full of toothpaste. He was only wearing a pair of boxers and his hair was still damp from the shower. Needless to say that Harry looked goooood…  
Niall only realized he was staring when Harry stopped moving and humming and looked at him from the mirror and nodded his head as a question. 

”Can I blow you tonight?” Niall asked before thinking how stupid it sounded. The blush was immediate, but Niall was able to keep his eyes at Harry, who on the other hand almost choked on his toothbrush. Loudly coughing Harry leaned upon the sink and spit out all the paste. After he had spurt his mouth clean he lifted his head and looked at Niall still through the mirror, even when he could’ve just turned to him. Niall was happy he didn’t…

”You want to blow me?” Harry asked as if he was questioning if he had heard Niall right. Niall nodded his head insecurely and finally had to lower his gaze. ”I’m probably no good, but I’d like to try. You did it and I’d like to…” Niall muttered under his breath glancing at Harry from time to time. 

”I don’t want you to do it just ’cause I did it to you”, Harry said with slight anointment in his voice, making Niall doubt the whole thing. ”It’s no only ’cause that. I’d want to try”, Niall repeated and only then Harry seemed to understand what Niall was saying.

”You haven’t…?” Harry asked quietly and placed his hand on the sink, like seeking for support. ”No”, Niall said and laughed nervously. 

”But you’d want to…?” Harry asked sounding really doubtful but also hopeful, giving Niall some kind of courage. ”Yeah”, Niall said and glanced at Harry again, just to see him nipping his head back for a while, like trying to gather himself. Harry stayed like that for along while, making Niall more nervous, almost hoping he hadn’t opened his mouth at all. But only almost.

”Yeah, sure, okay. If you really want to…” Harry said finally and looked at Niall again. ”I absolutely don’t want you to do anything you’re not okay with”, Harry said looking all serious and mature. ”I want to”, Niall said with a half smile before his nerves got to him, making Harry bite his lip and look like he was annoyed about something. Then Harry just turned Niall around and pushed him out of the bathroom. 

”I’m gonna be mad at you if you do this without really wanting to or really thinking this through…” Harry talked as they walked to the bed, sounding like he was scolding Niall of something. ”Stop acting like I’m some kind of virgin…!” Niall threw back and gave a annoyed look to Harry. ”Even though I haven’t given a blow job to anyone doesn’t mean I don’t know anything. I know when I want to do something and when not”, Niall talked, calming down towards the end.

Harry was a bit surprised, but just nodded his head in the end and sat on the bed. Niall looked at him for a moment before sighing and getting on the bed, crawled to Harry’s back. He wrapped his hands around Harry’s shoulders and pressed his cheek on Harry’s cheek from behind Harry's back. 

”Sorry. Didn’t mean to snap at you”, Niall said quietly and cradled Harry a bit. ”I know, I’m sorry for hovering”, Harry said back and placed his hand on Niall’s arms. It all seemed so normal, so natural, that Niall had a hard time thinking that there would be any limitations at all to what they could do to each other and what not. 

”Just trust me, okay?” Niall said smiling and pulled off, turning Harry around at the same time. ”Even though I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing, but trust me”, Niall grinned and backed away making space for Harry to lay down. Harry grinned a little bit and laid down, but they both knew the vibe wasn’t right for anything like blowing another off. Neither of them were really in the mood, after all.

But Niall didn’t want to back away, so he placed himself between Harry’s thighs. But instead of straight going for the boxers, he placed himself higher putting his hand on either side of Harry’s shoulder and leaning closer to Harry. Carefully, being ready for Harry to flinch away, Niall lowered his face until his lips touched Harry’s collarbone. 

”This okay?” Niall asked and looked up at Harry, who looked kind of dazzled. ”Of course”, he answered confusing Niall a little bit with the word choice. Of course it was okay for Niall to kiss Harry’s body? Well okay then…  
Niall lowered his face to Harry’s skin again, now placing a proper kiss on Harry’s shoulder, then slowly making his way to Harry’s neck. Harry was kind of stiff, but started to relax as Niall’s kisses continued, eventually lifting his hands on Niall’s waist. 

Niall would’ve wanted to continue all the way to Harry’s lips, but he decided to stay on the neck and lower - at least for now. Without a rush Niall made his way lower, stopping for a second to think it through until closing Harry’s nipple in his mouth. Getting a slow gasp as a thank you. Niall didn’t stay at the nipple for long even though he would’ve wanted to take his time, but he was nervous that Harry would start to get bored or awkward or something. 

Niall kissed Harry’s abs and Harry’s sides and then jumped to Harry’s thighs, not touching Harry’s boxers yet. Making a pleasant note that now Harry was certainly in the mood. After few kisses Niall touched Harry through the fabric, lips on his thighs, before dragging the boxers down. During that short moment when Niall had to separate his lips from Harry’s skin, he used the moment to glance at Harry’s face. 

Harry was so beautiful, cheeks flushed and mouth partly open as he would be getting out of breath already. ”I’m warning you, I might be no good”, Niall said quietly and took Harry’s cock in his hand, making Harry close his eyes for a second and push his head against the pillows, before getting his body to relax again. 

”You’ll be the best, I’m sure”, Harry said hitching, eyes all dark and glassy, making Niall marvel on the word choices again. Well at least someone trusted his capability. 

Niall tore his eyes away from Harry’s gorgeous face and bend down again. After few slow strokes Niall licked his lips and opened his moth, praying he would do a decent job. Harry felt huge in his mouth and Niall was shocked how could anyone fit all that in their mouths. Niall tried his best to pump his head up and down and luckily soon he realized to put his other hand on the base to fill the space that Niall’s mouth didn’t cover. 

For a long while Niall was so focused on just keeping the rhythm that he didn’t even remember to check Harry’s face to make sure he wasn’t grinning in pain or something. But when he looked up, still trying to keep the phase up, and met Harry’s gaze, he could only register Harry’s openly moaning mouth and wild going eyes for a second, before Harry was coming hard in Niall’s mouth. Niall was taken by surprise and as a reflex he pulled his head back making all the cum land on his face and chest and hand.

”I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, Harry begged in the middle of the orgasm, but Niall hushed him with continuing to stroke him through the high and the aftershock. 

It was only when Niall was sure that Harry was done, when he straightened his back and took the corner of the sheets to clean his face off. ”I’m so sorry, Niall”, Harry huffed, too tired, or too ashamed to open his eyes. ”I didn’t even know I was close until I was already coming”.

”It’s fine, don’t apologize”, Niall said getting himself fairly clean. ”That was probably the best way of telling me that I didn’t suck at it after all”, Niall grinned, getting Harry to peek under his arm that he put upon his eyes. 

”You were so good, Nialler”, Harry said and covered his eyes again. ”And looked so hot… And fuck, when you looked up…” Harry praised, peeking behind his hand again, only to find Niall on his knees, leaning on his heels and jerking himself off, eyes locked on Harry.

Harry was astonished for a second, before he got his motility back, pulling Niall closer so that he was holding himself upon Harry with one hand that was placed next to Harry’s head. Harry quickly replaced Niall’s hand on his dick with his own hand, determined to give Niall even fraction of the pleasure back. 

”You look so gorgeous, Nialler”, Harry whispered and looked Niall in the eyes. Niall looked like he was almost in pain, but in a good way. ”Your eyes made me cum so fucking quick. Never had that happen to me before”, Harry talked making Niall close his eyes and pull his head back, hands in both sides of Harry’s head squeezing the sheet. 

”So fucking beautiful, Ni”, Harry said and wanted to kiss Niall so bad. Swallow all the muffled moans coming out of Niall’s perfect mouth. Harry was sure he could never look at Niall singing the same.  
”You too, Haz - ”, Niall whispered breath hitching, eyes still closed. 

Only few more strokes and Niall was coming on Harry’s stomach, letting out sinful moans that almost made Harry want to get himself off again. Niall dropped on his elbows, but still kept himself from crashing on top of Harry, probably not wanting to dip himself on to the cum on Harry’s stomach. Niall rested his forehead on Harry’s for a while as he caught his breath. When he was coming back around, he lifted himself little higher and looked Harry in the eyes and then to his lips. 

Harry had to use all his self-control on not closing the space between their lips and kissing Niall for real this time. Instead he settled on saying: ”It’s okay. You can kiss me if you want to”.

Niall looked Harry in the eyes for just few second until glancing down to his lips the last time and then rolling himself off from Harry falling on to his back right next to Harry. Harry felt light disappointment, but decided not to let it bother him, after all he had gotten a blow job - and a really good one - so he shouldn’t be complaining. 

Harry cleaned himself up quickly with the paper towels that were on his night stand and then rolled on to his back again. Harry wasn’t thinking of anything particular when Niall touched his bicep to get his attention. An right when Harry turned his head, Niall’s lips were placed on his lips. The lips stayed there only for a fleeting moment and then were gone again, giving Harry no time to process it. 

Niall had rolled on his back again but returned Harry’s gaze, smiling crookedly and just slightly awkwardly, or shyly, Harry couldn’t be sure.

”I wasn’t ready…” Harry said halfheartedly as if to himself before lifting up on his other elbow to reach over Niall, returning his lips on Niall’s. Niall was clearly surprised, but recovered quickly, closing his eyes and responding to the kiss - making Harry’s heart melt. 

”Thank you…” Harry whispered when he separated his lips from Niall’s meeting Niall’s blue smiling eyes. ”That was so good”, he said, not knowing what part he meant the most. Niall just laughed quietly and didn’t mind the slight blush that made it’s way to his cheeks, pushing his way under Harry’s arm, head on his chest. 

And Harry couldn’t have been happier. For a moment he finally felt like everything could turn out well. That it wouldn’t all turn to hell eventually. But that was when he was concisely forgetting all about the break coming up.  
The year or two when they wouldn’t spend all their days in shared bedrooms and in one bed. When he wouldn’t see Niall’s face every day. 

 

\---

 

”Be careful with Niall, okay?” Liam said one night after they were done recording and Harry was just chilling with Liam waiting for Niall to be done. Harry’s smile faltered as he turned to Liam, who was dead serious.

”What do you mean?” Harry asked, heart pumping nervously. ”I’m not blind, I know you two have something going on, and I’m not saying more than to just be careful with Niall. I don’t want to see him get hurt”, Liam talked and glanced to the other side of the studio which they had rented for few days, to get out of the hotel room recording. 

Harry was still confused, but also getting mad. ”What about me then?” Harry asked before getting to stop himself. ”What about me getting hurt?” Harry continued and stood up from the chair. ”I think Niall’s gonna be just fine, mate”, Harry added before turning to look at Niall, who was laughing his ass off with the others. 

”Harry, I…” Liam started, but Harry didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to start talking about it. It would’ve made everything too real. ”Nah, it’s okay, Liam. I know you are just looking out for him. We all are”, Harry said before looking at Liam one more time, with a light smile on his face. Liam looked confused, but nodded his head in the end as an agreement. Then Harry turned and walked away knowing Niall would meet him at the hotel when he was done.

 

\--

 

But when Harry got to the hotel he didn’t feel like going to the room alone after all, so he headed to the hotel bar and ordered himself some fancy drink. It was too sugary as all of them usually, but it made Harry’s mood slightly better, with the umbrellas and all. Harry couldn’t stop himself from panicking a little for the fact that Liam knew, and probably Louis knew and who knows how many others. 

And what was with that… Liam basically warning Harry to not get Niall hurt. But what about Harry? Who was going to be at his side when it all will turn to hell? When Niall won’t be at his corner anymore, who is he left with? 

Harry knew and agreed with how everybody took care of Niall, even though he was capable of taking care of himself too. But everybody babied him a little bit, Niall was everybody’s favourite, had always been. He was Harry’s favourite too, had been since the beginning, so he couldn’t blame anyone. And it hadn’t bothered him before ’ cause Niall had always favoured Harry too, especially after Zayn left. But now… Harry felt nervous and alone.

Harry couldn’t stop wondering it this was how he would feel like during the break.

 

\---

 

Harry had drank two more drinks before Niall found him from the bar. ”Here you are”, Niall sighed relieved and sat next to Harry, putting his hand on Harry’s shoulder. ”I thought you had left somewhere and didn’t say anything to me”, Niall said and smiled relieved at Harry, ordering himself a drink too.

”I should’ve told you if I had?” Harry asked halfheartedly, knowing he was being a brat. And definitely to the wrong person. Niall blushed a bit and had to consecrate on keeping the carefree smile on his face, but his eyes had gone hapless.

”Well I would appreciate it”, Niall said quietly and let his hand slip from Harry’s shoulder, making Harry’s chest ache little bit. ”Yeah, of course I should, I’m sorry, Niall”, Harry said quickly and lowered his gaze to his drink.  
”Is everything okay?” Niall asked then and lifted his hand again to touch Harry, but now from the shoulder blades, petting him slowly and extremely soothingly. Harry had no wonders why Niall was everyone’s favourite, when he was like this - always knowing how to make other’s feel better, feel happy again. 

”You’re my favourite person, you know that right?” Harry said suddenly, having the greatest urge to let Niall know how loved he was, and how amazing person he was. In case he didn’t know. 

Harry had lifted his eyes to meet Niall’s confused ones, and it truly warmed Harry’s heart, when the confusion turned into happiness, Niall breaking into the widest smile so that all his perfect teeth were showing. 

”I didn’t know that, Haz, but I’m so happy to hear it. You’re mine too”, Niall answered, making it so hard for Harry to not reach out at kiss Niall then and there. 

”I am?” Harry asked instead and finally got a small smile on his face. To that Niall bursted into laugh, but the good kind, where he was just amused that Harry didn’t know it already. 

”Yes, yes you are”, Niall said after calming down again, looking Harry deep into the green eyes, his blue ones so full of love that even Harry saw it. And just for a second Harry felt like he understood what Liam was saying, but then the moment was gone and so was the revelation. 

”Drink up, blondie, I want to blow you”, Harry said suddenly, making Niall burst out in laugh again. ”Harry, shush. Don’t say thing like that in the public”, Niall said between his laughs, but obeyed and drank his beer so that they could get moving. 

 

\--

 

It didn’t take more than few minutes for them to be at their room again, and Niall on the bed and Harry pulling off his super tight skinny jeans, before joining him. 

”You don’t want to tell me what was upsetting you earlier?” Niall asked, when Harry placed himself on top of Niall. ”Nope”, Harry answered immediately, spirit lifted and not wanting to even think about what had been going on his mind earlier.

”But you can talk to me, yeah?” Niall hovered, making Harry roll his eyes. ”Just shut up and let me blow you, okay?” Harry grinned and bowed down to Niall’s crotch, making sure Niall would lose the interest in talking. At least about that subject. 

”Oh, fuck, Harry… I -”, Niall moaned after few moments, being more vocal than usually, making Harry almost lose his rhythm. Harry would’ve wanted to take it slow, listen to Niall’s moaning endlessly, but he just couldn’t keep himself from quickening the phase up when it made Niall cry out his Harry’s name so sinfully. 

”Harry… I -, I need”, Niall tried to talk without breath breaking, but didn’t succeed all so well. ”I need you to… Harry…” Niall moaned and tug Harry’s hair to get his attention. So Harry lifted his head and looked up to Niall, who was almost gone already, eyes going glassy. 

”What do you need, baby? Tell me”, Harry asked and kept on stroking Niall at the same time.

”Kiss me”, Niall sighed and got his eyes to focus on Harry. ”Need you to kiss me. Harry, please…” Niall pegged, making Harry chest hurt with fondness. It didn’t take more than two second for him to be on top of Niall and lips crashed on to Niall’s lips. Niall gasped in surprise and gave Harry the opportunity to lick into his mouth, causing Niall to cling himself on to Harry like he was afraid he would back away again. But there was absolutely no worries about that.

The kissing and making out was making their both minds go blank and Harry just had to take his own dick and Niall’s dick on his hand and try to get some friction before they’d go mad. Niall moaned quietly into Harry’s mouth and at some point biting Harry’s lip almost too hard, but just enough to make Harry go over the edge - Niall right behind him.

After they were done and the kisses slowed down, in the end Niall pulling away slightly to get his face buried in Harry’s neck, they were both out of breath and absolutely boneless. Harry rolled over when Niall tugged him off, but stayed close to Niall, who started lazily to clean himself up. After getting himself clean Niall turned to clean Harry too, making Harry want to cry out for all the caring Niall was indicating towards him.

”You should stay in LA after we’re done with touring”, Harry said quietly, already very sleepy. Niall threw the papers away and turned to his side, facing Harry. ”More at least”, Harry added in fear of rejection. Niall just smiled and found Harry’s other hand, tucking his hand on Harry’s. 

”Yeah?” Niall asked making Harry open his eyes again to look at Niall who was looking cute as ever. ”Yeah”, Harry said firmly and squeezed Niall’s hand tightly. ”I’d want you there”, he added before nuzzling closer to press his head against Niall’s chest. Hearing how Niall’s heart pounded like it was racing. And for a moment he didn’t even remember why he had been so worried just few moments ago. 

Everything was fine, right?

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, just heads up that you should buckle up for the next one, 'cause there's gonna be some angst before the good part. Still wondering if I'm gonna leave the next chapter short ('cause I don't like the angsty parts either) or make a longer one so you wouldn't have to wait till the next chapter to see what becomes of them. 
> 
> Thank you all for comments and support, and please leave comments and opinions, so I know what you think!


	5. Maybe I should let you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Like a goodbye, you mean?” Niall asked without any emotions showing on his face and Harry didn’t almost recognize him. Niall was always showing something on his face and usually it was laughter and happiness, but now… He was shutting Harry out.

Chapter 5

Harry was getting anxious as they were getting closer and closer to the end of the tour. They had been talking a lot about it in the interviews and stuff, and Harry was slightly annoyed how Niall seemed to be the most eager one for it to be over. 

When at the same time Harry was dreading the day when Niall wouldn’t be near him anymore. He was of course waiting for all the other stuff they got to do, all the possibilities, all the things he had been planning to try and get done. But not seeing Niall everyday… That was going to be painful. 

Harry enjoyed every show and loved the energy that the crowd gave him, but every night he felt a little bit helpless. And he clung to Niall, making him cuddle him to sleep every night. Niall teased him about how the tables had been turned and if they would still sleep in separate rooms, Harry would be the one sneaking into his room. And that was probably right. But Harry couldn’t help it. 

Couldn’t help missing Niall already in advance.

They had had the talk about Niall spending more time in LA and Harry had been planning to spend more time in UK too, but still he felt sceptic. Like he was the only one being serious, so he didn’t have the courage to bring it up again.

 

\---

 

Niall and Harry kept on doing their thing, but at some point it didn’t seem to be enough anymore for Harry. He found himself craving more and more of Niall’s touch, Niall’s lips especially. Harry didn’t like it how he was denied of it in the normal life, how the kisses and touches were all locked into their hotel room and taking place only when they were jerking or blowing each other off.

One time Harry had kissed Niall’s shoulder quite briefly when Niall was brushing his teeth and Harry came to wash his face. Niall had frozen up from the action, making Harry nervous and look guilty. ”It’s not okay?” Harry had asked, making Niall shake his head quickly. ”No, of course it’s okay”, Niall had said, but something in his expression made Harry stop himself in the future. 

So the things went on their pace and all too quickly the tour was coming to it’s end, and before Harry really understood he found himself listening to Niall’s last speech on the stage. Until that Harry had been able to just put it further, always just thinking: ”it’s not over yet, we still have time”. But now there they were and there was no more time. There wouldn’t be one more country, one more city, one more show. This was it. Niall was thanking everybody, talking to the fans so sweetly and making Harry’s chest tighten up. He could barely look at Niall’s way, when Niall told the lads how he loved them.

The worst part was hugging, well hugging Niall. The other’s were okay, bitter sweet more likely, wistful. But when Niall walked to him, Harry wanted to run. He couldn’t take it. Niall coming to tell goodbye to him too. No. He wouldn’t take it.

So Harry responded to Niall’s hug halfheartedly, just wrapping one arm around him and quickly moving away. Niall was clearly confused of Harry’s actions, but let it slide, letting Harry get away, walk to the edge and just consecrate on the fans. It was a lot easier for everybody. 

Rest of the show Harry couldn’t make himself look at Niall in the eyes. It was too painful and too scary. Harry wasn’t ready to see little bit sadness for not seeing the lads and the crew for so long, but mostly seeing relief that finally they would have time to breath and do other things. Harry wasn’t ready to see Niall doing okay, when he was breaking apart. When he was so scared of the future that for a moment he didn’t know how would he ever be okay again. 

 

\---

 

They had a small and intimate farewell party with the lads and the crew at the back stage. Everybody were laughing, smiling and crying, it was obviously really emotional. Harry was doing okay as long as he kept avoiding Niall. He was hugging people all the time, assuring it would be no time till they would see again. Saying goodbye. 

And it was all good and nice until Niall crept on Harry, wrapping his hand on Harry’s shoulders suddenly. ”Sad yet?” Niall asked with a wide grin on his face, but Harry could see from his eyes that Niall had shed few tears amongst all that smiling. And Harry was kind of pissed. For others Niall would be crying, but for him he would just come up grinning? Like it was nothing. Nothing big.

”I’m fine…” Harry said slowly and looked away. He wanted to shake Niall’s arm away, but didn’t want to be mean. Didn’t want to act like a child, whose mom wasn’t taking him to work with her.  
”Make sure you wait for me before you leave. Don’t want to ride to the hotel alone”, Niall said then and rubbed Harry’s shoulder with his thumb. 

”You don’t want to go party with the others?” Harry asked hoping that his voice wouldn’t sound too desperate. Niall looked a little bit shy, taking his hand off from Harry’s shoulder and tugging it into his blond hair. 

”Well we can go if you want to, but I was thinking we could spend time with just the two us, too…” Niall spoke and looked at Harry with shyness in his eyes, making it really hard for Harry not to kiss him right away. ”If you want”, he added hesitantly.

”I want to”, Harry said immediately and touched Niall’s arm gently. ”Just tell me when you are ready to go”, he said and looked Niall deep in the eyes. And for a moment Harry thought that maybe this wasn’t the end after all, maybe this wasn’t the goodbye.

But as soon as Niall had nodded and turned away to say goodbye to some others, Harry realized that it was exactly the opposite. This was the goodbye. Niall wanted to spend the last evening with him to tell him properly goodbye. 

And Harry’s heart sank to the floor and suddenly he didn’t want to leave the back stage at all. He just wasn’t ready.

 

\---

 

They both were quiet as they sat in the car, on their way to the hotel. Niall seemed to be anxious too, but Harry couldn’t be sure if it was because of all the goodbyes said that night or the one which was still left.

”You okay, Harry?” Niall asked quietly and touched Harry’s leg carefully. Harry turned to look at Niall, facing Niall’s concerned eyes, but Harry couldn’t look at them for long ’cause the tightness in his chest was getting almost unbearable.

”It’s just weird… Thinking of not seeing everybody all the time anymore”, Harry said quietly hoping Niall wouldn’t continue talking about the topic. Harry didn’t want to talk at all, actually. He didn’t think he would be able to without breaking. ”Yeah, I know”, Niall sighed and left his hand on Harry’s lap. 

Harry had to close his eyes to prevent tears form rising up to his eyes. This wasn’t the place to be breaking down. Not here, not now. Not yet. Oh, God not yet.

 

\--

 

They were quiet all the way till the hotel room. They were quiet even when they got in, neither of them knowing what were they suppose to do now. Pat each other on the back and say good riddance?

When Harry felt like he couldn’t take it anymore, only thinking it all in his head, he walked to Niall and pushed him all they to the wall, pressing his back tightly against it. 

”I don’t know what am I going to do when I don’t see you every day. I’m too used to it”, Harry whispered, hands on Niall’s cheeks. ”I know”, Niall replied and put his hands on Harry’s waist. 

”I just…” Harry whispered before placing his lips on Niall’s. Niall responded to the kiss immediately and tightened his grip on Harry. For a long while it was just them, all the thoughts leaving them, kissing against the wall. 

Niall’s lips matching perfectly to Harry’s, like they were always meant to end up there. Maybe they were.

Harry wouldn’t have wanted to, but he had to eventually break the kiss to catch his breath. And then the thoughts were back again. 

”Niall, I…” Harry said under his breath and touched Niall’s lips with his finger, wanting to stay there endlessly. ”I want…” He talked trying to find the words to describe what he wanted. How he wanted Niall. How desperately he just wanted Niall to be his, and himself to be Niall’s. Just wanted to have something no one could even take away from them. How he just didn’t want to let go. Not yet, when he was still craving so much more. 

”I want to have sex with you, want you to fuck me”, Harry said before really understanding what he was saying. But when it was said he knew he wouldn’t get it back, so might as well go through with it. If that was the only thing he could get from Niall, get something more, then that was what he wanted. 

”Harry…” Niall said quietly, looking at Harry’s eyes and trying to read them. Trying to understand what had changed. 

”For the last night's sake, yeah?” Harry said with a joyless laugh, making Niall’s face go unreadable. ”Last night, huh?” Niall asked and Harry could see him closing up right before his eyes. And Harry couldn’t understand what had happened.

”Like a goodbye, you mean?” Niall asked without any emotions showing on his face and Harry didn’t almost recognize him. Niall was always showing something on his face and usually it was laughter and happiness, but now… He was shutting Harry out. 

”I guess, yeah”, Harry said and leaned to kiss Niall, not being able to look at Niall’s face anymore. Niall’s eyes were too cold and unfamiliar to look at. Niall did respond to the kiss and let Harry start touching his abs and sides underneath his shirt, and even started touching Harry’s back too, but still something was different. Off in some way.

”Harry, no…” Niall said when Harry was about to put his hand on Niall’s pants, making Harry freeze all together. Harry was expecting this, but it was still a shock. ”We can do what we normally do, but…” Niall talked, pushing Harry a bit further so he could look Harry in the eyes. ”But no more than that”, Niall said and Harry knew there was no changing his mind.

”It’s okay, I’m okay with it. I have done it before, you just…” Harry blabbered even knowing it was pointless. ”It’s not about that”, Niall cut him off and placed his hand on Harry’s shoulders, to keep him away when Harry tried his best to press himself back against Niall. 

”I’d do anything for you, Harry, but not this”, Niall said with real sadness in his eyes, what Harry couldn’t understand. ”Not like this”, Niall added and let Harry finally come to him, wrapping his hand around Harry as tightly as he dared. 

And that’s when Harry broke. Pressing his face on the crook of Niall’s neck and let the tears come. The rejection was just too much to all the sadness Harry was already feeling, that it was just impossible to keep it all in. 

Niall soothed him for a long time, kissing Harry’s hair on the way, feeling the loss as badly as Harry did. It all was just so wrong. It was never suppose to end like this. 

Not like this.

 

\--

 

The next day when Niall sat on the plane, feeling numb all over, he couldn’t understand how he had even been able to let Harry go. In the morning after cuddling in the bed for hours and hours, when neither of them was really able to sleep, they had said goodbye. It had been small and simple, but at the same time so, so hard and painful. Harry had left first and just hugged Niall as halfheartedly as on the stage, not saying other than: ’see you soon’, and then he was gone. Leaving without a word for the future. Leaving Niall behind.

Niall had sat on the bed till it was his time to go too, not being able to even cry. It all seemed surreal. It would take weeks, or maybe months to realize they were really not coming back in a while. And Harry hadn’t mentioned anything about them seeing. Nothing about Niall spending time in LA, nothing about Harry maybe coming to London at some point. Nothing even slightly referring to the future where they might be together, where they might see each other. Nothing.

Just wanting to have a fuck for goodbye.

Niall almost started crying when he even thought about it. He just couldn’t understand Harry. They had been doing their thing for months and never had it been even a question if they’d have sex at some point and Niall had assumed it wasn’t even on the table. And then Harry goes and offers it as a goodbye. Not even wanting to talk about the future with Niall. Not giving Niall the chance to ask: ’so what about us? When would be a good time for me to spend more time in LA?’.

Nope. Just telling Niall this was it. A good bye. 

Did he really think Niall would’ve wanted to have their first time like that? Bitter sweet and sad? So he could always reminisce what could’ve been if Harry had returned his feelings. If Harry would’ve wanted to keep going. 

Being just a vessel to make Harry feel better after having to say goodbye to all the others. Filling the space Harry felt empty after leaving their normal life behind. Well he would rather live without knowing what Harry felt like, what he looked like when they would be having sex.

No, all that would haunt him way worse than all this. There was already too much of Harry in Niall’s mind and memory, too many places on his skin that Harry’s lips had touched, too many kisses laid on his lips. It was way enough to make Niall go mad just like this, so no, he didn’t want it like that. He never wanted it like that.

 

\--

 

Before going home to his family, Niall decided to spend a night in his house in London. He knew that he would break down if his dad would see him like this. ’Everything good, Niall?’ would be all it takes to make Niall break. So he stayed one night by himself, trying to make himself understand that it was over now.

Who knows maybe they would continue their little thing when the band would get back together in a year or two, but Niall didn’t want that. That’s what he absolutely didn’t want. He didn’t want to spend his time on the break with the slight hope of having a wank buddy again at some point. No, Niall was way too deep in all this, and the only way was down. This would be just the start. He would feel even worse maybe in couple of days, or weeks or even months. Now that Niall had had his hopes up it was all so much more painful. 

Niall kept waking up all the time that night and every single time Niall couldn’t stop himself from checking his phone. Every time Niall felt the hope of Harry trying to contact him, maybe wanting to make it all good, but every time Niall just got disappointed. Harry didn’t call. Harry didn’t text. 

After all it had been Niall who had the sleeping problems, so probably Harry was already sleeping soundly in his bed in LA. 

As if…

 

\---

 

Harry filled his days with seeing people in LA for as much as he could, not wanting to be alone. He arranged meetings and promised to come to every event he was invited, just to keep himself busy. Anything to stop himself from thinking about Niall and how things were left between them. 

So Harry filled his days, weeks and moths up, until it started to get better - easier. It wasn’t hard to seem normal to other people since the day one, but being alone started to get easier only after couple of months. 

The lads still saw each other every now and then because they had some interviews and meetings and stuff. And when they got together after a month from the end of the tour and last time they saw, Harry was unbearably nervous about seeing Niall again.

But as soon as they met Harry understood how the plot was going to go. They were okay. As Niall had promised, they would always be and always continue to be okay. As soon as Harry locked eyes with Niall, they just simply met each other in the middle and closed each other in a tight but brief hug. They smiled and asked ’how have you been’. 

And poof.

Everything they had going on - doing stuff and feeling stuff that best mates shouldn’t be doing and feeling - were gone. As if had never happened. They fell to their normal phase on messing with each other, laughing around, just being the normal Harry and Niall they had always been. Without any discussion or even awkward glancing they returned to being best of friends and everything was good.

Everything was fine.

 

\---

 

As relieved as Harry was that he hadn’t lost all the connection to Niall, or broken their friendship, the change almost hurt more than if their friendship had been somehow damaged. At least that would’ve told Harry that it had been real. It all had happened. He had kissed Niall, he had cuddled next to him, he had loved Niall from the bottom of his heart and for a while felt that it was going to be enough.

But now it could’ve been all just a dream. Harry could’ve imagined all. They were fine and nothing ever happened. Nothing so big and major that it would’ve affected the way Niall was around him after it all ended. And that’s what broke Harry’s heart for real.

 

\--

 

Eventually Harry got used to all of it. He came to terms with how it was easier for everybody that the things ended as they did. This time, when they officially went to the break, when there would be any excuses to see Niall anymore, no interviews, not meetings, it was easier. It was surprisingly easy to hug Niall this time, whole-heartedly and wish him everything good, tell him Harry would miss and hope they see each other soon. 

It wasn’t ripping Harry’s heart out anymore. He had had time to get used to seeing Niall time to time and just be normal with him. Of course there were moments when Harry thought he saw something more in Niall’s eyes when he was looking at Harry, or felt as if in Niall’s touch was tighter as it should’ve been, but then the next moment always came and Harry didn’t see or feel it again. Those things were quite easy to just brush off. 

And frankly, Harry thought he was fine. He thought that maybe the feelings of love he had felt weren’t as deep as he had first thought. Maybe it all was just a heat of the moment, being on a tour, having such a hectic life, that it made it seem more than it was.

But after few weeks, when Harry hadn’t seen the lads for meetings or interviews or anything, it hit him. Suddenly he realized that it was really over. There really wasn’t anything that would bring them together again. They were on a break and they didn’t have to do anything concerning the band. So there was nothing holding Niall and Harry together. 

Realizing there wasn’t anything putting them in the same place, bringing them together, was what brought Harry to tears. And the realization of that he was too much of an coward to call him and ask if they should meet up. He knew that it was fine, when they were as a band, Harry could be normal and be just friends, when there was other people, when there was cameras. But if he would see Niall alone… When they were just Harry and Niall, just seeing each other because they missed each other, it would be different. Harry knew they couldn’t keep all the other stuff away. It would be awkward and it wouldn’t be pretty.

And Harry just couldn’t take it. Realizing how he had lost Niall the day he left from their hotel room, after all. 

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the ones who might be annoyed by how all the facts don't match the reality, I'm sorry. I tried my best but with this story it's impossible to get it all to match. 
> 
> Hope you still liked :)


	6. Maybe tonight I'll call ya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Now go inside and find your friends and tell them I told you to go home, okay?” Niall said hoping he could be there taking care of him. Taking Harry home. ”You should be sleeping it off already”, Niall sighed and knew already that this conversation would haunt him for a long time. Harry’s words would probably make Niall crazy but he would be too much of an coward to address them again. 
> 
> ”Okay, I will..” Harry muttered and was silent then for a moment. ”Hey Nialler”, he said then, making Niall humm ass a response. ”I’ll see you soon, okay?” His voice was quiet and surprisingly sober again, making Niall just stuff all the hopes of Harry remembering this, deeper. He didn’t want to hope. Hope would just tear him apart like every other time.

Chapter 6

 

It had been three months since the last time Niall had heard Harry’s voice, when suddenly at six in the morning Harry was calling him. Niall was too confused from the sleep to think if he should answer at all. For a short moment he felt like he was on tour again and it was time to get up and get going. Only when he lifted the phone on his ear, he remembered that he didn’t have anything special booked until noon. He was suppose to sleep in today. 

”Harry?” Niall said with a deep and groggy voice, making him clear his throat.

”Niall?” Harry almost yelled to the phone and there was a lot of other noise coming from the back round. ”Ni, I miss you!”, Harry croaked and Niall had to take the phone further from his ear. 

”Harry, where are you, there’s a lot of noise”, Niall talked already knowing where Harry was and that was the reason he was even calling Niall. Harry was partying and he was drunk. 

Suddenly it became quiet and for a moment Niall thought Harry had hung up on him, making his heart jump with disappointment.

”Ni?” Harry voice called, now quieter and Niall figured he must’ve stepped outside. 

”Yeah, I’m here”, Niall said and felt the same ache in his heart as he felt almost every night when he went to sleep alone. He had been thinking of starting to date someone just for not having to sleep alone, but it didn’t seem right. Niall wasn’t the type to be using others. Nope, that was Harry’s thing. And oh, okay, he was getting angry…

”I’m sorry I called. I just miss you”, Harry says quietly and Niall can it hear it from his voice that he is drunk. 

”Well isn’t that nice”, Niall says spitefully, feeling ashamed right after. When did Niall become so childish? 

”I just miss everything about you. And sometimes it feels like I can’t take it”, Harry continues either not noticing Niall’s tone or deciding to ignore it. Either way, Harry’s words soothed Niall.

”I miss you too”, Niall says before he could stop himself. 

”You do?” Harry says surprised, but smiling. ”Yes, of course, what did you think?” Niall said with slight irritation. ”After all I was the one who didn’t want it to end, remember?”, at his rate Niall pinched the bridge of his nose, scolding himself for saying these things. But Harry was pretty drunk and there was a big chance that he wouldn’t remember any of this the next morning. Niall couldn’t decide witch outcome he hoped for.

Harry’s laugh interrupted Niall’s thoughts, making him believe someone else had joined Harry and Harry wouldn’t comment to Niall’s words at all.

”You? You were so eager for it to end. I was the one who was ’left behind’”, Harry talked making Niall understand that the laugh was for him. 

”Nobody is leaving you behind Harry, we all decided to take a break and…” Niall explained, but didn’t get far before Harry was interrupting him: ”I’m talking about us”, Harry’s voice is suddenly firm, as if just a moment ago he wouldn’t have had trouble getting all the words out correctly. Niall’s heart stopped for a second and then continued with such a rush, Niall had to bring himself in sitting position.

”I’m talking about you leaving me behind”, Harry specified, making Niall's anger rise again. ”What the hell Harry??” Niall asked hands trembling, wanting to grab Harry from the collar and yell some sense to him. He couldn’t be serious.

”I was definitely not the one who was leaving anyone behind. I wanted to talk about how would we continue from there, what would be the best way for us to keep seeing each other, but you didn’t let me even speak, just wanting me to fuck you as a goodbye!” Niall almost yelled. Now he absolutely hoped Harry wouldn’t remember this the next day. 

It was a good thing there was going to be so much time till they were coming back as a band. There would be time for this to be forgotten, even if Harry would remember Niall’s words the next day.

”You wanted to…” Harry said voice full of surprise. Then Harry was silent for a long time, making Niall very anxious, wanting to ring off, but not having the nerve. He wanted to know why Harry was so damn surprised as if this thought had never crossed his mind. 

”I thought you wanted to spend the last night with me to properly say goodbye. We never talked about the future so I assumed you didn’t want us on your break. That what we had was just something that was going on when touring, but nothing more. Niall, I thought…” Harry blabbered in a hurry and Niall had a hard time trying to understand every word, but he got the point. 

”So you are saying that…?” Niall continued wanting to hear it, otherwise he wouldn’t believe it. 

”I miss you, Nialler”, Harry said then, with voice going sluggish again. ”And I want to see you”, he rambled, making Niall sigh. Yeah, Harry wouldn’t probably remember any of this. Leaving Niall alone with this new knowledge that might or might not be true. 

”Well what should we do about that?” Niall asked instead of getting upset again. It was way too early for that and he didn’t have the energy. ”Can I come see you?” Harry muttered making Niall hope that there was someone to take care of him and take Harry home. Harry didn’t usually drink like that. But well, what did Niall know anymore anyway. 

”Yeah, you can”, Niall said, being positive of Harry not remembering anything, so what the hell. ”Now go inside and find your friends and tell them I told you to go home, okay?” Niall said hoping he could be there taking care of him. Taking Harry home. ”You should be sleeping it off already”, Niall sighed and knew already that this conversation would haunt him for a long time. Harry’s words would probably make Niall crazy but he would be too much of an coward to address them again. 

”Okay, I will..” Harry muttered and was silent then for a moment. ”Hey Nialler”, he said then, making Niall hum ass a response. ”I’ll see you soon, okay?” His voice was quiet and surprisingly sober again, making Niall just stuff all the hopes of Harry remembering this, deeper. He didn’t want to hope. Hope would just tear him apart like every other time.

”Yeah see you soon, Harry”, Niall said quietly before ringing off as he started hearing the music and the noise again. 

It took quite long until Niall was able to sleep again, but he knew he didn’t want to stay awake and think of all this. He knew sleep always helped him to sort things out. Maybe it would be the case this time too, maybe he would feel okay when he woke up. Maybe he wouldn’t be as scared of breaking his heart all over again, as he was now.

 

\--

 

The next day went on, Niall being in a trance, every body having to bring him back all the time. The day after that he started to get his sense back, knowing Harry didn’t remember. Otherwise he must’ve said something. Even sending out a text or something. But nope, they were on the radio silence again and there was nothing Niall could do.

And he had known this! But that was probably the reason why he felt so utterly betrayed by his own feelings. He should’ve been able to keep the hopes down. Not let them take over him again, but no. He got them up and now they were crashing down, making Niall’s chest ache. 

But yeah, life’s life. What can you do?

 

\---

 

It was five days after their phone conversation when Harry called him again. Now it was at least evening in London when he called. 

”Hello”, Niall answered after taking a deep breath and praying he would be able to keep his cool. ”Hi, Niall. How are you?” Harry asked sounding sober, so maybe this wasn’t another drunk dial.

”I’m good, you?” Niall said with needlessly cold voice. But he couldn’t help but feeling upset for the casualty of Harry’s call now compared to the last one. ”Good. I actually just landed in Heathrow and I’m spending few days in London, and I was thinking if you’d be free to go for a lunch or dinner”, Harry talked, voice a little bit timid. Niall froze and panicked for a moment, suddenly not remembering what day it was, or where he was suppose to go even tonight. 

”Oh okay”, Niall said finally, wanting to hit his head against the wall. ”It’s just been too long since we saw each other, would be nice catching up”, Harry explained in a hurry.

”Yeah sure”, Niall said still surprised. ”Well, I’d be free for dinner tomorrow, if that’s okay?” Niall asked finally, not even being absolutely sure if he really was free then. 

”That’s fine”, Harry said too quickly. ”I guess I’ll see you then?” he added as if afraid of Niall taking it all back. ”Yeah, see you”, Niall said and rang off. 

It took a long moment until he really got his head together again and remembered where he was going, that he had to get ready and leave the house if he didn’t want to be late. Needless to say that the rest of the evening Niall spend in a trance like few days ago, Just trying to figure out if this was just a coincidence or if Harry remembered what they talked and wan here because of that. 

The next day would be nerve-racking. 

 

\---

 

Niall’s hands were sweating as he walked to the restaurant and tried to find Harry with his gaze when the waitress came to take his coat. Niall found Harry from the corner where the prying eyes wouldn’t see that easily but it was Harry’s hair that made it harder for Niall to spot him. 

He had seen the pictures that Harry had cut it, but he would probably never stop trying to spot the wild curls when he was trying to find Harry. 

Harry wasn’t faced to where Niall was coming, so it gave Niall a moment to just look at him before having to face him. Niall could only see little of his profile, but knew Harry looked amazing. Even with the new hair, he would be dazzling as ever, making Niall’s heart race. 

”Harry”, Niall said automatically when he was close enough, making Harry jump. Then he stood up, almost knocking the chair to the floor, when he turned to Niall’s voice. And yes… Harry looked amazing. And Niall was swoon. 

”Niall, hey…!” Harry said and leaned in for a brief hug. It was tense but kind of nice, both feeling some kind of relief of finally being in each others presence. 

”Your hair”, Niall smiled as he sat down and took the menu in his hands. It was easy to let all the nervousness fall away and let himself be swept away with the warm feeling of being faced to Harry. Finally.  
Harry blushed and reached for his hair, as if he could’ve taken a curl in between his fingers, but disappointingly realizing there was nothing there. 

”Yeah, I hoped you wouldn’t notice”, Harry said shyly, Niall not knowing if this was just one of his jokes or if he really meant it. ”Pretty hard not to”, Niall laughed a little and ordered a beer from the waitress who came to take their drink orders. Harry took wine. 

”I like it”, Niall said after the waitress had gone, making Harry’s eyes swing up. In a short moment all the fondness and love came rushing back to Niall, when Harry looked at him with his sparkling eyes, seeming so incredibly happy with Niall’s words. 

”Yeah?” Harry asked as if nothing else mattered than Niall’s opinion. ”Yeah”, Niall said having to lower his gaze, for otherwise he would’ve probably reached over the table and kissed Harry then and there.

 

After that they went to the normal topics, discussing thoroughly what each of them were doing and how their lives were going. And it was normal and comfortable, as it had always been with them. There was a small tension around them, but neither of them let it bother them until they had talked normally for over and hour. 

They both noticed the pause that came, when neither of them had anything to add to the earlier topics and both of them knew this was it. The time to address the elephant in the room. 

”So yeah…” Harry started and pushed his plate to the side. ”I’m sorry about calling you the other day”, Harry said, disappointing Niall right away. Niall didn’t want Harry to be here for apologizing.

”You must’ve been still sleeping and well…” he talked clearly being uncomfortable about speaking the subject. ”That was definitely not the place and time to be talking about all that”, Harry said finally letting Niall know that he probably remembered all what they talked. 

”Not on the phone. Not while I was that drunk”, he said sighing to himself. ”I’m sorry about that”, he ended and finally met Niall’s eyes. 

Niall looked a little bit upset, but kept his face quite emotionless, which made Harry anxious. ”So was it just drunk talk, or what?” Niall asked firmly knowing that he was making Harry uncomfortable with being so shut down all of a sudden. But Niall didn’t feel he had a choice. He wasn’t strong enough to open up yet in case he had to shove all the feelings back inside. 

”Did you really think I wanted to say goodbye to you back then?” Niall asked making it a little bit easier for Harry, who started look like he was going to panic soon. 

”Yeah”, Harry said then, and locked his own hands together on the table. ”I really thought that”, he said and looked Niall deep in the eyes. 

”What about you?” Niall asked and still kept the stern face. ”After all you were the one who said it was the last night, the goodbye”, Niall continued still feeling betrayed by how things went down that night. 

Harry looked a little bit helpless and also insecure. God help Niall, if Harry would tell him that was right, that he felt as he had led him to believe that night. Just when Niall has started to come to terms with it, Harry had called and made Niall wonder ’what if’. So no, Niall really didn’t know how he would feel about Harry if he now would crush his hopes and feelings once more.

”I only said it because I thought you had invited me there to properly say goodbye”, Harry spoke eyes on his hands. For a moment he looked so innocent and young, with the new short hair which wasn’t curled because it was still too short, and with the shameful expression. He really looked like he meant it.

”Invited you?” Niall asked a bit harshly, making Harry glance at him in surprised. ”It was both of ours room! Why would I be ’inviting’ you to your own room for some special goodbye?” Niall spoke angrily, making Harry grip his own hands tighter. Niall knew Harry didn’t handle it well when Niall was anything but happy and chirpy. Sadness was okay, ’cause Harry knew how to sooth Niall, but angry or irritated was the worst, ’cause it made Harry feel helpless, not knowing what he could do to make Niall calm down and feel better. 

”I just wanted to be with you ’cause I was a bit down from saying goodbye to everyone. I wanted to be with you and talk about how would we manage it, me coming to LA, and you maybe coming to London for time to time. But no, you had decided for me that it was done. Over”, Niall talked keeping his voice down even when he wanted to yell. 

Harry didn’t look at Niall, just stared into his hands and Niall knew he was on edge of crying, and it made Niall’s heart ache. But he didn’t give in to the urge to sooth Harry, put a hand on his hands and assure him everything was okay. ’Cause it sure wasn’t. On the other hand Niall would’ve wanted to keep on ranting, tell Harry how he broke his heart. How best mates can break your heart too.

But that would’ve been too cruel. Even if it was true.

”I didn’t know that was what you wanted…” Harry said finally, voice almost too quiet. Still he didn’t look at Niall and missed his long hair more than ever, when it could’ve given him the needed shelter from Niall’s angry eyes. He wanted to say ’I’m sorry’ so bad, but knew he’s voice would break on the way and this wasn’t the place to be crying. The conversation was already looking too intense for bystanders so if he would start crying or something, it would definitely make a scene.

”Does your offer still stand then?” Niall voice asked suddenly, making Harry finally lift his gaze. ”What offer?” Harry asked even though he was already starting to get an idea what Niall might have been meaning.

”What you wanted that night?” Niall asked eyes still hard and cold, making Harry shiver. Niall had looked at Harry like this only that time, when he thought Harry had had sex with the girl from the bar. But even then Niall had been angry and that already told that he cared, it meant something. Now Niall was almost unrecognizable. Like there was nothing left from that friendship, care and love that Harry believed Niall had felt for him. Was their friendship over? Just like this? Was it all already gone?

With the thought of Niall getting up and just leaving, leaving like this, leaving things like this between them, Harry answered: ”Yes, it does”. Panicking like that night, wanting anything he just could get from Niall. Anything, anything…

”Should we get the check then?” Niall asked with the same stone hard face that made Harry anxious. Before Harry could react, Niall had waved for the waitress to bring the check. Niall paid everything and Harry didn’t even have the time to argue back, when Niall was already pulling his jacket on. And, oh how Harry hoped Niall wouldn’t be looking as amazing as he did, so handsome and mature, especially with the stern look on his face, which didn’t please Harry in other ways.

Niall had called them a car and when they got out, it was already waiting. Harry couldn’t do or say anything, he just went along Niall and sat on the car. Niall told the driver to drive them to Niall’s place, making Harry’s heart flip. 

Were they really going to do what Niall had been applying? Was this situation really going to escalate to that? After so many months were they really going to fall back to the old ways - and more?

Harry was still so amazed that they had all together addressed the topic, when they had never talked about it before. Suddenly it was all in the open and they had really talked about it, at least Niall had. And Harry was astonished from all the new information, but Niall wasn’t giving Harry any time to process it. Just taking him home and probably having his way with Harry. Like always.

 

\--

 

Niall walked to the kitchen of his house even though it had crossed Harry mind that he might take them straight to the bedroom. Instead Niall took out two wine glasses and poured them some white wine, before handing the other glass for Harry. Then Niall leaned to the counter and looked at Harry, who stood in the middle of the kitchen like a lost puppy. 

For a moment Niall looked stiff and glared Harry from under his eyebrows, before sighing deep and letting his shoulders relax with the movement. Then he placed the glass on the counter next to him and walked to Harry, but now his face had started to soften down. 

”Everything okay?” Niall asked as he reached Harry and placed his hand on Harry’s arm. Harry wanted to say that everything was okay, it was good, but the words didn’t want to come out. He had been able to hold himself together just barely when Niall was being all cold to him, but now when he finally let the stone mask fall off and came to him as the Niall Harry knew, Niall who Harry loved, Harry wasn’t sure if he could take it. 

”I’m sorry, okay?” Niall said silently and moved his thumb soothingly on Harry’s arm, lifting his free hand to Harry’s other arm, trying to find Harry’s gaze. In a moment Harry was able to lift his eyes and meet Niall, who was so close that it was making Harry’s breathing harder. It had been… Almost half a year since he had been this close to Niall the last time.

”I shouldn’t have been so cold. And rude”, Niall spoke and took another step closer that their shoes were touching. ”It’s me… Everything’s okay, so don’t be so anxious anymore”, Niall spoke and pressed their foreheads together, making Harry let out a long breath, that he didn’t notice he was holding. 

”Niall…” Harry whispered and on their own his hands found their way on Niall’s waist. ”I’ve missed you so much”, he said hastily, like fearing the cold Niall would soon be back, and if there was something he wanted to say to his Niall, he had to say it now. ”So much”.

”I’ve missed you too”, Niall said and finally Harry saw a small and content smile on Niall’s face. ”Fuck, Niall, I…” Harry breathed out before crashing his lips on Niall’s, making him take few quick steps back, as, Harry was pushing on him in such a force, he would’ve fallen over otherwise.

They wound up on the other side of the kitchen Niall against the counter, still holding Harry by his biceps and Harry pressing himself on Niall and kissing him like this was his only chance. Harry hardly managed to get the wine glass on the counter without spilling it before cupping Niall’s face in his hands. Niall was clearly surprised but responded to Harry’s kisses, like there hadn’t been a day since he parted from them.

Suddenly all the anxiousness and nervousness fell away and Harry was full of want and neediness, as if all the feelings he had been suppressing were coming out. He wanted Niall like nothing else and there he was, kissing him like before, letting Harry press himself against him, not pushing him away. Just kissing him back like there was nothing else in this world concerning them. At least for now.

Harry’s leg found it’s way between Niall’s legs, getting a moan out of Niall when Harry grinded himself against Niall’s crotch. The moan made Harry kiss Niall even more hungrily, soon moving to Niall’s jaw and neck, wrapping Niall almost too tightly in his arms by the waist. 

”Harry”, Niall said, but it wasn’t a moan or sigh, it was a call, making Harry stop what he was doing for a second. Niall looked a little bit out of it, but seemed to get a clearer head when he pushed Harry further from him.

And the rejection hit Harry as bad as it had been on that day at the hotel, no, worse than that. Niall had himself asked for this and now he was again casting him aside. Harry knew he couldn’t have changed his mind. 

”Bedroom”, Niall said then and took Harry by the hand, leading them straight out of the kitchen. It was like Harry’s heart had stopped and now it was beating again, just following Niall as always. Ready to do anything Niall wanted him to do. You-jump-I-jump kind of way. 

When they finally got to Niall’s bedroom, Niall took the lead taking Harry’s face into his hands and pulling him onto his lips again. Harry couldn’t do more than just enjoy the ride. It didn’t take long until Niall had pulled both of their shirt off and pushed Harry to the bed. Niall didn’t even address his lips again, going straight to Harry’s jeans, opening them and pulling them off. In no time Niall was down on Harry, wrapping his lips around Harry’s dick, making him whimper Niall’s name.

Harry was so swept away with what Niall was doing to him that he almost forgot what Niall was supposed to be doing to him. Harry stopped Niall by brushing his fingers through Niall’s hair, forcing him off from Harry’s dick. Harry couldn’t help feeling disappointed even though he was the one making Niall stop.

”If you keep on going, I’m going to…” Harry panted and massaged Niall’s scalp to distract Niall from going straight back. ”Don’t worry, it’s fine, you can come”, Niall said and tried to go down again, but Harry stopped him by grabbing Niall’s hair, causing Niall to let out a small whimper when Harry tugged his hair quite hard by accident. Niall looked at Harry with dark eyes and there was no question if that was a thing for Niall or not. And knowing that made Harry almost come before Niall had even got his lips back on Harry’s dick again. 

”But… You were…” Harry uttered between Niall’s blows, sighing with disappointment when Niall again parted from his cock. ”Don’t worry, we have time”, Niall said and ended the conversation. 

Even though Niall had been getting himself off a bit on the same time when blowing Harry, he wasn’t nearly done when Harry was already coming. Harry was still getting down from his high, when Niall made a threatening move to getting out of the bed, so Harry grabbed his arm and made him lay beside him. Harry turned on his side, and Niall did the same, so they were face to face. Niall’s look was suspicious, as he probably knew how exhausted Harry must’ve felt that moment, but didn’t stop Harry when he started to wank Niall off first slowly, and quickening the pace as he started to recover from his own orgasm. 

Niall pressed his forehead against Harry’s and as his breath started to hitch he moved his hands to Harry’s neck and his short hair. Niall only tightened his grip on Harry’s hair as he was close on coming, but Harry didn’t mind. He liked it, actually he loved it, how Niall held on to him like he could be backing away in any moment. It made it all feel more real. That it wasn’t just a wet dream, Harry reminiscing their tour days. 

No, Niall was really there, coming on his stomach and clinging on Harry like never before. 

 

After Niall was done, Harry quickly wiped them clean on the sheets, reminding himself to tell Niall to change them when he got around to it. Niall looked so blissful as he laid there, making sure his hand touched some part of Harry all the time, even when Harry was moving around, cleaning them. 

For a moment Harry was unsure if he should lay back down, but decided to take the risk and wrapped his hand around Niall. First only one and then the other, when Niall responded to his touch by curling against his chest like it was the most natural thing to do. 

”You stay the night, right?” Niall asked before drifting off to sleep. The question made Harry’s heart race once more and then swell in relief. ”If you just want me to, yes”, Harry said quietly and stroked Niall’s back slowly.

”Yeah”, Niall answered and rubbed Harry’s scalp for a moment for assurance, before drifting into peaceful slumber. Harry was relieved, and content and… Happy. But he was also scared and concerned. The same old worry of Niall being gone from his arms by the morning, was making it’s home into Harry’s mind again. Making Harry tighten his grip around Niall, as if maybe this time it would keep Niall there, in his arms, where he so well seamed to fit. 

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wuuuuh... Sorry about the pause, I was traveling so couldn't add chapters. 
> 
> Again, tell me opinions :)


	7. Taste that your lips allow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”You could come here after you’re done for the day”, Niall continued and looked amazing, leaning on the door frame and looking at Harry with a small calm smile on his face. It bothered Harry, ’cause Niall’s smile was hardly never calm, when he was smiling at Harry. Usually it was a full on grin or something. Not this calm smile which covered everything else up.

Chapter 7

 

Harry woke up during the night and as relieved as he was that Niall was still pressed against his back, he finally understood Niall about his nightly escaping. Harry found himself wanting to sneak out and leave the room, leave the house. Not because he wanted to leave from Niall’s side, no, never, but he didn’t know if he could take what was coming in the morning. 

They had kissed, they had returned to the same pattern that became familiar on the tour, but they weren’t on the tour and Harry was going back to LA after tomorrow, so what would become of this? Would Niall want him to leave in the morning as if nothing happened, or would he cuddle closer and kiss his neck? 

And above all, did Niall still feel the same as he had apparently felt at the end of the tour. Did he still want to talk about how could they manage to see each other, or was that a lost hope? It had been half a year, after all. Even though Harry’s feelings and thoughts hadn’t changed much, it didn’t mean Niall’s hadn’t. Niall might have wanted to keep on seeing Harry half a year ago, but what about now? Was this another goodbye, or was this a another chance to make the past mistakes right?

Harry wanted to run from all the questions and possible pain facing him in the morning, but he didn’t. He stayed there in Niall’s arms and hoped for the best. ’Cause leaving was something he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself - and neither would Niall probably - if Harry would sneak out and leave it all hanging. That would be it. And Harry didn’t want anything else more than it not to be over. To keep it - whatever that there was happening - going. Keep Niall in his life in some other way than just a band mate. More than just a friend. 

 

\---

 

Harry felt shivers going through his spine when he realized in the morning that Niall wasn’t pressed against him anymore. It all felt too familiar to the tour mornings and Harry hated it how he had to slowly pick himself up and look to the other side of the bed, which was of course empty. For a moment Harry wanted to cry. It was all just too confusing and too frustrating and too disappointing. But Harry couldn’t walk away from it either. That’s how it had always been with Niall - no matter how uncomfortable it was, or how hurt Harry might end up, he couldn’t make himself walk away from Niall. Well except that one time and it turned out to be a big mistake. And apparently he was still paying for it. Big time.

Just when Harry was about to bury his face into the pillow and maybe let out just few tears the door opened and Niall walked in, hair all messy and wearing just some sport shorts and a saggy t shirt.  
Niall stopped in the middle of the room when he met Harry’s eyes, first being surprised then eyes turning into concern. 

”What is it?” Niall asked and walked straight to the bed, leaving the two coffee mugs on the night stand before getting on the bed, sitting next to Harry, legs crossed. 

”Nothing”, Harry hurried to say, still looking at Niall, like trying to decide what to think. How absurdly normal it felt for Niall to bring him coffee and make sure he was okay. Like they would be on sync again. ”You looked upset”, Niall said and lifted his hand, but stopped himself from touching Harry in the mid way, turning to reach for the coffee instead. 

”No, I just…” Harry started, taking the mug Niall offered and leaning on his elbow. ”I thought you’d left”, Harry admitted and glanced at Niall, who looked at him with big unbelieving eyes. 

”What a guest host would I be, if I left you alone here?” Niall laughed jokingly, but carefully touched Harry’s arm, when it didn’t seem to cheer him up. ”I must’ve traumatized you with the way I always left before you woke up, huh?” Niall said, with a half grin, joking, but there was a truth behind it. Harry finally smiled a little bit and let some of the anxiousness fall from his shoulders. 

”You have no idea”, Harry said with a half smile, making Niall laugh a little an then brush his hand along Harry’s cheek and the hair on his neck. It was clearly a moment for a kiss and both of them felt it, but neither of them moved to go through with it. But it was fine I guess, at least for once they both saw that the other one wanted it too. 

”You have plans today?” Niall asked then, leaving his hand on Harry’s shoulder. ”Yeah I’m going to see some people for lunch and then have a video meeting about the movie. Pretty busy day, actually”, Harry said apologizing, regretting of making so many plans, but he really didn’t have an idea that things would turn out his way. He hoped, but didn’t believe it. And he had not wanted to be left without any plans if Niall wouldn’t have wanted to see him, or if the meeting would’ve gone south. 

Niall on the other hand didn’t seem to be disappointed or unhappy at all, making Harry frown. ”Okay. I can call a driver for you for the day?” Niall asked still smiling and slowly soothing Harry with his thumb. ”No, I have that covered, thanks though”, Harry said and lowered his gaze to his coffee. 

”What time is it?” Harry asked then and started to get up even though it meant for Niall’s arm to fall off of his shoulder. ”Around eight”, Niall answered and looked too calm compared to how Harry was feeling. 

”Guess I’ll be going then…” Harry said and got up from the bed, only then realizing he was still naked. With blushing cheeks he picked his boxers from the floor and put them on quickly, finding Niall grinning on the bed. 

”What?” Harry claimed and hoped his cheeks wouldn’t look as red as they felt.

”I didn’t say anything”, Niall laughed and lifted his hands as a surrender. ”Just admired the view”, he added and looked away as if he had commented about the weather. Harry just rolled his eyes and put his jeans on.

”You don’t have time to have breakfast with me?” Niall asked then and got up too. Harry studied Niall’s expression but it was like a mask, not giving anything more than the small smile that was clued to Niall’s lips. Harry wanted to kiss them senseless so he would get another reaction out of him, surprise, want, anything…

”I have”, Harry said while buttoning his shirt up. ”Do you want to go out, or will you prepare me a romantic breakfast down stairs?” Harry asked and grinned, eyes teasing, hoping his insecurity wouldn’t show through.

”It has been ready since I came up to wake you”, Niall said with a grin, answering to Harry’s teasing just the way Harry had hoped. Making Harry want to drag Niall back to the bed and make them both forget all about the breakfast. 

 

\---

 

After the breakfast and some meaningless chatting, Niall escorted Harry to the door and Harry was buzzing with the anxiousness about how they still hadn’t addressed anything said or done the night before. It was only when Harry had his hand on the knob of the door, when Niall spoke up:

”You have place for the night already?” making Harry turn to him, with brows high.

”You could come here after you’re down for the day”, Niall continued and looked amazing, leaning on the door frame and looking at Harry with a small calm smile on his face. It bothered Harry, ’cause Niall’s smile was hardly never calm, when he was smiling at Harry. Usually it was a full on grin or something. Not this calm smile which covered everything else up. 

”Yeah?” Harry asked and tried to see beneath the mask of calmness. ”Yep. I didn’t really have the chance to ask how busy your schedule will be in the future”, Niall said grinning, but only then Harry managed to see just a bit of uncertainty in Niall’s eyes. Harry would’ve wanted to lean in and kiss Niall, if not for other reason then for the fact that he was the braver one of them, having the nerve to say out loud what Harry had been thinking whole morning. 

”Yeah we definitely have to go through our schedules”, Harry said and smiled crookedly, making Niall grin wider. ”I’ll see you in the evening then?” Niall smiled, now with the big smile, when all of his teeth were showing. 

”See you then”, Harry said suppressing the urge to kiss Niall once again, forcing himself open the door even though all he wanted was to blow everyone else off and spend the day with Niall. To continue everything that was left off the night before…

 

\---

 

”I’m on my way, pet, don’t get anxious”, Niall talked on the phone and tried to get out of the building as fast as he could. ”You should’ve given me a spear key or something, so I could let myself in, if you knew you would be out so late”, Harry whined, making Niall’s heart swell with fondness. It almost felt like there hadn’t been all these months between them when they didn’t see each other or talk. 

”Well I’ll give you a spear key in the future then”, Niall sighed and only then realized how they were already talking about the future like it was a done deal, like it was already settled that they would see each other, apparently continue this whatever they had going on between them. For a moment it felt like they were already more than he had even dared to hope. As if getting Niall’s spear key would be the most natural thing to do at the point. 

Harry just let out a satisfied hum and rang off once Niall assured he was on the car on his way to the house.

 

\---

 

Niall let them in and went straight to the kitchen to make them some tea. 

”So how was your day? Busy?” Niall asked as Harry jumped to sit on the counter. ”Busy, yeah”, Harry sighed and swat his hand to let Niall know he didn’t want to talk about it. ”Yours?” he asked keeping eye on Niall’s hands as he was making the tea.

”I didn’t have that many things on my plate, but we didn’t get through with them in time”, Niall explained. ”Yeah, I noticed”, Harry said rolling his eyes, but smiling then. 

”Thanks”, Harry said as Niall gave him the cup of tea. Niall leaned on the counter next to Harry and for a while they just studied each others faces not really wanting to talk about how the day went or anything else like that. 

Silently they drank their tea, until Harry put his cup down and looked at Niall with determination but also pleading in his eyes. ”Come here”, he said, but it came out as an question, but Niall obeyed immediately despite Harry’s insecure tone. Niall moved himself between Harry’s knees and put his cup down, letting his hands rest on Harry’s laps. Harry lifted his arms on Niall’s shoulders and both of them smiled lightly to each other. 

”So you wanna do this? See each other more often?” Harry asked and tried to stay brave. ”’Cause I want to”, he added before he wouldn’t have the nerve anymore.

”Yeah”, Niall answered and looked to his own hands on Harry’s laps. ”We are both busy, we have a lot going on, I know it, but I still think we could find time for each other”, Niall said and stroked Harry’s leg with his thumb. ”So do I”, Harry said quietly, biting the inside of his lip to keep himself from kissing Niall. 

But when Niall lifted his eyes and looked at Harry with such content and hope in his eyes, Harry just couldn’t stop himself. If this would make Niall push him away again, then so be it. Harry couldn’t keep himself away, when all he wanted to was closer and closer to this boy. So Harry leaned down and met Niall’s lips, and Niall didn’t hesitate even for a second to respond to that.

It was a small and sweet kiss, and didn’t last long, but it was more than enough to make Harry happy. ”Wanted to do that all day…” Harry whispered before understanding to stop himself. Niall backed off a little bit so he could look Harry properly in the eyes, smiling crookedly, sweeping all the concerns of Niall rejecting him, away. Giving Harry the needed courage to lean in for another kiss. 

 

\--

 

”Haz, don’t be angry, okay? You got it wrong”, Niall said half laughing as Harry turned his back to Niall in the bed. Harry was pouting and offended and didn’t turn, even when Niall tried to pull him from his shoulder. After a moment of trying, Niall gave up and just curled against Harry’s back, wrapped his hands around Harry’s waist, making Harry’s stomach flip when he could feel Niall’s hard on pressed on his bum. 

”You are rejecting me, no I got it”, Harry said and was really confused, ’cause it had been Niall on the dinner who implied he wanted to put Harry’s offer to use. But when they were making out on the bed and after some hand jobs and else and Harry had turned them so that Harry was on his back and Niall on top of him, between his legs, Niall had just pulled himself off from Harry’s arms, and looked super awkward. He hadn’t had the time to say much, as he slowly moved to Harry’s side, to let Harry know they were clearly not going further than hand and blow jobs. 

”No I wasn’t”, Niall tried and kissed Harry’s neck, still with an full erection and totally on the mood, but guess it was only Harry who was ready to go further, to actually have sex. For a moment Harry wasn’t so sure anymore, if they were something more after all. It would be ridiculous, but possible, that Niall still thought them as just friends, who just helped each other out. 

”I just… I’d like you to do me”, Niall said into Harry’s neck, shyly smiling and hoping he hadn’t totally ruined the moment. Harry froze in Niall’s arms and it took surprisingly long for him to process Niall’s words. After understanding what Niall had said, he pulled himself out of Niall’s hug and turned to see Niall’s face. Which was adorably pink by the way…

”You want…” Harry started and first pointed himself and then Niall, who laughed shyly. ”Yeah”, he said and smiled crookedly and stroked his blond hair nervously. ”If you don’t want to, then of course…” Niall started, when Harry didn’t get any words out of himself.

”No, no…!” Harry breathed finally and shook his head in confusion. ”I just thought that you’ve never…” Harry talked and blushed too, making Niall relax a little bit. ”You really think I’m much more innocent than I really am”, Niall smiled and lifted his hand to Harry’s arm, to pull him gently his way, not wanting to force Harry, but guide him to the right direction when he would recover from his shock. 

Finally Harry let Niall lead him back laying down, next to Niall. Niall stroked Harry’s cheek and looked at Harry’s still surprised eyes, with light concern. ”I’m sorry, I didn’t want to confuse you, or weird you out or anything…” Niall spoke and almost hoped he would’ve just gone through with it, fucked Harry as he waited for him to do. 

”No, of course you’re not weirding me out, for gods sake. Making me jealousy, more likely”, Harry spoke and shook his head again and then leaning in for Niall’s touch on his face. Harry’s words however made Niall’s hand stop and make Niall look surprised in turn. Then Niall broke into a wide grin and before Harry could really register it, Niall had pushed Harry on his back and climbed on to his lap, legs on either side of Harry’s hips. 

”So you hoped I’d be a virgin and that eventually you could take it from me?” Niall asked with teasing grin on his lips and hands on Harry’s chest. ”Be my first?” Harry would’ve wanted to look away to hide how right Niall was, but he just couldn’t tear his eyes from the view before him, Niall naked on top of him, with such a cheeky smile, knowing Harry would fuck him soon. 

With a quick move, Harry flipped Niall on his back again, placing himself between Niall’s legs and pressing Niall’s hands against the mattress by taking a hold of Niall’s wrists. 

”Maybe…” Harry said quietly before lowering to kiss Niall’s neck and collarbone. 

”I’ve said you before, to stop treating me like such a virgin”, Niall said but his voice had lost all the pomposity, as Harry was licking his neck as a punishment for being so cheeky. 

”My bad…” Harry said as he lifted himself to look at Niall in the eyes before kissing his way into Niall’s mouth, getting a whimper out of Niall as a reward. 

 

Harry was nervous when he few moments later reached for the night stand, where Niall said he would find lube and a condom. He hadn’t really thought he would be the one topping and even though he usually was a top, this time it was making him a little bit nervous. But who knows, he might have been as nervous even when being a bottom. Maybe it was just because it was Niall there with him. He was going to have sex with Niall… Gosh.

”You okay?” Harry asked when he got one finger inside Niall. ”Still not a virgin”, Niall reminded, but lost the jokiness, as Harry frowned at him. ”I’m good, go on”, he said and nodded for Harry to continue. 

Harry was careful and opened Niall up frustratingly thoroughly and slow, considering how Niall was already whimpering and had precum leaking from his cock just after few moments of prepping. ”Harry, please…” Niall plead and squirmed around. ”I’m ready, okay?” he said and met Harry’s eyes, which studied Niall’s face to know if it was true or if Niall was just being too horny to care. 

”Harry, seriously” Niall sighed and reached for Harry’s shoulders, tugging them until Harry gave in, taking his fingers out, wiping them on the sheet and placing himself on top of Niall. ”Just don’t want to hurt you, this is kind of a big deal for me”, Harry said with a frown on his face, making Niall lift his hands on Harry’s face. ”I know, me too”, he said and pulled Harry in for a kiss. ”I appreciate that. But I’m okay and I want you”, he continued and kissed Harry every time he had enough time to between the words. ”Going crazy”, Niall sighed and let go off Harry’s face, relaxing himself against the pillows. 

”You look so damn pretty, Nialler”, Harry said after he straightened his back and admired Niall before him for a moment. Harry wasn’t sure if Niall would like called pretty, but he couldn’t stop himself from saying it. He almost added ’God, I love you’, but that he at least managed to keep in his mouth. Didn’t want to scare Niall away just when he got him where he had always wanted him.

To distract himself from saying ’I love you’, Harry concentrated on putting the condom on and lubing himself up. But when he started to push himself inside Niall, he had to literally bite his cheek to keep himself from declaring his love. Niall took him so well and looked more amazing than ever before, more sexy than anything Harry had ever seen. Nothing could compare to it. Nothing.

Harry let Niall adjust to the feeling, having to force himself to stay still, until Niall would give him a nod to assure it was okay to start moving. Harry’s head was already spinning from the tightness alone, but once he started to move he seriously questioned if anything had ever felt so good. Harry had thought about this, dreamt about this, but it didn’t make justice at all. Niall was so much more he had ever hoped for, but that was how it had always been. Niall being everything and more. So much it made Harry’s chest ache with love. 

”Fuck… Harry, I -”, Niall whimpered and squeezed the sheets in his fists, making the knuckles go white. Harry couldn’t keep the phase slow for many strokes longer, wanting so bad to just pound himself against Niall, who seemed to yearn for it the same. When Harry started to quicken the phase, Niall moaned hard as a thank you and clang on Harry’s shoulders, pulling him lower so that he could kiss him. 

”You’re the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen, Niall”, Harry spoke into Niall’s ear after few passionate kisses, making Niall whimper. ”Stop it, you’re making me come, if you keep - - on talking like that…” Niall groaned, but only making Harry move faster, placing his hands firmly on Niall’s hipbones and lifting Niall’s waist up for better access. ”God, Niall, come”, Harry breathed as Niall got himself off trying to match the phase Harry was fucking him. 

”You’re so fucking gorgeous… Fuck, baby, I -…” Harry didn’t get to the end of the sentence - luckily - before coming and the change of phase made also Niall run over the edge, causing Niall to throw his head beautifully against the pillows and let out the sweetest voices that Harry had ever heard.

For a long time they were just a hot mess, laying there pressed to each other, trying to catch their breaths. Eventually Niall stopped petting Harry’s back as a sign for him to move to the side. Lazily Harry took the condom off and threw it away somewhere after making sure it was tied. He would put it in to rubbish later. Now he couldn’t think of leaving Niall’s side. If he ever would…

 

\---

 

”So I’ll see you in LA next?” Harry made sure as they again stood before the front door the next morning. Harry about to get out and Niall leaning on the door frame, this time without a shirt making it really hard for Harry to not imagine how Niall looked like just few moment ago beneath him in the bed, craving for more. 

”Yep, will send you the flight info, once I know more”, Niall said and smiled contently. And no wonder when they had both been coming just a while ago. Harry couldn’t get over the fact how he never been so keen on morning sex, not liking it how many people became clingy in the morning when Harry mostly just wanted to get out, but now suddenly morning sex was his favourite - Niall all sleepy and hair messed up, open beneath him, ready to take anything Harry gave. 

”Okay”, Harry said, but didn’t turn to the door as he should’ve. Instead he took a step towards Niall and tried to find the right words for a moment. ”Can I kiss you?” he settled in the end, making Niall look little bit surprised and then just slightly amused, but most of all just fond of Harry’s expression and question.

”You don’t have to ask that”, Niall said smiling. ”You certainly wasn’t asking permission this morning”, he winked making it very hard for Harry not to drag Niall back to bed again. But Harry didn’t let Niall sweep him away in cheeky flirts, passing Harry’s insecurity about the matter.

”I know, but… It’s different during sex”, Harry said not knowing if it was a good idea to be bringing it up ’cause Harry would be greatly hurt if Niall would now say that it wasn’t okay. That kissing was only connected to the sex and messing around. That this was just sex. Not more.

”Of course it’s okay for you to kiss me, Harry”, Niall said then and looked a little bit vulnerable which Harry couldn’t quite understand. Then Niall reached out for Harry, Harry responding to the movement almost automatically by moving closer and meeting Niall’s touch half way. 

”Good”, Harry said quietly before leaning in to kiss Niall tenderly on the lips. It was nothing like any other kiss they had ever had. It wasn’t a hot kiss, a promise for sex or getting off, it wasn’t driven by want or lust. It was I-just-wanted-to-kiss-you-because-I-love-you kiss. And it meant the world to Harry ’cause for the first time he could really believe Niall having real feelings for him. There was no doubt, no question. Niall might not love him like Harry did already loved Niall, but there was something there. Niall absolutely felt something for Harry and that was enough. For now at least. 

”Bye”, Harry whispered against Niall’s lips and looked into the bright blue, feeling so hopeful that he didn’t even realize to be scared. 

 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it!


	8. I'll fight my corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you seeing anyone right now...? Or going on dates or something? I'm not going to be mad, I just want to know..." Harry talked hastily and glanced at Niall, but lowering his gaze shortly.

Chapter 8

 

”Hey”, Harry said behind the sunglasses and under the beanie. Niall moved quickly to the car and hopped on. They were lucky no one had noticed them. Harry was clearly tense and didn’t start any conversation, only asked how was the flight. Other wise he didn’t seem to be keen on talking and Niall knew better than to push it. Niall knew Harry but still he found himself wondering if Harry wasn’t happy for Niall’s arrival after all. Maybe something had changed.

They had been texting the past few weeks and Harry had seemed cheerful as ever, but now he made Niall think if he had read the messages all wrong. Maybe Harry had come to different mind about their situation and now felt aggravated for having to break it off face to face. 

”You okay?” Niall asked in the end, when they were waiting on traffic, Harry still just staring blankly ahead, making Niall too anxious. Niall braved himself to reach for Harry and touch his arm swiftly, catching Harry’s attention.

He didn’t flinch away from the touch, but did move his hand further away by taking the sunglasses off, making Niall’s chest ache little bit. He was already feeling embarrassed for being so excited of seeing Harry again, being able to kiss him once more, hug him, have sex with him… Now all that giddiness was slowly but surely draining away. 

”I need you to tell me if something isn’t okay with you, okay”, Harry responded, not looking at Niall, just staring ahead and seeming to feel extremely uncomfortable. ”I don’t want to find out about things, from social media. Twitter or something…” Harry said, making Niall finally understand what he was talking about. 

”I have told you about how some ’fans’ are. Being mean and abusive and all”, Niall said and reached for Harry again, but this time Harry pulled away and turned to look at Niall with unpleased eyes. ”I know that, but still”, he said clearly knowing how he didn’t really have a good base to be angry or hurt, but didn’t know how to express all his feelings other wise. ”You never mentioned nothing more. I would’ve liked to hear it from you, not reading your twitter that they ’keep you awake at night’ and all”, Harry talked and turned to look ahead again, when the cars finally started to move along. 

”Okay, fair enough”, Niall sighed not understanding how it was such a big deal for Harry. Sure he remembered how Harry had always been - well all the other lads - very protective of Niall, especially anything having to do with fans and how some of them really lost basic reasoning when they met them. Just seeing them as their idols, not normal human beings. Doing almost anything to just get the chance to touch them or have a picture with them. And how it was easy for some people to be mean, abusive and say all sorts of horrible things through internet.

”In the future I’ll call you before posting anything on twitter”, Niall joked, only getting unamused glare for himself. ”Okay, I’m sorry, yeah?”, Niall continued then and hoped they would be at Harry’s soon, so Harry would have to look at him face to face. ”I just didn’t think it like that”, he said and waited until Harry glanced at him.

”You shouldn’t be apologizing, you should be laying on my arms and letting me pet you until you feel better”, Harry said then, pouting but letting his shoulders relax, letting Niall know that the worst was over.

”You are treating me like most of the fans, as if I haven’t had anything like this happen to me before. Harry, I’m okay”, Niall laughed. ”You remember how things like this happened to all of us at some point and also then you noticed how I don’t need any babying, right?” Niall smiled, making Harry frown, knowing Niall was right. And probably he knew it already before this conversation, but just wanted to demonstrate his feelings by being a brat. He knew Niall knew how to handle these things and he really didn’t need anyone taking care of himself. 

”Or are you just trying to find an excuse for getting to cuddle me? ’Cause for that you don’t need any reason at all”, Niall joked, making Harry finally smile too, making it impossible to stay serious. He just smiled crookedly and rolled his eyes for Niall, but reached to touch his hand quickly. Hoping they would get to the house soon.

 

\---

 

The next weeks went past time to time either unbelievable fast or dreaddingly slow, Harry and Niall trying to make time for each other between everything else. The time they were together, went by in a blink of an eye and the time they were apart, working and being on the other side of the world of each other, went painfully slow. 

They didn’t have much time to talk on the phone, and when they would’ve had some time, the time difference made everything harder. But they kept on sending each other some messages during their days, just wanting to include each other in their day. Harry loved it and felt greatly proud for being important enough for Niall to tell him all kind of random stuff going on. Sending pictures. Saying good night. Sexting.

They weren’t able to see each other often, but when they found the time it was even sweeter because of the longing and waiting. They hadn’t fallen out of the sync and it all just seemed too simple between them. They were still best mates, but also more. They didn’t feel the need to address the subject as they both felt content with how the things were progressing. 

But there were still times when Harry doubted everything. Sometimes when it had been too long since they saw each other, starting to think if Niall wasn’t so keen on making time for him anymore. Or when he woke up alone, missing Niall and wondering if Niall felt the same in his own bed. Or if he was even alone when Harry wasn’t there. Harry did worry a lot. But almost never when he was with Niall. Then things always felt somehow simple and clear. They enjoyed each others company and that’s that. They loved to be with each other, mess around, joke, laugh, have deep conversations, kiss, have sex…

The doubts bothered Harry when he was in LA, and Niall in UK. When Niall hadn’t texted him in few days or when he read gossip about Niall having a dinner with some lady friend - again. First Harry was able to just push it away by thinking how many stories about them were just made up, not having much of an truth behind them. But when it had been almost three weeks since Harry had seen Niall and he yet again saw pictures of Niall having romantic dinner with some lady, whose name Harry pretended not to know, Harry felt so jealous he almost called Niall and accused him of… When yeah, nothing, ’cause Niall didn’t own Harry anything. It was Niall’s business if he was dating girls even when he was fucking his best friend at the same time. 

They hadn’t talked about it and Niall didn’t own Harry anything.

 

\---

 

"Niall", Harry said with a serious voice, when Niall was washing the dished after dinner. They hadn’t seen each other in over three weeks and as much as Harry just wanted to take Niall upstairs and kiss him senseless, he couldn’t ignore his jealousy anymore. "You are making me very jealous and I don't know what to do about it" Harry talked making Niall turn to look at him with surprise in his eyes. 

"How on earth I'd be making you jealousy?" Niall laughed jokingly, but didn't get how serious Harry was.

"I know I might not have the right, but I'm jealous of you very easily", Harry continued and suddenly Niall was getting kind of pissed off with the pouting expression. Here they were again. Niall doing everything Harry just asks of him. If Harry says jump, Niall probably would. And now Harry was like a child who gets annoyed when everything didn’t evolve around him. Harry just wanted Niall's hundred percent attention and was getting annoyed when he saw Niall being busy with his own life. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks and Harry had been distant the last half of it, probably just testing Niall, wanting him to run after him and make him beg for attention. 

"Yeah, it isn't your place", Niall said and met Harry with similar seriousness. Harry lowered his gaze, as being ashamed, but also... Hurt. "You can't expect me to just see you if your not willing to do the same for me", Niall stated, knowing he was being unfair. And probably just going to get himself hurt in the process. 

Harry looked confused and tried to study Niall's face for a second, then the expression on Harry’s face darkened.

"I don't even remember how it feels to have eyes for anyone else than you", Harry said and looked somehow defeated, but still looked Niall bravely in the eyes. 

Niall was speechless. He would've wanted Harry to walk to him, hug him, come closer, but Harry stayed away, just looked at Niall with bitterness in his eyes. As if it was all Niall’s fault.

"Well you are being jealous for nothing", Niall said finally when Harry clearly wasn't going to continue talking. "I don't have anything going on", he explained and couldn't watch Harry in the eyes any longer. "Other than with you..." he added, blushing for saying it out loud and also feeling embarrassed for being so weak and crumbling under Harry’s eyes like sand. Niall wanted to be carefree and not think about how he might be sharing Harry with someone else and that’s why he was getting annoyed with Harry being possessive. But it didn’t need other than few words and Harry’s pretty eyes, and Niall was defeated, not having any power to stand against Harry’s will. He couldn’t keep himself from saying everything Harry wanted to hear. 

"I promise you. And I need you to trust me when I say something like this to you", Niall spoke. "You are going to go crazy if you keep reading things and watching the pap pictures", Niall wasn't sure if he was talking about Harry being jealous anymore, it felt too far fetch, to be calming Harry about Niall having something going on with someone else. It was easier to talk about gossips and pap pictures all in general.

"So your not having a thing with what ever her name is..." Harry said quietly and looked embarrassed about asking, about being so insecure and having the need to ask. Niall was baffled. He had seen the pics of him and one of his lady friend with who he had been working on projects. But they had just laughed at them.

Was Harry actually worried Niall was seeing her..?

"No", Niall breathed out still letting it sink in that Harry wasn't joking. He actually was jealous. "No?" Harry asked and venturing to look at Niall, who had never even once thought Harry might read those things and actually almost believe them. If someone should know very few of them has anything real behind them, it should be Harry. 

"No", Niall said louder and shook his head. "You should know that almost everything they write is total bullshit", Niall said and couldn't take it anymore, when Harry bowed his head down, looking all ashamed and muttering "I know..."

Niall moved to where Harry was, leaning on the counter, looking at his shoes and touched Harry's hand carefully, as if wondering if it was okay. "I'm sorry", Harry said quietly and laced Niall's fingers with his own.

"Why are you apologizing? It's fine. I rather have you asking dumb things than thinking about those crazy thought of yours alone in your head", Niall spoke and wanted to tell Harry how much he loved him. But they were still quite new and they were clearly going to the right direction, if Harry was being jealous of Niall. Maybe Harry was getting some real feelings towards Niall and Niall didn't want to ruin it by jumping the gun, make Harry freak out by the sudden love declaration. 

Harry just held Niall's hand, not pulling Niall into a hug even though he very much looked like he wanted to. "Is there any other silly thoughts roaming in your head?" Niall asked as Harry moved his hands to the tail of Niall's shirt. 

"Well after that article I somehow got out of control and ended up googling all kind of stuff about you. So many things that I didn't know anything about. Even when I was spending all my days with you just half a year ago and..." Harry talked and looked lost.

"I have told you everything that is true and matters", Niall stopped him. "Please don't read those things anymore. If you are wondering something just ask me. And I really do tell you basically everything that goes on in my life. You are the first person I usually want to tell anything. So just ask if you are wondering something", Niall talked and moved his hands on Harry's waist. Harry still just played with Niall’s shirt and looked vulnerable, not having the nerve to look up to Niall. Harry kept silent for a while clearly gathering the courage or trying to find the words.

"Are you seeing anyone right now...? Or going on dates or something? I'm not going to be mad, I just want to know..." Harry talked hastily and glanced at Niall, but lowering his gaze shortly.

"Well I'd like to think I'm seeing you, but I don't know if that's what you think about this..." Niall spoke and blushed 'cause he had been thinking like that already some time. 

"No, I think like that too", Harry hurried to say, making Niall's heart calm down a bit. 

"So yeah, no I'm not seeing anyone else or going on dates, or even planning to do any of that. Don’t worry, I'm all yours", Niall spoke letting the last bit slip out as an accident. But it made Harry's eyes light up as he lifted his gaze to Niall's eyes from his shirt. 

"Nialler, I -", but he cut himself off by finally reaching for Niall, connecting their lips. " I -", he muttered, almost saying it. Almost telling Niall. Almost finally telling how he felt. 

But as always it was just an almost.

 

\--

 

Niall was sitting on a meeting when Harry texted him. Niall had been very busy with all the charity work and all the projects he had going on, and Harry with his movie, that they hadn’t seen each other in few weeks again. It had been easier for Harry to come to UK, when he was already travelling around so much, but Niall was being booked almost every time for something when Harry would’ve had the chance to come see him. They had been talking on the phone more, but it merely made both of them just more restless, just talking and not being able to see or touch the other person. 

”You have ruined me…” The text started, making Niall’s heart jump a little. He knew Harry was being just dramatic, but still Niall cared too much for Harry’s opinion, to just be cool about it. ”I feel like I can’t consecrate anymore. It has been too long since I saw you.. I don’t know how we managed to stay away from each other for months. Miss you”.

Niall tried to hide his smile and put his phone away so he could get back to listening what the other were talking, but after that it was very hard to put Harry off his mind. Luckily the meeting was the last thing Niall had on his plate for that day. He usually wasn’t so excited to get home and be alone, he liked to be busy - probably had something to do with touring and how he was just so used to be always on the move - but today he was extremely relieved once he got home and could lock himself in, take his phone out and call Harry. Hoping from the bottom of his heart, Harry could answer and would have even a minute or two to talk. Niall just needed to hear his voice.

”Babe…” Harry’s voice sighed on the other end and then there was all kinds of noise until it became quiet. Niall was too confused to make out anything of it so he just waited for Harry to speak again. 

”Please tell me you have time to talk and this is not one of those one minute quickies?” Harry asked with his deep voice, pleading, making Niall laugh in relief and with joy of Harry calling him ’babe’ on the phone even though he was clearly amongst people just moment ago.  
”I have the whole evening free, but you seem to be busy?” Niall said and laid down on the sofa. ”No, I’m actually good. Just hanging out on set, but they won’t need me in a while”, Harry spoke and was clearly sitting down himself too.

”I miss you, Ni”, Harry said after a small pause, making Niall’s stomach flip. Harry’s voice was so true and pleading that it made Niall want to step on a plane and fly to France, where Harry was still filming. ”I miss you too”, Niall said quietly and played with the tail of his shirt, now being relieved Harry couldn’t see him, for the blush that was creeping on his cheeks. 

”I’m so glad we are going to film in UK, after Netherlands, too. Then I think it will be easier for us to meet”, Harry wondered out loud, making Niall smile for how Harry was so certain they were still going to be them in the future. Seeing each other, just the two of them. Almost like lovers. ”No more these horribly long weeks of pain and suffering”, Harry sighed dramatically, making Niall laugh at the exaggeration. 

”You’re still having fun though?” Niall asked and leaned his head to the back of the sofa and closed his eyes, imaging it was Harry he was leaning on. 

”Yep. Lots”, Harry said with smile in his voice. ”It’s so exciting. Everything’s so cool and… I don’t know. I’m enjoying it so much. Just wish you’d be here”, Harry spoke, making Niall frown a little. It would’ve been so easy to just let himself to be swept away with the moment and with the words and with Harry’s sweet and calming voice. Niall could’ve so easily made himself believe that they were lovers and Harry was really missing him as much as Niall was missing him. That he loved him as Niall loved Harry. 

”I thought this would’ve helped”, Niall laughed joylessly, making Harry a bit nervous on the other end of the line, thinking if he had crossed a line or something - saying things that made Niall uncomfortable. ”But I just ended up missing you more”, Niall ended the sentence and sighed deeply. Harry was silent on the other end for a while before responding:

”It’s going to get better. I promise you. I’ll be closer and will be able to come see you easier”. He seemed to be worried as if he had to convince Niall to continue their thing as it was. ”I know, I hope so”, Niall said and tried to smile through the sudden tiredness that had came over him. 

”I promise it will”, Harry whispered and wanted nothing more than to be able to just touch Niall and see his face to make sure he believed Harry. That he wasn’t getting tired of it, wanting to give up. 

Getting tired of Harry. 

 

\---

 

”You are so beautiful”, Harry said to the computer watching Niall from the screen as they were having a skype chat. 

”Shut up”, Niall mumbled and sat down so Harry would see only his face and part of his torso, covering up the rest of his body which was other wise naked besides the towel on Niall’s waste. 

”Would you get yourself off for me?” Harry asked then even though he knew Niall would get embarrassed. Niall let out a surprised sound before snorting at Harry’s question. ”No way”, he croaked and shook his head in disbelief. 

”What about on the phone? If we just talk on the phone and lay on the bed and…” Harry swayed knowing the skype sex would have to wait for some other time, when Niall would be more used to the idea.

"Yeah, whatever", Niall said, while going through something on his phone as if he wasn't paying attention, but Harry knew he had heard him loud and clear. "Will call you in a sec", Harry called out and send few kisses to the camera, before ringing off. 

Niall made him wait a while before answering, just hoping not so seem too eager. "You in bed?" Harry asked, being on the bed himself kicking off his boxers. "I'm naked already", Harry said proudly, but getting a quiet whimper as a response, throwing Harry off for a second. 

"Oh baby, you were faster than me, huh?" Harry talked after realizing it didn't take a while for Niall to answer because he didn't want to seem too eager, it was because eager was exactly what he was. 

"Eager much?" Harry teased taking his dick on his hand, hissing for the friction. "Shut up", Niall mumbled. "You were the one who suggested we would watch each other get off", he continued with blaming voice, making Harry just smile wider. 

"I would've probably done it, you know? If you hadn't given up so easily", Niall continued, making Harry's cock twitch in his hand. Only the thought of Niall getting himself off for him in front of a camera, was making him almost run over the edge.

"Let's go back. Please baby", Harry begged, knowing it was a waste. 

"No, you stay there and wank yourself of only imagining me, as you wanted", Niall said with a firm voice, telling Harry what to do and making Harry whine in mix of pain and pleasure. 

"Ni you are so damn gorgeous, so beautiful", Harry mumbled under his breath, knowing he was close. "You don't even see me", Niall stated calmly, but could hear that Niall wasn't far either. "I've seen you coming enough times to know you're the pretties thing ever", Harry talked, knowing how all the praises maid Niall run over the edge.

"Harry..." Niall gasped before coming, making Harry come too with the image of Niall getting himself of and coming with Harry's name on his lips. 

Harry didn't want that to change. Ever.

 

\---

 

Harry had really thought it would’ve gotten better and it would’ve been easier to see each other once Harry was filming in UK couple of moths later. Till then they had settled for seeing any once in a while for a night or at the best times two. It wasn’t enough, but neither of them wanted to give up either. 

When Harry was filming in UK it wasn’t because of Harry that they didn’t see each other, he did have more time to travel around, seeing his family and friends. It was Niall who was so busy, or making himself so busy that they hardly had time to meet. And it was making Harry restless, knowing something was up, that Niall was distancing himself from Harry on purpose. 

”What about next week?” Harry asked on the phone and tried to stay calm and not let his irritation sound through. ”I don’t know Harry… I’m kind of busy right now and I don’t…” Niall was talking half- heartedly as if he wasn’t even listening to what Harry was saying. Once again. This must’ve been the fifth time Harry was trying to get something out of Niall and leaving without results of course.

”Should we drop it entirely then?” Harry snapped and pinched the bridge of his nose, dreading how it went to this after all. It became quiet on the other end, as if Niall would’ve finally stopped whatever he was doing and concentrated on listening. 

”What do you mean?” Niall asked with a quiet voice, making Harry want to take it all back. He didn’t want to go here, he didn’t want to make any ultimatums, but he couldn’t go on like this either, always being worried if Niall still wanted him or not. It Niall had lost his interest already. 

”That maybe we should stop trying to see each other when it seems so be so damn hard”, Harry said with a strong voice even when he only wanted to get Niall to ask him to come see him, and he would’ve been running to the airport already. ”It seems like you just don’t want to make time for me and I can’t take this, always wondering if you have gotten tired of me or if you really are too busy”, Harry talked, losing the strength in his voice. 

”I haven’t gotten tired of you”, Niall said only and cursed by himself because of the irritation for Harry even thinking like that. 

”Then what is it? Have I done something wrong?” Harry asked and hated that they were talking about this on the phone and not face to face. 

”No, you haven’t done anything, Harry”, Niall said. ”It’s about me”, he continued, making Harry pinch his eyes closed, ’cause the last thing he wanted to hear was the infamous ’it’s not you, it’s me’.

”I just don’t know if I can take this after all”, he sighed, making Harry’s heart pound like crazy and throat go all dry. ”You wanna break up?” slipped from Harry’s mouth before he could think it through. 

”Is there anything to break up from, Harry? Huh?” Niall asked raising his voice, getting slightly angry. ”I can’t take it being with some one, but not really being together. I can’t take it how I don’t know if you are just messing around and I really have no idea what you are doing out there or what do you think about this. Or me. I just can’t afford to get my heart broken by you again, Harry”, Niall spoke, the anger fleeting away by the end. 

”You have no idea how hard the last time was”, Niall almost whispered, while Harry tried to find his voice and his words. Never had he thought Niall was thinking like this. Feeling like this. ”So can you please give me time to figure myself out?” Niall asked and was clearly about the end the phone conversation.

”No”, Harry said, before thinking again, but he just couldn’t let Niall go like this. He wouldn’t be able to breath normally if they would leave things like that. Niall revealing that Harry had broken his heart, pointing that Niall’s feelings might’ve been much deeper than Harry had thought and then just ending the conversation, leaving Harry alone with his thoughts.

”I want to see you”, Harry said, making Niall snort annoyingly. ”Once again, we have to do like you want. You can never give me anything that I want. It’s always me who has to bend until I break, for you”, Niall spat out, making shivers go down Harry’s spine, ’cause of the harsh words.

”You aren’t the only one who has been left broken from all of this, you know”, Harry stated, getting annoyed with Niall’s act, like he was the only one who ever felt anything. Like he was the only one who had gotten hurt. ”I guess you don’t even understand how hurtful it is, when you say how I’m just messing around and I’m just playing, as if I wouldn’t have feelings”, Harry talked, hoping this wouldn’t be the end to all of this. He would need much more time than little over half a year to get over Niall this time and be able to get back to touring with him, if this was the end. 

”If someone then you should know that I’m not like the press likes to paint me, womanizer or something. I do mess around with you, because that’s what we do as best friends. We always goof around, but I don’t go kissing and fucking my best friend just for fun. So if you are implying that it doesn’t mean something to me, then you are so wrong”, Harry spoke, not having a single idea if he would regret this or be thankful of saying this later on.

”So yes, I want to see you and I want to really talk about this. I’m sick of it how you think all this by yourself without including me in anything. Thinking you are the only one who feels anything. As if this all would be easy for me”, Harry talked, really hoping he wouldn’t get a broken heart from all of this. The line stayed silent long enough for Harry to get scared that Niall had hung up on him in the middle of his confessions.

”Well what do you have tomorrow?” Niall said then, clearly irritated of the situation. ”Works for me, I can fly out tonight if you want”, Harry responded, partly happy that they would get to talk about this so soon and not having to wait in agony for days until things would get cleared out, but partly he was angry ’cause he had just been asking when could they be able to meet and Niall had been saying this week wasn’t good, and now it suddenly was. 

”Will be late tonight, but I’ll make it work. Send me the info and I’ll send someone to pick you up from the airport”, Niall said in monotonic voice, making it impossible to figure out what he was thinking. 

”See you tonight then”, Harry said, meaning it as a question, but Niall had ringed off before Harry got to the end. 

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning was a bit shitty, but hopefully you liked it otherwise. :)


	9. Give me love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”I know I might be only breaking my own heart by this, but I need to know so that I can start putting myself back together again”, Harry spoke, never being as terrified as in that moment. It all felt like too much.
> 
> "Do you love me, Niall?"

Chapter 9

 

There was a car waiting for Harry, as Niall had said even though he hadn't answered to Harry's text about the flight information. The driver took Harry to Niall's house and Harry let himself in to the empty house with his spear key. Harry called for Niall in hope he would be home already, but of course he wasn't. He had said it would be late. 

So Harry put his bag down on the bottom of the stairs and went to make some tea for himself. Maybe that would calm him down even a little. It had been just few hours since the call, but Harry had had more than enough time to drive himself crazy. He fought between thoughts of either Niall had strong feelings for him and was afraid of Harry hurting him - apparently again - or then Harry had got it all wrong and it was just too much for Niall and he didn't want all this anymore. 

When sitting alone in the kitchen became unbearable Harry made his way upstairs with the tea cup in his hands. The house was silent and for the first time Harry didn't feel comfortable there. With Niall around it had been one of Harry's favourite places. Felt like home, but now, without Niall, it just felt like an empty house. 

Harry walked to Niall's bedroom where he had spend many nights during the past half a year, but now he felt like a trespasser. With Niall, Harry would've already thrown himself on the bed, but now he didn't know if it was okay to touch anything. 

Niall was his best friend, he wouldn't mind Harry being in his room and maybe looking around. 

Best friend... 

Harry thought about Niall he definitely didn't see just a best friend. He saw the man he loved. But what did Niall see? 

When Harry started to think about everything, trying to leave his own feelings aside and just see Niall as an individual and how he acted towards Harry, it was clear he cared a lot about Harry. Loved him. But in what way that was the question. 

Could Harry have been so utterly blind, that he hadn't seen Niall loving him all this time? Niall hadn’t wanted it to end after touring. And he wanted to continue even after Harry had walked away and they hadn't seen each other in months. If it had been just fucking around, not meaning much, would he had wanted to continue it. Either way had it been a good idea to mess around with your best friend and band mate if he wouldn't have had feelings for Harry? 

What if Harry had been so blinded by his own fear of getting hurt and being so distracted just worrying about his own feelings that he didn't realize to look up and see if maybe Niall was feeling the same. Maybe...

Harry flinched when he heard the door open and close downstairs. 

"Harry?" Niall called with quiet voice as believing that Harry might not be there. Harry almost ran to the stairs and hopped them down, looking at Niall the whole time. Harry's heart was pounding and the blood in his veins was making so much noise that he had trouble hearing anything else. 

"I'm sorry", was the first thing that came out of Harry's mouth even though he would've wanted to say I love you. He walked straight to Niall and closed him into his arms. Niall responded by wrapping his hands loosely on Harry's waist and resting his cheek on Harry's shoulder. 

"I'm sorry for pressuring you and coming here even when you wanted time to think", Harry said and tightened his grip around Niall. He didn't know what he would do if this would be the end. How badly it would ruin Harry if Niall wouldn't respond to his feelings. 

"And I'm so, so sorry for putting you in this position, but I just need to know", Harry talked being scared off how much he would regret this if things would go south. He pulled himself far enough to meet Niall's tired but waiting eyes. 

”I know I might be only breaking my own heart by this, but I need to know so that I can start putting myself back together again”, Harry spoke, never being as terrified as in that moment. It all felt like too much.

"Do you love me, Niall?" Harry asked, hands shaking on Niall's shoulders. Niall stared Harry in the eyes, but nothing in his expression changed. He looked older than normally, he looked tired and vulnerable, but trying to cover it the best he could. Niall was silent for a moment, maybe waiting if Harry would break into words again, but Harry kept his mouth pinched closed. 

"Yes", Niall let out with straight face and didn't look away, just stared at Harry, who was speechless for a second. 

"You love me?" Harry asked again, not being able to believe what he heard. He hadn’t hoped anything more than Niall to be saying exactly what he was saying, but still he couldn’t believe it.  
"Yes", Niall repeated with the stone face. 

"But like love love, not like friend love?" Harry detailed starting to wonder once again if Niall still cared about him just as a friend after all.

"Yes", Niall said yet again, starting to frown with irritation. 

"You really love me?" Harry blabbered, making Niall start to get properly annoyed. 

"Yes, Harry..." but before Niall could start ranting, Harry closed the space between their lips. For a while they just exchanged kisses, Harry extra eagerly giving them, Niall partly confused partly irritated responding to them. Harry didn't know how long he had been just kissing Niall, almost against his wish, well at least not giving Niall any chance to back away or push Harry away, until he realized he hadn't said anything himself. 

"I love you too", Harry breathed out as he gave them both time to catch their breaths. 

That’s when Niall's stone face finally started to crumble. "I love you so much, Niall. Have loved you since forever", Harry talked overwhelmed by the fact he was finally saying it out loud. Telling Niall he loved him, for real.

"So please don't break up with me.. Or would you please be my boyfriend first", Harry stumbled on his words, making Niall give out a disbelieving laugh. "I promise I'll give you time, it doesn't matter if we won't be able to see more, as long as you don't want to break up", Harry talked and kissed Niall, before he would be able to push him away. Harry was in some kind of shock, not really understanding if it all was really happening, almost missing how Niall seemed to be almost as baffled as Harry was. 

"Okay", Niall said then and finally smiled without any tension on his face.

"Yeah?" Harry asked. "Yeah", Niall smiled and looked Harry in the eyes for a moment before taking him by the hand leading him back up stairs. Harry was completely baffled and would've wanted Niall to just keep telling him he truly loved Harry, until Harry would get bored of it - which was never.

"Harry", Niall called him as they got to the bedroom making sure Harry was realizing what was happening. And as if Niall had said the words out loud Harry placed his hands on Niall's face and kissed him as Niall had wanted him to. Without a rush Niall tugged Harry's shirt off and next the jeans until Harry backed away enough to do the same for Niall. 

"Oh, Nialler... Fuck..." Harry mumbled closing Niall's perfect face into his hands again. "You are so perfect", Harry whispered before kissing Niall again and leading them to the bed. Harry placed himself on top of Niall and continued kissing Niall's lips, jaw, neck, everything. 

Not long after, Harry was prepping Niall and with only that Harry was already seeing stars. Just the sight of Niall squirming under him and knowing that boy loved him, truly loved Harry, was making Harry dizzy. Niall became inpatient soon, but Harry didn't let Niall's begs get to him, somehow it was even more important not to hurt him in anyway now that he knew their feelings were mutual. The knowledge of even being capable of hurting Niall was enough to make him careful. 

"Harry...!" Niall said annoyed and pushed Harry off of him. Niall was flushed and looked pissed off, which confused Harry 'cause this wasn't the outcome he wanted either. Niall sat up and with a quick movement he flipped Harry on his back and placed him on top of Harry, making Harry gasp his breath after he realized what Niall was up to.

"Niall..." Harry said and tried to take the lube and condom from Niall, but Niall snapped Harry's hand away. With swift moves Niall put the condom on Harry and lubed it up, before placing himself upon Harry's cock. 

"Niall, wait I can..." Harry started but was shut up when Niall started to drag himself down on Harry's throbbing cock. 

"Shut up and let me fuck my boyfriend", Niall said with firm face, making Harry moan loudly and throw his head into the pillows as Nial pushed himself all the way down.

"Baby..." Harry gasped and grabbed Niall's waist and pushed against it with his hips, getting a whimper out of Niall. But Niall didn't let Harry decide the pace, placing his own hands on Harry's abdomen to keep him grounded as he started to move slowly up and down. 

Harry was positive that he would go crazy if Niall would keep up the slow pace for much longer, but just before Harry was about to throw Niall on his back and fuck into him like never before, Niall slammed himself against Harry's hips with force. Then Niall dragged himself up crazily slow and slammed himself down again, doing this few times more, making Harry go mad. 

Then Niall moved his hands on the mattress each side of Harry's head, letting Harry move his hips again, meeting Niall's pace in the middle. Quickly they eased into a rhythm which would soon enough make them both run over the edge.

And as they did, they clang to each other and didn't let go even after the aftershock. Niall just laid on Harry's chest with his eyes closed, wondering if had ever felt so content and happy. "Baby..." Harry whispered to get Niall to look up and meet him for a kiss. Then they went to take a shower, still kissing each other almost constantly but not talking anymore. 

After the shower they curled next to each other on the bed, Niall closing Harry inside his arms. And that was it, the first time Harry wasn't afraid for Niall to be gone in the morning. Nope, he wasn't going to let that boy run away ever again. He was Harry's now. Till forever if it was up to Harry. 

 

\----

 

When Niall woke up the next morning he had to lay there for a long time and just stare at Harry’s sleeping face to understand that the last night really did happen. He was baffled for how he had dreamt of this and now it was real. Harry loving Niall. 

In a way Niall felt bitter for how he hadn’t had the courage to tell about his feeling sooner. How he just took his distance from Harry the past month, to try and make out if his heart could take it. And all along Harry loved him, when Niall was sure he was more or less messing with Niall. Maybe having a crush and maybe liking the idea of having some on there to adore him. But Harry had adored him from since when… That Niall didn’t know and he wasn’t sure if he would be ready to hear it right now. He might get more angry with himself if Harry would tell how Niall was about to break it off and break both of their hearts, while just thinking about himself, while Harry loved him all the same.

Niall had to touch Harry’s beautiful face to remind himself that it didn’t happen. He didn’t run away, he didn’t leave Harry behind. And that was all thanks to Harry, who didn’t let him get his space. 

’Cause Niall knew that if Harry had just let it go after their phone conversation, Niall would’ve waited - taking his space and time - until it would be impossible to go back anymore. Pushing Harry too far away to get him to come back again. So thank god, that Harry didn’t let Niall get his way, but insisted on them to meet. And having the courage to ask Niall if he loved Harry.

Niall hadn’t waited for that question, but when Harry made it, it didn’t really surprise him. More likely, it surprised him that Harry hadn’t asked it before. For Niall it was so clear that Harry must’ve known about Niall’s feelings from the start. That’s why it wasn’t as nerve wracking to tell him the truth as one could’ve thought. And maybe Niall thought that maybe if he told Harry straight to his face that he loved him, he would break it off. Realizing it was love and not a crush, making Harry want to back away, so he wouldn’t be playing on his best friends feelings. But no, Harry had kissed him. Many times. 

And unbelievable late told Niall that he loved him too. 

Niall fought back a chuckle of thinking how it was so Harry, to get so swept away with the moment and with his own feelings and excitement that it took time for him to read the situation. Niall loved that about Harry. He loved everything. And finally he could say it to Harry’s face.

”Harry…” Niall said quietly and stroke Harry’s sleeping face. ”Haz, love, I have to get up and get going…” Niall spoke and whished he wouldn’t have to. The mention of Niall leaving made Harry wake up and fumble his arms around Niall, to apparently stop Niall from going. Harry mumbled something unclear and nuzzled his way against Niall’s chest. For a second Niall missed Harry’s long crazy curls but forgot it soon, knowing he would grow them back eventually. Probably when they would get back as a band. 

It made Niall’s stomach turn, when he thought about the touring and making a album in half a year, and how different the situation would be now. With them being… together. The fact that Niall would be seeing Harry every day again, made him happy, but everything else made him… Well kind of concerned. There was so much in stake there. Harry’s feelings, Niall’s feelings, the band, Louis and Liam, the fans, and what about if people started to find out and were they going to tell anyone to begin with. They had never had the need to talk about any of this when they were just ’fooling around’. 

”You have to?” Harry whispered with raspy voice after Niall just let Harry snuggle against him, not trying to push him away or talk to him. ”I think so”, Niall said even though he knew he couldn’t blow these people off. But in that moment, nothing seemed more important than filling Harry’s every need. And he definitely didn’t want to leave from that bed. He would’ve wanted to just stay there, not having to think about anything stressful or concerning. 

”When do you have to be back?” Niall asked before Harry had the time to start swaying his way around Niall. Harry frowned to the question, like this was the first moment he even thought about having to maybe be somewhere else than in Niall’s bed, laying naked against Niall. ”I have a dinner party thing in the evening…” Harry said quietly and clearly wanted to know what time it was and look for flight. At least he didn’t have to fly overseas, so he wouldn’t be in a hurry, but still…

”Seems that we won’t be seeing today again”, Niall said trying to cover his disappointment. But what was he expecting? Now that they finally knew they had mutual feelings toward each other, that all the other problems would fade away too.

”Fuck…” Harry sighed under his breath and buried his face into the crook of Niall’s neck. ”Well have to check our schedules again, yeah?” Harry said then lifting his gaze to Niall. Niall couldn’t do more than nod and look back at Harry. They both had so much to say, so much to talk, so much love to give that it felt overwhelming just like this, not to talk about being separate for another few weeks again.

For a small moment Niall was afraid Harry’s eyes could tear up by the disappointment and having so much to say but not having enough time, but then he just sighed deep and whispered: ”Niall, I -”. But somehow the words didn’t come out as they did last night. Now it wasn’t hello-I-love-you, it was a goodbye. And they didn’t know when they would be able to see again and talk. It was all just so much and everything was again confusing, but in a different way. 

”I know”, Niall said sparing Harry from forcing the words out, when it was hard. ”Me too”, he said and soothed Harry’s back with his hand. Slowly Harry reached to kiss Niall, making Niall tremble by how tender it was, and vulnerable as if everything could break down once Niall would walk out the house. 

Once more Harry pressed his face against Niall’s neck before preparing to let Niall go. Terrified how much more afraid he was of losing Niall now that he finally was his. 

”We’re still boyfriends, right?” Harry whispered against Niall’s skin, pressing tighter against Niall when he tried to pull away to see Harry’s face. Niall gave up and hugged Harry tightly. ”Yes, Harry, yes”, Niall said and kissed Harry’s short hair. 

”Okay”, Harry sighed and closed his eyes for just a moment, to memorise the feeling of being hugged by Niall. Just in case if it would be just down hill from there. ”Okay”, Niall reassured and made Harry lift his head so he could kiss him. 

 

\---

 

”I wanna kiss you so bad, Niall”, Harry sighed on the phone making Niall let out a unpleased sound. ”Stop saying my name all the time when you are in public”, Niall said frowning walking by the street of London himself, and knowing Harry was on set, surrounded by people.

”What? No body cares, Ni”, Harry said, disappointed to the respond he got from Niall. ”Somebody might”, Niall argued, annoying himself a bit too with his dither. ”So what. I can say my boyfriends name, can’t I?” Harry said just to get back at Niall, who was already being too nervous about the whole situation. 

”Harry…” Niall sighed scolding and quickened his pace to make himself calmer. They were silent for a moment and Niall would’ve wanted to say that of course he loved how Harry talked about him like that, stating proudly that Niall was his boyfriend, but he was just being so reckless. They hadn’t had the time to talk about the whole thing yet and Harry was already talking like it didn’t matter who heard. 

”I’m sorry, okay”, Harry said then, defeated, making Niall feel even more guilty. ”I’m just excited”, he apologised and Niall wanted to take all his words back. ”I know Harry. I am too, but maybe if you call by nicknames or something? At least for now?” Niall tried to amend which worked perfectly, Harry first pondering about Niall’s words for few seconds, until coming to a conclusion that it was a good idea.  
”Okay, baby boy”, Harry said with a smirk on his face, knowing his words would make Niall blush, knowing he was in the middle of the city. 

”So on Sunday?” Niall asked, trying to seem like Harry’s words hadn’t affected him in any way. ”Yep”, Harry responded smiling. ”Can’t wait”, he added with lower voice, so full of love that it made thrills run down Niall’s spine. 

”Me neither”, Niall said a bit awkwardly, but Harry knew he meant it. ”I love you”, Harry said when Niall was about to ring off. Harry had said it every day on the phone since the day he first said it, but Niall wasn’t at all used to it. It made him happy of course, but he felt so many other feelings too that it was making him dizzy. 

”Yeah, me too…” Niall almost whispered awkwardly, ringing off hearing Harry’s content chuckle on the other end. 

 

\---

 

Niall was agitated when we walked from the airport to the car Harry had ordered for him. Niall was this time visiting Harry ’cause that gave them three nights to be together, Harry having only few hours of work for those days. Niall was nervous of the whole thing, it was so much easier when Harry came to London and to his place. First of all, the paps and magazines didn’t pay so much notice of Harry coming to London quite frequently, he had a lot of other things there too and they had Niall’s place to cover them, not having to stress about paps getting to know which hotel they were staying or following them around. 

Now Niall was going to stay in a hotel with Harry and have nothing else to do in this city than be with Harry. Harry hadn’t seem to mind the whole thing, but after all he was the carefree of them in this subject. Niall was irritated about how he was normally the one who didn’t stress much about anything, and now he was making himself mad with thinking all the possibilities how things could go wrong. 

There were some paps taking pictures at the airport, but not a lot. They would probably put two together and conclude that Niall was visiting Harry, but so what? They were best friends, wasn’t it aloud for Niall to come and see his best mate?

The car didn’t take Niall to the hotel, instead to the set, where Harry was waiting for him. Niall got a visitor pass and after a haste hug as a hello, Harry lead Niall to the set, showing around and introducing to everyone. Niall felt kind of awkward, but Harry didn’t seem to notice and kept on talking about everything, being excited as ever. 

As some point Niall understood that he was getting a bit irritated with how normal Harry was with him. Somehow, with all his talks on the phone, not caring who heard his love declarations or not, Niall had anticipated for him to be the same now. But Harry was like when they were just friends. Laughing and being nice as always, but nothing more. Not even haste touches or stolen glances. And if Harry would’ve acted any other way, Niall would’ve hoped him acting like this, but now that he was, it was making him restless. 

After some hours of being on set Niall got to see Harry act a bit. It was a short scene but Niall was dazzled. Harry looked so cool, so concentrated and giving it his all. Niall knew Harry would do well with acting, but he had never really seen him in anything serious. Niall could feel himself falling in love all over again, when looking at Harry’s stern face as he was listening to the director and then doing the scene few times more. Niall had always admired Harry and for example how he acts on stage, but this was so different from anything he had seen. Harry was amazing. 

”A bit nervous when your buddy’s here?” Harry’s co worker ask teasingly once Harry was done and came to Niall. ”Of course”, Harry answered simply, looking a bit stiff still, making Niall confused. 

”You were nervous?” Niall had to ask and reached to touch Harry’s arm, but for his great surprise Harry moved away from the touch, taking a small step back. To anyone other it seemed like nothing, but Niall knew he had stepped away from the touch. ”Of course I was”, Harry replied and started talking with the co worker about something happening the next day. Niall waited and listened to them in silence, until Harry had to go take off the clothes and then he would be ready to leave the set. 

Harry left Niall on the side of the set, to watch the next scene that was filmed. It was very fascinated, but he was bothered by Harry’s actions. Something was definitely off. 

 

\---

 

”Harry…” Niall said when Harry just rushed to the bathroom in their hotel room. There was just one king sized bed and Niall couldn’t stop himself from hoping that no one was going to be snooping around or that the hotel would give anyone the information, that they were sleeping in the same bed. 

Harry just kept on talking about nonsense, like the whole time from the set to the hotel. He had hardly looked Niall in the eyes, just blabbering about the movie, about the people there, about all kinds of stuff and blowing off everything Niall was trying to say to him.

”Harry, can you please stop for a second and kiss me?” Niall asked at the bathroom door, making Harry go silent finally. Harry turned to Niall, having his shirt off already meaning to take a shower apparently - which Niall had thought they would do together after a nice fuck. 

Harry looked somehow awkward when he walked to Niall and pecked his lips, not that fast but just lightly. Niall looked Harry with wondering eyes, trying to study Harry’s expressions to understand what was going on his head. 

”Harry”, Niall said frowning, making Harry take a step back. ”I’m just going to take a shower okay?” Harry said and sighed a bit. ”Want me to join you?” Niall asked even though knowing the answer already. So he stepped out and closed to he door as Harry shook his head. 

 

\---

 

When Harry got off the shower, Niall was laying on the bed leaning on the wall on the head of the bed, watching TV. Harry looked a little lost when drying his hair on the towel, having only boxers on. Niall forced his eyes to stay on the TV when Harry was putting on clothes, but frowning when seeing in the corner of his eye that Harry was putting fancier clothes, so they were probably heading out for the night. 

”I was super nervous, okay”, Harry said finally, dropping the towel and crawling all the way up to Niall’s lap. Niall didn’t turn his head away from the TV, but let Harry make his way into his arms, head against his chest. ”You being there. Seeing me act”, Harry said ashamed and Niall just had to look at his face. 

”And that’s why you’ve been acting so weird now?” Niall asked and Harry nodded. ”Why were you nervous? You were amazing”, Niall talked, making Harry’s eyes dart up. 

”You think so?” Harry asked as if he’d be waiting Niall to laugh at him or something. ”Yes”, Niall scoffed and wanted to kiss Harry. ”You were so cool, it was thrilling to see you in a situation I’ve never seen you. Felt like falling for you all over again”, Niall explained making Harry’s eyes shine. 

”I was so nervous that I could hardly act or remember my lines. All the others noticed too and I’m pretty sure we’ll have to do the scene again, when you’re not there. I just… It’s just a big deal for me - what you think, I mean”, Harry explained, making Harry dazzled all over again. So all of it was just Harry - Harry - being nervous and insecure for Niall being there and seeing him work and being on his work place. 

”Oh, baby…” Niall sighed and bend down to kiss Harry. The position was a bit awkward, but Harry did lift himself a little and turn his head so it became easier. ”I think you were amazing, so amazing, babe”, Niall talked, making Harry almost blush. It was quite funny how Harry never seemed to get shy, or blushy or anything, but then Niall had this power over him, to make him all confused and cute. So cute that Niall wasn’t able to stop himself from turning himself on top on Harry and pressing him against the mattress, to get a better access to kiss Harry. For real this time. 

 

\---

 

”So did you have something in mind for tonight?” Niall asked as they laid on the bed after having amazing sex, Harry needing a new shower again. ”I was thinking if we’d go for a nice dinner. And talk about things. Have no rush, but we could just order room service and stay in for the evening too”, Harry talked, studying Niall’s eyes for his thoughts. Niall was pleased that they were on the same page, knowing they had talk. Like really talk and not just have sex and cuddle. They were going to do that too, but they also needed to talk.

”For tonight, it might be safer to stay in”, Niall said pondering, Harry nodding his head. ”So let’s shower, then order room service and get down to business”, Harry joked when getting up from the bed, making Niall shiver with the sudden cold as the warm body left next to him. 

They showered slowly, kissing and touching each other the whole time, almost making Niall forget to wash his hair. While Harry dried his hair once more, Niall ordered a bit greedily much food from the room service and putting some comfy clothes on. The room service was fast and it didn’t take long once they were sitting on bed, making a mess by eating there. 

”So we love each other?” Harry started, making Niall chuckle with how absurd it still sounded. ”Yes”, he answered and looked fondly into Harry’s eyes. ”And we are together now?” Harry was making sure, getting a nod from Niall. ”Yes”.

”And we are in this for real…?” Harry asked a little bit unsure and glared Niall under his brows. ”Yes, I think so…” Niall said, stomach fluttering with the thought that they were really together and were trying this for real. It all seemed so unreal still. ”There’s a lot of things we have to go through and some that we might disagree, but I really want you”, Niall spoke and wanted to touch Harry for reassurance, but waited for Harry to respond.

”I want you too. No matter how complicated it would be, I want you”, Harry said without any hesitation, making Niall tiny bit nervous of how sure Harry was, how he knew it might get messy, but wanted him still. I guess Niall was the scary cat after all.

”First of all…” Niall started, getting ’down to business’, ’cause both of them knew that it was Niall who was more prompt about what it would look like to outsiders and how would they handle all of this. Harry had always been quite carefree about others thought and not that private about his life all together, when Niall on the other hand was very private and didn’t like people knowing too much of his personal life. And Harry knew that Niall might not be as okay with liking guys as Harry was. ”I don’t want this to be public”, Niall said, tone apologetic for being demanding and not requesting that they don’t go public. 

”Yeah, I figured”, Harry said with a slight smile, them both knowing that Harry wouldn’t mind really if people knew, but he didn’t need it either. It was fine for him either way, so then it was Niall’s need that they obeyed. 

”And I think we have to tell Liam and Louis at some point, but…” Niall started, when Harry just had to interrupt him: ”I think Liam kind of knows”. Niall looked shocked. ”Or at least he once, when we were still touring, he warned me not get you hurt, so he knew something was going on, and it’s likely that Louis knew something was on as well”, Harry talked, feeling guilty for not telling this sooner. But it hadn’t been as relevant then, than it was now that they were together. 

”Oh, well, okay”, Niall said, processing the fact that they already knew something. ”Well then we should tell them sooner than later. Before we start touring. But not yet, is that okay…?” Niall talked and sought Harry’s approval.

”Not yet”, Harry agreed and smiled for assurance. ”And well, I’m okay with you telling your family or who ever you want to tell from your loved ones, but I’ll need to wait till I’m home, to tell anything. Just can’t tell something like this on the phone. And I need a little bit time to be okay with telling them, too”, Niall spoke, Harry nodding his head in understanding. 

”My mom and Gemma know about my feelings for you”, Harry revealed like it was nothing, making Niall baffled all over again. ”Okay…” he said, trying to think how many already knew about Harry’s feelings, when he had no idea. ”But they don’t know what’s been going on lately”, Harry ads hoping it will calm Niall down a little bit. 

For a moment they just concentrate on eating, letting it all sink in. Or Harry giving Niall time to adjust to the new information. ”Are you upset?” Harry asked carefully when Niall was just staring at the food and not saying anything or looking at Harry. Niall looked up and smiled apologetic.

”No, just little bit confused”, he said and wanted to touch Harry, but waited again. ”I have to warn you already”, Niall started, making Harry worried the first time on their conversation. ”I might get distant or something, if people start to wonder something about us. If the magazines start to make articles about us or something. Or if the paps start to follow us everywhere”, Niall explained and looked sad, for feeling like that. Harry felt sad too, partly because he felt bad for Niall being sad and concerned and partly because he couldn’t stop wondering if his feeling were just that much deeper that he didn’t care because of that. 

”I love you, Harry”, Niall said, as knowing what Harry was thinking. ”But I’m just not ready to make it a huge deal. I want it to be just the two us, for a while at least”, he spoke and looked at Harry with pleading eyes. ”I want you to know that if I’m being even slightly distant or something, it’s never because I wouldn’t love you”, Niall said, blushing a little bit for saying it out loud. But it made Harry relax a little bit. 

”We’d be careful?” Harry asked silently and hoped Niall wouldn’t look apologetic again, like knowing it wasn’t a maybe that he would be getting his distance, mote likely a certain thing. But Niall broke into relieved smile and finally gave in for his urge to crawl closer and touch Harry. He leaned forward, placing his hands on Harry’s lap to steady himself, when he reached for Harry’s lips. Harry responded to the tender kiss by cupping Niall’s face with his hands. ”You just might have to remind me time to time, okay?” Harry said smiling crookedly, making Niall smile widely. 

”Sure”, Niall breathed before kissing Harry again. After few kisses, Niall made his way onto Harry’s lap and wrapped his hand around Harry’s neck, while Harry’s hand found their way on to Niall’s bum. Niall just smiled wickedly when Harry squeezed Niall’s but teasingly, and then pushed Harry on his back, deciding they had talked and eaten enough to deserve a break. 

”You up for another round?” Niall whispered sheepishly while licking Harry’s neck and biting his collarbone. Harry just pucked his hips against Niall’s bum to make him realize Harry was already half hard. Niall laughed quietly, contently before wiggling Harry out of his shirt and trailing his way down to Harry’s jeans. 

It didn’t take long until Harry was completely naked under Niall and Niall was down on him. Only after couple of minutes of blowing, Harry tucked Niall by the hair to make him stop.

”Ni…” Harry sighed, out of breath already. ”I was just thinking…” he spoke, trying to decide how to say his thoughts. ”I was just wondering if you’d ever be interested in doing me?” he managed to say, making Niall pull further from Harry cock. Niall looked surprised for a second before suddenly returning to Harry’s dick and sucking him like never before, like he was truly loving it, like there was nothing he would rather do.

Harry was almost coming when Niall finally eased up and in the end got his lips off of Harry’s dick. Harry was breathing heavy and couldn’t open his eyes for a second, just floating in some kind of almost coming sensation. So it took him by surprise when he suddenly felt Niall’s finger touching his rim, making him jump and bat his eyes open.

”This okay?” Niall asked before putting a finger in, looking Harry with dark eyes. Harry had really thought he would have to warm Niall up for the idea, remembering how Niall had backed away the first time Harry had implied Niall to fuck him. But there he was, eyes lustful, finger slick with lube, ready to open Harry up once he’d get the permission.

”Yeah”, Harry breathed out and nodded, and immediately being filled with Niall’s finger. Niall stopped and let Harry adjust to the feeling, before starting to move. Even though Harry was thankful that Niall seemed to know what he was doing, he couldn’t prevent himself from wondering where he’d leaned it. Whit who he had learned it all and who Niall had been with even before their first time. 

Niall was good with his hands, Harry had always known that, but he really knew how to make Harry feel good. Mostly by just studying Harry and knowing every time when he did something right. ”Ni, baby…” Harry mumbled when he was getting closer on coming again. He knew it would probably hurt either way considering it had been a long time since anyone had fucked him, so he didn’t mind not letting Niall continue as long as he may have wanted. 

Niall placed himself on top of Harry and kissed him few times to let Harry calm down a bit. ”You sure?” Niall ensured and gently kissed Harry’s neck and jaw. ”Yeah, want you”, Harry sighed and pushed Niall away by his chest, so Niall would be set on place. Niall looked at Harry one more time before getting the condoms and the lube from the night stand and got himself ready. Harry was extremely turned on by the sight and the thought of Niall fucking him for the first time. 

Niall looked perfect, on top of him, hovering and placing his cock on Harry’s rim. Niall looked Harry in the eyes the whole time he pushed himself in, biting his lip when the tightness overwhelmed him. They both breathed superficially when Niall bottomed out and stopped to let them both adjust to the feeling, the tightness and the feeling of being fully filled. 

”Harry… Fuck, you’re tight”, Niall breathed out and leaned down, laying against Harry’s chest, starting to move slowly. The small pain Harry had felt, disappeared in a flash once Niall started moving, fucking his way into Harry slowly but surely. Harry moaned Niall’s name the whole time, mumbling all kind of curses and praises to the god, until Niall’s pace was increased so fast and rough that Harry’s brains weren’t able to produce any words, his mouth just letting out moans and whimpers. 

Harry came first and Niall soon after. ”Fuck, Harry I love you”, Niall groaned and collapsed on top of Harry once the orgasm was fading. Harry wasn’t even able to answer anything, just laying boneless against the mattress, hand wrapped around Niall. Blissed out of his mind.

And this was it. This was everything they ever wanted. What they needed.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooooooooo!!
> 
> Here would be a potential place to stop, wouldn't it? And I had thought about writing this story until here, it has already been so much more slow built that it was suppose to, BUT  
> I can't seem to be done with them, so I do have ideas for more, but I want to hear your opinions of what you think. If this is a good point to put a stop to this story or if I should continue and maybe see how they'll handle coming back as a band and a couple? or coming out as a couple? maybe? 
> 
> SO, please please tell me what do you think and I'll go from there!
> 
> I'm so thankful for all of you who have been supporting this story, especially all of you who have commented, you have been such a motivation for me, have made the writing process so much more fun! 
> 
> Thank you and let me know if this it the proper end for this or if it should get few more chapters!!


	10. We've got our wild love raging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”I fucking miss you, okay?” Niall snarled and sighed on the phone. ”Stop questioning my feelings all the time”, he continued, making Harry frown.
> 
> ”I believe that you miss me and you love, but just not enough”, Harry said back, knowing immediately he went too far.

Chapter 10

 

”Hi gorgeous”, Niall answered the phone with a delighted smile on his face. ”Don’t be mad, okay”, Harry plead, making Niall lose his smile instantly. ”What is it?” Nial asked right after, making Harry sigh and move to a quieter place.

”So I was having the interview today. About the film and stuff”, Harry started, making Niall’s heart stop for a sec. Niall couldn’t speak, he didn’t dare to ask, so he waited for Harry to continue. ”And they asked if I was seeing anyone”, Harry talked hastily, clearly very anxious and fearing Niall’s reaction. 

”Do they know?” Niall asked and his voice was harsh and cold, he didn’t mean it to be, but he was scared and shocked. ”About you, god no”, Harry answered and grunted annoyingly. Niall closed his eyes in relief, until opening them again, wondering what could it be then.

”They asked if I was dating anyone and I wasn’t waiting on a question like that. Not so used to the interviews anymore, so I kind of froze and once I said no, it was so fucking disbelieving”, Harry spoke. 

”With just that, no one will ever believe I could act, when I can’t suddenly even keep my cool, when I’m asked if I’m seeing anyone”, he sighed, making Niall almost laugh, but he fought it back so he wouldn’t hurt Harry’s feelings. 

”No one will think you can’t act just because you got surprised by the question”, Niall said calmly, smiling fondly. Niall couldn’t wait to get to see the interview, Harry getting all confused and blushy when denying of seeing anyone, when everything else in him was saying yes. 

”It’s just that we never really talked if we would say to people that we are single or not”, Harry continued then and seemed a little insecure suddenly, asking that from Niall. Niall felt a little bit awkward ’cause he knew Harry would want to say that he isn’t single, and probably denied it in the interview just for Niall. 

”I guess you can say that you’re not single if you want to, but people will start snooping around much more”, Niall said finally, knowing they would already be more interested in Harry’s love life after that interview. ”Mmm…” Harry mumbled on the other end, making Niall shrug. He would’ve wanted to give Harry the world, but he couldn’t. He just wasn’t ready. It was as hard as it had been month ago, when they first said they loved each other. 

”Are you gonna?” Harry asked, making Niall close his eyes for a moment. ”Say that you are single?” Harry continued, probably knowing the answer already, but hoping it to be different.

”Probably”, Niall said just above whispering, and wanting to apologise, but knowing it would make Harry feel even worse. So they staid silent for a moment, both wondering what could be said next.

”Harry, I love you”, Niall said then, making Harry’s heart pound. They had decided not to call each other by name on the phone, at least when they weren’t alone where no one could hear even by accident. Niall knew this meant a lot for Harry, him declaring his feelings and saying his name, but he also knew this wouldn’t be enough for long. After few months Harry was pound to get restless if things like these happened, if the paps would start following Harry around more, making Niall stay away from Harry more. 

”Love you too”, Harry said quietly, knowing too that things were going the get hard at some point. Question was how soon and if they were going to get through it.

 

\---

 

The paps started to follow Harry around more after the interview, trying to find out who he was seeing. Who was this secret lady he’s dating. As a result Niall stayed away, only once he was okay with Harry coming to see him for one night. Harry tried to be mad about it, but he understood Niall. He didn’t feel like Niall felt, but he understood him. So he had to just endure it and wait till everybody would get bored of following him around.

It took about two, three weeks till no one barely remembered anything about Harry’s awkwardness on the interview. Niall still kept his distance for few more weeks, making Harry almost lose his mind. They still talked on the phone and texted all the time, but it was creating tension between them, Harry not understanding how Niall could possibly be missing him when still keeping them apart. 

”I fucking miss you, okay?” Niall snarled and sighed on the phone. ”Stop questioning my feelings all the time”, he continued, making Harry frown. 

”I believe that you miss me and you love, but just not enough”, Harry said back, knowing immediately he went too far. 

”You know, Harry, fuck you”, Niall said and thought about hanging up, but then he would be just left alone with the bitterness and loneliness and would probably just end up crying. ”This doesn’t have anything to do with you”, Niall said, knowing Harry would take it wrong if he wouldn’t explain immediately. ”Me taking distance from you ’cause of the paps doesn’t have anything to do with how deeply I feel for you. It’s about me. About how I’m not ready to put myself in the position where I might be forced to come out about our relationship, about me being bi or gay or whatever”, Niall talked, blushing and throwing himself on his sofa. ”It’s about me and who I am and when will I be ready to come out. I just know that it isn’t now, when I don’t have a clue what I am. You and my feelings for you are the only things I’m sure about. So please stop questioning them”, Niall spoke, making Harry feel guilty.

”Okay, I’m sorry, I’ll try”, Harry said after a moment of silence. 

”Fuck, I miss you”, Niall sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. ”How’s your next week?” he asked then, knowing Harry would cheer up from that. And Niall would too. 

But it was terrifying. The need that Niall felt for Harry. How he knew he had to keep his distance, not being ready for anyone to know about them, know about Niall, but it was so hard. Every day he felt like giving in and just taking and going to see Harry. Worst was when Harry was staying in London for almost a week, paps right on his tale, Niall dreaming of Harry coming to sleep next to him every night, coming home to him, and not being able to do that. Well one night he gave in, when the neediness grew too big and he just needed to feel Harry beside him, see him. And now there he was again, needing Harry so much he didn’t know if he could bare it. Making him give in.

 

\--

 

Niall felt chills run down his spine when the doorbell rang. He knew it was Harry. After a month they would finally see again. He was almost starting to dread for the tour to begin so they would be together every day again, and no one would suspect anything. 

Niall ran to the door and let Harry in quickly. ”Hi babe, missed you”, Harry said sheepishly and leaned to kiss Niall, but Niall dodged it and pulled Harry’s bag out of his hand so he could throw himself against Harry. Harry let out a breath as if Niall had knocked it out of his lungs, but wrapped his hands around Niall’s waist almost automatically.

Harry had hardly time to start responding to Niall’s kisses when Niall was already ripping Harry’s jacket off from his shoulders. Harry let it fall to the floor, smiling into the kiss, but Niall didn’t stop there. He quickly started to button Harry’s shirt open and pressed Harry against the wall beside the door. 

”Babe, wouldn’t you want…” Harry tried, and offered to move them to the direction of the stairs, but Niall pressed him back against the wall. He just continued kissing Harry passionately and taking Harry’s shirt off. Next his hands went to Harry’s jeans, when Harry finally believed that Niall was serious about not going to the bedroom or even the living room for that matter. 

”Niall, hey..” Harry tried still, but Niall shut him up by slipping his hand into Harry’s boxers and taking Harry’s dick into his hand. ”Now”, Niall breathed against Harry’s lips and moved to kiss his neck. Niall grinded himself against Harry’s legs, making Harry know how serious he actually was. Niall’s hornyness and Niall’s hand on his dick made him rock hard in matter of seconds. 

Harry didn’t almost notice Niall starting to undress himself with one hand, Harry giving him a hand when he finally noticed. Niall kicked the sweatpants - with no boxers underneath - of his legs and when he was fully naked he kissed Harry one last time, until ripping Harry’s jeans and boxers down. 

”Need you now”, Niall said and flipped then around so that he was against the wall. Harry almost fell having the jeans and boxers still on his ankles and when he finally stepped out of them and lifted his head, Niall had turned his back on him, leaning to the wall with his hands and cheek, offering his ass to Harry like a porn star. 

”Jesus, Ni…” Harry breathed almost having to put his hands on the wall for support. Then his cock was forcing him to move closer and get on with it. ”No need, took care of that”, Niall said when Harry put his fingers into his mouth meaning to prep Niall. 

Now Harry had to put his hands on Niall’s waist for support, and lean to kiss his back, ’cause this boy just made him speechless, over and over. ”God, Ni, you are amazing”, Harry moaned before even touching Niall’s ass. 

After few second of pulling himself together, he straightened his back and spit on to his hand, even though Niall’s ass was already slippery by the lube Niall had been using when fingering himself open. Harry had to close his eyes when he pushed himself in, ’cause the sight before him and the tightness around his dick were almost throwing him off already. Niall must’ve been prepping himself for a while already, ’cause he settled around Harry almost instantly. Now Harry wasn’t even slightly surprised why Niall hadn’t had time to go back upstairs…

”Fucking hell… Babe”, Harry cursed as he fucked into Niall, who was moaning loudly, eyes closed, cheek against the wall. ”I love you so much, Ni”, Harry breathed and pounded against Niall’s ass. ”Love -… You too”, Niall gasped between the moans, making Harry just fasten his pace. Niall was working on himself but pretty slowly, apparently being already so close that he would’ve came with quicker pace. 

That’s why Harry surprised Niall by swiping Niall’s hand away and taking a strong grip of Niall’s dick, getting a loud gasp out of the boy. Then Harry fucked Niall as roughly as he could, trying to match his hand on the pace. Niall’s moans and whimpers merged into one sound, resembling a quiet cry or scream. 

Niall came with a force, making it impossible for Harry not to come, when he clenched around him like never before and letting out sinful sounds. 

Both of their legs were shaking once they got down from their high, still panting with the aftershock. Harry would’ve wanted to lay on Niall’s back some more, but knew that the blond boy was seconds away from dropping to the ground. So Harry slowly packed away and only then he realized they had fucked bare. For a short moment he felt scared, but only for Niall’s reaction. He wasn’t afraid of getting anything from Niall or giving anything to him, but Niall might not still want to fuck without protection. 

Harry was about to open his mouth, but Niall really seemed like he was going to pass out, so Harry went to him and wrapped his hand on Niall’s waist. Then he walked Niall upstairs and to the bedroom. They laid on the bed and Harry tucked Niall in meaning to go take care of the mess, but Niall clang on to him, making it impossible for Harry to leave him alone. 

”Baby, it’s okay, I’m here”, Harry soothed Niall and only then Niall seemed to relax, humming contently when Harry wrapped him in his arms. Harry was worried for a second when Niall didn’t seem to get back from the aftershock at all, but after some minutes of Harry just whispering sweet nothings into Niall’s ear, he finally opened his eyes and nuzzled closer to Harry. 

”Thank you”, was what Niall said before sliding into peaceful slumber. Harry was meaning to go clean the hallway, but ended up falling asleep too. 

 

\--

 

”You know we didn’t use protection”, Harry said carefully once they few hours later woke up around mid night. Niall looked confused for a second before shrugging. 

”Well, I’m clean and I don’t think you would’ve done that if you weren’t so it’s fine by me”, Niall said looking like it wasn’t a big deal. ”We weren’t going to use condoms forever either way, right?” he added, making Harry’s insides feel warm. ”Yeah, true”, Harry replied and smiled to himself. 

Harry cleared his throat before asking the next thing, trying to keep the teasing sound out of his voice: ”Did you prep yourself for along time?” ”’Cause you were kind of far gone once I came here”, he added and tried not to smile too widely. Niall blushed and looked down from Harry’s eyes. ”Yeah well I got a bit carried away and you took longer to get here than I thought you would… Sorry for you having to almost carry me to bed”, Niall spoke, the redness deepening on his face.

”But was it good for you? Did it feel good, I wasn’t too rough?” Harry asked, making Niall look surprised for a moment. 

”Harry it was amazing…” he breathed and kissed Harry again. ”Like woah…” he added and closed his eyes for a moment as if only the thought was too much. ”I hope you didn’t mind me jumping on you like that”, Niall said after a small silence, crooked smile on his face, making Harry give out a laugh. ”Not at all. You can jump on me like that any time”, he assured and kissed Niall once more. ”Any time”.

 

\--

 

”I don’t think I’m dong this right”, Harry sighed one morning when they were laying on the bed post morning sex, after few weeks they hadn’t seen each other again. ”The whole acting thing…” he added when Niall looked at him with wondering eyes.

”How’s so?” Niall asked and moved his hand to stroke Harry’s short hair. Now when he thought about it, he might be missing this short hair too, once Harry would start to grow it back again. After all, Harry was super handsome. But wasn’t he always?

”I just don’t feel like I have what it takes”, Harry said and drew circles on Niall’s chest. ”Like I’m not good enough”, he ended.

”Have you gotten some feedback like that?” Niall asked and wanted to kiss the frown out of Harry’s forehead. ”No… It’s just a feeling, you know”, Harry explained, making Niall smile a little, when Harry couldn’t see it. 

”I’m sure you are worried for nothing. You are just so hard on yourself. I’m sure no one else thinks like that”, Niall talked, being absolutely right and getting to say ’I told you so’ few days later when Harry would call him extremely happy, saying how he had gotten so many praises from other crew members. Niall knew it already, but he had to take Harry seriously. He had to cheer him on, even when there was really no reason for Harry to be insecure.

Harry just hummed for response but seemed more relaxed. ”Have you thought about when we should tell the lads?”, Harry asked then, carefully. 

”No, haven’t been thinking about that…” Niall said quietly knowing Harry would feel a little bit disappointed. ”But I’ve been thinking of going to Ireland, sometime soon”, he continued, making Harry’s eyes dart up. ”And I’d like you to come with me, if you just can with your work”, Niall smiled and responded to the kiss Harry laid on his lips, before nodding. 

”We’ll find a time that works for the both of us. We always do”, Harry said, looking so positive that it made Niall laugh contently. ”Yeah”, Niall sighed and hoped having Harry there with him, would make it less nerve-wracking. 

 

\---

 

They did find a time that worked for the both of them, but only few weeks later. They had noticed that there was a pattern that they most likely saw each other every other week, and it was kind of reassuring - to know that it wouldn’t suddenly be a whole month. But Niall went first, Harry having stay behind for work for the first day. First Niall was kind of terrified, thinking of delaying his visit too, but once he was on the airplane he was glad Harry wasn’t there. Harry would’ve tried to calm him and probably succeeded, but in the end this was about Niall and it was Niall’s task to be telling his family. 

Bobby was waiting for Niall when he got out of the plane and closed him into a warm hug right when he got Niall close enough. ”Good to see you, boy”, his dad said smiling. ”Thought I’d be seeing you more on your break, but haven’t been here that much”, he teased, but Niall knew he understood. 

”Promise to come more often, Da”, Niall assured and smiled apologetically. Bobby eyed Niall carefully before getting into the car, waiting Niall to get in, before asking: ”With Harry?” 

Niall looked at his dad for a second before looking ahead, trying to understand what Bobby meant by that. ”Yeah, maybe”, Niall settled to say, not seeing why he should be lying. He came here to tell them, didn’t he?

Rest of the way they kept talking about normal stuff, catching up and it felt nice. Niall hadn’t even really realized how much he had missed his dad’s company until now. Bobby had the way of making Niall feel so grounded, like he was still just Niall, not Niall that everybody could read from the internet or watch interviews from, just Niall from Mullingar. 

Once they got home Niall walked around the house, feeling so content and so relaxed, just keep on talking with Bobby, yelling through the rooms while Bobby was making them dinner. 

”You gonna go see your ma still tonight?” Bobby asked when Niall came into the kitchen. ”Nah, probably not until tomorrow”, Niall answered and sat on the island in the middle of the kitchen, to watch Bobby do the magic. He was so used to this, watching his dad make dinner. He would have to pay Greg a visit too… Or maybe he would come see them. 

”So Christmas is soon, you coming here, right?” Bobby asked like it was the easiest question. And it was, or at least it had been, but suddenly Niall fell silent. He didn’t nod his head right way or say ”ai, ai”. Bobby noticed the change too, but didn’t seem surprised at all, just glanced at Niall below his eye brows. 

”Want to talk with Harry first?” Bobby asked carefully, making Niall real confused. But Bobby just turned back to his cooking and let Niall settle with his mind. How did Bobby know? How did everybody know, when he had been so clueless about everything else but his own feelings. Being clueless about his own feeling too for long probably…

”Yeah, I guess”, Niall said, not knowing if he was responding to the coming on Christmas or wanting to talk to Harry. ”How did you…” Niall starter, making Bobby turn around and leave the cooking be for a moment. He shrugged and smiled a little. 

”Just a hunch”, he said almost making Niall laugh. A hunch ye? ”So you two are…?” Bobby continued with waiting eyes, still not looking any bit surprised or shocked. I guess that was Niall’s part.  
”Together. Yes”, Niall said, surprised how easy it was to let it out, in the end. He had thought he would have to spell it out for his dad, telling yes two guys can be together as lovers, yes I do love him Da, yes this is what I want… But Bobby just looked at Niall’s blushing face fore a moment and then nodded contently. 

”He’s good for you?” Bobby asked, making Niall blush even more. It all felt so weird, and also so normal at the same time. As if he was again fifteen, his dad talking about protection when he was about to go to his first real date. Blushing under his dad’s eyes. ”Yeah, I think so”, Niall responded and looked at his hand on the table. 

”So has it been long?” Bobby asked and seemed so neutral about the whole thing that you could’ve believed that he was talking about the next football game. ”A while”, Niall admitted, not wanting to get into how long they were just ”messing around”, not knowing about each other’s feelings. 

”You love him?” Bobby asked right after, almost overwhelming Niall with all the questions. To that Niall didn’t find the easiness to respond, but apparently Bobby didn’t need verbal confirmation about that. ”And he loves you?” He asked at that was the first time he heard any harshness and concern in Bobby’s voice, making Niall’s heart swell. ”Yeah”, Niall breathed out not even realizing how the thought alone brought a smile into his face, until Bobby was responding to his small smile. 

”Good”, Bobby said and nodded contently. ”Can’t wait for him to get here”, he added before they swiftly eased into other topics, Niall feeling quite unreal still when he was getting into bed about all of it. How Bobby had known and had asked all the necessary questions, not making Niall feel uncomfortable or bad or anything negative. When Niall tucked himself in for the night, he just felt loved. Sending Harry a quick message, before sleeping:

”Da’s waiting to see you. I’m as well, love you”.

 

\---

 

Niall was supposed to just send a car to pick Harry up the next morning, but when he woke up he couldn’t stand the thought of just waiting around the house, so he called the driver to come pick him up before going to the airport. But in the end it wasn’t that much better waiting in the car, having nothing to do that scroll through twitter and instagram, than being at home where he could’ve maybe watch TV with Bobby or something. 

But once Harry finally opened the door and sat down, not noticing Niall right away, it was all worth it. Harry’s eyes widened and his mouth was left open as he realized who was sitting next to him. He didn’t even remember to greet the driver when he jumped on Niall, almost making Niall hit his head on the window. 

”Hi to you too”, Niall chuckled into Harry’s neck, being ever grateful for the driver for realizing to give them privacy and leaving them in the back, surrounded by darkened windows, so no one would see inside. And neither would the driver, so Niall didn’t stop himself from kissing Harry lightly, once he backed away a little bit. 

Harry eyed towards the driver too, as if Niall wouldn’t have made sure nobody watched them, and then kissing Niall again, getting the change to savour the sensation. ”Missed you”, Harry breathed against Niall’s lips and let their foreheads lean against each other. ”You too”, Niall smiled.

”So how did it go with your dad?” Harry asked after he calmed down and backed away from Niall’s lap. ”Good”, Niall said and smiled. ”Really good. I didn’t really need to tell him, he kind of figured it out. But also made me wonder if we are being too obvious as everybody seems to know”, Niall laughed, making Harry frown a bit but smile after noticing that Niall wasn’t bothered by it - for the first time. 

”So he was good with it?” Harry made sure and took Niall’s hand into his. ”Yeah, just made sure to ask if you loved me and if your good for me”, Niall grinned and squeezed Harry’s hand lightly. ”You said I love you and I’m good for you, right?” Harry asked with wide eyes as if he would’ve really been thinking Niall might have said anything other. ”Of course I did”, Niall laughed, making Harry’s face relax.

”What about your mom?” Harry asked then, making Niall bite his lips for a second. ”Haven’t seen her yet, that’s where we’re going right now”, Niall said with apologetic smile, knowing Harry wasn’t expecting that. Immediately he took his hand away from Niall and concentrated on making his hair look better. He still wasn’t so used to the short hair and wasn’t as confident with it, trying desperately to make it look better. For nothing, ’cause it already looked great.

”Relax, it’s just my mom”, Niall laughed, amused by how he was the one calming Harry and not the other way around. ”Yeah exactly, it’s your mom, Niall”, Harry sighed trying to mirror himself from the car window. ”If she doesn’t approve of me, I’m done”, Harry blabbered making Niall laugh again. ”She does already, Harry”, Niall smiled. ”She already approves of you”. 

 

\---

 

”You two, huh?” Maura said cheekily and smiled contently, leaning on the counter, bouncing her eyes between Niall and Harry. Niall was smiling softly to her, but Harry looked like he was about to lose it and run away. ”I had a feeling about you two”, Maura said squinting her eyes and smiling wider. ”But already years ago. Almost already thought that I was wrong, since nothing had happened with you two. For the first time for me to be wrong about anything”, she talked, winking at the boys on the last part. Niall burst into wide grin although he might get anxious later on when he would think about how literally everybody around him knew, before he did. He sure had been quite blind. 

”I love him very much, I promise”, Harry said with stiff expression on his face, causing Niall to turn his face to him too, surprised how anxious Harry seemed to be, blushing for his words. 

”I know that, my dear”, Maura smiled and let the cheekiness turn into tenderness, lifting her hand to take a hold of Harry’s hand. ”Known that all along”, she smiled and let Harry hold her hand until he started to calm down.

”You could’ve been more open about things with me, though, doesn’t matter if your travelling around the world, I’m still your mother”, Maura talked turning to Niall, but her eyes told that it was just a talk, she was just teasing. ”Ma, you knew more than I did. I have been quite clueless”, Niall defended smiling, then getting up from his chair and walked around the island and closed Maura into his arms.  
”Love you, Ma”, Niall whispered and kissed her mother’s cheek.

 

\--

 

”So hey, my Da want’s to know if I’m coming for Christmas”, Niall says when he and Harry are getting ready for bed after getting back to Bobby’s, from Maura’s. Harry’s head appears from the bathroom door to look at Niall, first just questioning until he understands what Niall is actually asking from him. After the realization spreads on his face he holds up one finger and returns to the bathroom to spit out the toothpaste. After he’s done he comes back to the room and makes his way into Niall’s arms on the bed. It’s smaller than the king sized beds that they are used to, but it’s comfy and somehow reminds them of the time when Harry went there for the first time.

”So…” Harry starts and looks Niall deep in the eyes. ”What would you want to do?” he asks carefully. ”Well I think we both are too used to spending the Christmas eve and day with our families, but I’d like to see you on holidays, before or after?” Niall suggests and smiles as he strokes Harry’s short hair back. ”Yeah, sounds perfect”, Harry responds delighted. 

”We can see about before or after when we get our schedules figured out, yeah?” Niall adds and kisses Harry’s forehead. 

”I want to be with you on New Years eve”, Harry says then and looks firm, maybe thinking he might have to fight Niall on this, but Niall just smiles and gives in. ”Wouldn’t want it any other way”, Niall says and kisses Harry with purpose. 

”Hey, what did your mom and Gemma say, when you told about… Us being together?” Niall asked after they had already been making out for quite a while. Harry looks confused for a moment, until grinning widely. ”'About a time'”, Harry says and joins Niall into laugh. 

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU so much for all the support and here you go with a new chapter! Give me opinions as always.
> 
> And if anyone's wondering, till now the chapter titles have been from Ed Sheerans song Give me love, which had been such and inspiration for starting this story. And now that I thought that this might be a second part of this story, I'm going to change the song, so from now on the titles are from Kygos song Raging. 
> 
> AND hold on to something and prepare yourselves, 'cause on the next chapter there's going to be changes. 
> 
> :)


	11. Leaving you behind but it's not the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”And have you considered what will happen if you guys break up? Will you be able to be friends still and keep the band going? ’cause I don’t think we could survive losing another band member”, Louis talked eyes now soft and somehow understanding, as if he knew how uncomfortable he was making the boys feel. Niall turned his back on them all, placing his hand on the cold counter, eyes on the marble.

Chapter 11

 

The Christmas came quickly and went quickly. Everything went well, Niall first spending few days with Harry at his mom’s place, then going to Mullingar, where Harry came after Christmas. The NYE they actually flew into LA and went to a big NYE party, but ducked out before it was time to kiss. They hid themselves into Harry’s apartment, kissing each other way before they year changed and way past it too. Licking into each other’s mouth hungrily, making love slowly and throughoutly. 

After that they eased into the usual routine, seeing each other every other or every third week. There had been people noticing them spending time together much more, but mostly it was totally innocent. After all they had always been really close, especially in the end they were clearly a pair ant Liam and Louis one. The fans were of course going crazy, seeing pictures and hearing them being together so often, but otherwise it was fine. Niall was getting more relaxed about it too.

So one day few moths before they were supposed to be getting back together as a band, starting to have meetings and stuff, Niall finally suggested for them to tell the lads. They had seen Louis and Liam few times, separately although, but now Niall made sure to arrange a date that worked for all of them. Meeting up in London at Niall’s, Harry had promised to cook. 

Niall was of course agitated, but not as nervous as he would’ve thought. He was almost more nervous about being late, ’cause he had run a little late with a meeting. But fortunately he drove to his house right at the same time as Louis and Liam came, with Liam’s car. They hugged tightly on the driveway and caught up for a moment, before Niall let them in, feeling excited and just tiny bit nervous. After all it was Liam and Louis… He had nothing to be worried about. 

He led them in and heard rattling around the kitchen right away.

”Babeee, hun!” Harry yelled apologetic, making all three of them freeze on their foot. ”Don’t be mad okay, but I broke one of you plates”, Harry cooed the voice coming closer. Niall didn’t even have the nerve to look back anymore, figuring that if this the way to go then so be it. Harry froze too when he got around to the hallway, eyes widening as he saw Liam and Louis behind Niall. 

”Yeah, babe, look who I found from the drive way…” Niall said biting his lip and walking up to Harry, to make sure he knew Niall wasn’t going to be angry or anything. How could’ve he known. Of course he could’ve been more careful knowing the lads were coming, but in the end Niall wasn’t even sorry. Saved them from the awkward situation of telling it to them face to face.

”Not exactly the way we were thinking about telling this, but…” Niall talked and slid his arm on Harry’s waist, glancing at Harry’s shocked face trying to let him know it was fine. ”We’re together”, Niall breathed out, feeling how Harry put his hand on Niall’s back and clutched Niall’s shirt on his hand, trying to ground himself on something.

Liam and Louis had started moving, taking their jackets off and walking in properly. 

”Yeah well, we had been guessing something was up”, Liam said then and smiled crookedly, but eyes still little bit confused and somehow stern. Louis looked baffled. Niall pushed Harry back into the kitchen and waved the boys to follow them. 

Quickly Niall opened them all beers and sat Liam and Louis down on the island, then returning next to Harry, who still looked kind of shocked, but started to relax little by little. ”We were noticing how you weren’t inviting us to many of your gatherings”, Liam teased, making Niall let out a laugh, meaning to answer something back, but Louis beat him to it.

”So are you for real, or are you just fucking around still?” his voice was surprisingly cold, making all of the bodies in the room stiffen. ”Loui…” Liam said quietly with settling voice. 

”For real”, Harry said right away, opening his mouth the first time after his greetings for Niall. ”And it was never just ’fucking around’”, Harry added with a bit coldness in his eyes ad he looked at Louis, who answered with same amount of coldness. 

”And are you going to go public with this?” Louis asked then, Liam trying to calm him down again, but for nothing. Niall was standing around looking around the room, trying to understand where the harshness came from. He would’ve though Louis to be making jokes about them and giving them shit already, not this. 

”No, just letting you know”, Harry answered and looked defensive. 

”And what if it goes public either way? You’re going to keep this going on the tour too? Have you been thinking what it might mean for the band if you go public by accident?” Louis kept on speaking, but now his voice was softer, probably knowing this would be a lot to take in. 

Niall was holding his breath. 

”And have you considered what will happen if you guys break up? Will you be able to be friends still and keep the band going? ’cause I don’t think we could survive losing another band member”, Louis talked eyes now soft and somehow understanding, as if he knew how uncomfortable he was making the boys feel. Niall turned his back on them all, placing his hand on the cold counter, eyes on the marble. 

”We’re not going to break up” Harry said firmly, but his eyes looked somehow defeated. None of them - probably not even Harry himself - knew to which he was answering, to Niall and Harry breaking up of the band breaking up if they did. 

”And how you’re going to be sure of that? Because you love each other?” Louis asked quietly and then Liam placed his hand on Louis’s shoulder, saying quietly but demanding: ”Louis, that’s enough”.   
And Louis did stop. But it might have nothing to do with Liam’s words, he might’ve just said everything he had to say already. 

”Lads, I’m sorry for Louis being such a shithead and attacking you right away, but he has a point though”, Liam continued then, making Niall want to run out of the room. Wanted to run out of the house. Run from the whole situation. Hoping he would’ve never decided on doing this. Telling them. But they were his best friends, Harry’s too. What the fuck…!

”We have known for a while that there’s something going on between you two, and I’m so happy for you guys for making each other happy. You know we love you and we are happy for you, for everything that just makes you happy. But have you thought about what this all might mean to the band? What it might risk?”, Liam talked and stood up, not handling it how Niall was still standing back to them shoulders so stiff it must be painful.

Liam went to Niall and placed hi hands on Niall’s shoulders meaning to relax them, but he just made Niall jump. ”Niall, we…” Liam started, but Niall turned around on his heels, looked Liam in the eyes for one second, with such betrayed look on his face that it made Liam step back and give Niall room to make his way to Harry. Harry closed Niall right into his arms, looking angry, shocked and… sad.   
”Guys..” Liam said quietly and sighed deeply. 

”I think we should rain check”, Harry said with stoned face, making Louis jump up from his chair and walk out of the room. ”Ni…” Liam tried with real sadness in his eyes, browns all frowned. He never wanted this to go like this. He - none of them - never wanted to make Niall go like this, turn to hide himself into Harry’s chest, not be willing to look at anybody anymore. Louis had probably freaked out from that too, that he made Niall go like that, and ran from the scene - as always when he got too uncomfortable. 

”Just go, Li”, Niall said with a broken voice, Harry’s eyes looking a bit angrily on Liam, who didn’t deserve half of it. 

”I’m sorry guys. We support you of course, what ever you want to do, Louis is just worrying for the band, I am too”, Liam said before glancing apologetically Harry one more time and then following Louis to the hallway and leaving with him in few seconds. 

And that’s when Niall broke into small sobs, almost too quiet to hear and Harry soon after him, no matter how hard he tried not to. It was heart breaking, devastating. And not because they’re best friends had said cruel thing to them or that they hadn’t supported them as they thought they would. It was because once they had stated these things - these facts - out, both Niall and Harry knew Louis and Liam were right.

They couldn’t risk the band.

 

\---

 

”Ni, baby -, I love you, don’t shut me out”, Harry plead as Niall had curled up in his bed, back facing Harry, who wanted nothing more than to make Niall feel okay again. ”I’m not, Haz”, Niall said quietly and turned around, fumbling around until Harry came close enough for them to tangle around each other. 

Neither of them was crying anymore, Niall looked rather calm actually. Just sad. Almost as sad as Harry felt. They were silent for a long time, so long that Harry wasn’t sure if they had fallen asleep somewhere in the mist of it. 

”Louis’s such a dick”, Harry sighed finally, hoping some of the anger would slip away through his mouth with the words. ”Yeah, but they…” Niall answered quietly.

”Were right… Yeah, I know”, Harry said almost whispering, tightening his grip around Niall. ”We haven’t been thinking about what all this might do to the band”. 

They were silent again for a while, Harry not quite knowing what Niall wanted him to do. Niall was always so great at taking care of himself that no one hardly ever saw him in a vulnerable state, so Harry was kind of helpless when Niall suddenly just clang on to him like asking Harry to help him.

”You want to talk about…” Harry started quietly, but Niall cut him off by shaking his head against Harry’s chest. ”No”, Niall breathed out. ”Next time”, he said and took a deep breath. ”Next time we see, we’ll talk. Let’s think about all of this while we are on our own again, think what we want and what we think this might do or risk considering the band. What we are wiling to risk. And next time when we see, we’ll talk about it, okay?” Niall spoke rabidly. Just wanting to get it all out, so he could fall silent again. ”And for tonight I just want to…” Niall whispered, but couldn’t finish it. But he didn’t need to, ’cause Harry knew. He knew they just needed to be by each others side and let it all sink in, before they had to be separated again. Before they had to think about all of it.

Even though both of them probably already knew what was coming. What they had to do. But Niall wanted to be sure. He had to go through all the possibilities and make no sudden decision. He had to know there was no other way, before…

Before breaking up with his boyfriend.

 

\---

 

Harry was worried about Niall the whole time they were separated again ’thinking about all the risks and possibilities’. Harry could’ve thought him to be the messed up one, who would cry and fight and peg Niall to stay with him, but he was surprisingly calm. Just sad. Knowing that Niall too knew that neither of them was ready to risk it. Harry loved Niall, had loved him for the longest time, but he knew that touring and making an album was hectic and stressful and it wasn’t for nothing that Zayn left, it all being too much. Harry knew how it sometimes was and a serious relationship with your band mate didn’t quite fit in that picture. 

So when they met each other the next time, the hello was bitter sweet instead of the normal enthusiasm. Niall let him in and they hugged for a very long time, just holding each other and not saying anything.

Then Niall took him to the living room where he had some tea already prepared. ”Thanks, love”, Harry said with a raspy voice as Niall handed him a cup. They were silent for a moment, Niall escaping Harry’s gaze a little, until hi sighed and gave in, looking Harry straight in the eyes.

”I guess you haven’t found a solution either?” he asked with a broken smile. Harry responded to his smile, but it was quite joyless. ”We could always try”, Harry gave him, making Niall just let out a sad laugh. 

”Yeah we could”, he admitted. ”But we’d be risking a lot still”, Niall said and reached for Harry’s hands. Harry took Niall’s hands up to his lips and kissed every knuckle, making Niall’s heart ache. 

”I’ve been over this hundreds of times”, Niall said and took a deep breath, like preparing himself for the real thing. ”I’ve tried to make a solution where the band wouldn’t suffer no matter what would happen with us, and a solution where we would stay in each others lives no matter what, but… There always seems to be risk of…”, he spoke while Harry patiently looked Niall in the eyes. Knowing what was coming, ’cause he had thought about all the same things too. 

”’cause more than anything, more than the band or literally anything, I don’t ever want to lose you, Harry, as a friend, as a dear person in my life”, Niall said and his voice was suddenly some how hasty, like he was in a hurry to say it, like the words might escape him if he didn’t say then fast enough. 

”You won’t”, Harry whispered and kissed Niall’s hand again, leaving it against his cheek after the lips.

”But you know what that means”, Niall said and Harry nipped his eyes closed, to just linger little while longer before it would be said out loud. 

”I know”, Harry said, eyes still closed not wanting to meet Niall’s devastated blue eyes, that made Harry’s chest feel small. ”Say it”, Niall said quietly and frankly quite powerless. ”I need to hear you say it”.   
Harry opened his eyes slowly and met the blue eyes that mirrored the depth of Harry’s love, how endless it was. He didn’t want to say it, but like every other time, he wasn’t going to deny Niall anything. ”We can’t be together as more than friends”, he said and it was Niall’s time to close his eyes, as he pulled his hands away from Harry. It was like Niall would’ve ripped Harry’s heart out of his chest at the same time. Made Harry want to cry. 

Niall hugged himself and pressed his chin against his chest, making Harry cover him with his body, closing him into Harry’s arms and never wanting to let go. Niall was silent again with his crying, but Harry could feel the small tremble against himself, making Harry almost fall apart himself.

”Ni, I love you, Love you…” Harry whispered into Niall’s hair and rocked them back and forth hoping it would sooth Niall even a little bit. The words only made Niall tremble stronger. ”Then why aren’t you fighting it?” Niall let out, very aware of how unfair he was being. But all that had made him able to say all those words was the small hope that Harry would stop him. That Harry believed in them so much that he would change Niall’s mind too. That they would make it, that nothing else mattered as much as them being together. 

”I’ll fight it if you want me to”, Harry spoke and nipped his eyes closed again to keep the tears from flowing. 

”Please, baby, don’t say that we can’t make it without risking everything else. We’ll make it work. I know we will”, Harry talked then and tightened his grip around Niall. ”It’s just you and me Ni, and I love you more than anything. And if that’s not enough then nothing is. Baby, just don’t say that we can’t be…” Harry muttered, making Niall finally wrap his hand around Harry and hug him so tightly and so desperately that it was impossible for Harry to not cry. 

”I love you, Niall. Nothing will change that, I want you. Just you”, Harry whispered and kissed Niall’s hair over and over again. 

”Love you, love you, loveyouloveyouloveyou” it came out as a mantra from Harry’s mouth and they both knew it was the goodbye.

 

\---

 

”So we have decided not to be together when we come back as a band”, Niall said with a steady voice when they were again gathered together, the four of them. This time at least getting around the table before anyone rushing out or asking a rain check. 

Liam and Louis looked more than shocked. Clearly waiting for Niall and Harry to burst out in laughing or something, but Harry’s lowered eyes were more than enough to tell that they weren’t joking. Not at all.

”Lads… I didn’t mean this, when I…” Louis started, but Niall swiped his hand in the air to make him forget everything he was now worrying. ”We know, Tommo”, Niall said and smiled genuinely. ”And don’t even start thinking that this had anything to do with you”, Niall laughed and looked at both of the guys, who looked like wet puppies who were left outside in the rain. 

”Yes, you did state out the obvious, what we had been unintentionally avoided, and after that we had to really think about all of it. What we were risking. Not just with the band, but with us too”, Niall spoke and looked at Harry, who immediately lifted his eyes to meet Niall, smiling lightly. 

”And there really isn’t a solution where we wouldn’t be risking the band or our friendship”, Niall talked. ”Or both”, he added and gave himself a little pause.

”We would always be risking something. For example if we would decide to stay together when we come back as a band, there would always be the risk of it leaking out and it wouldn’t be fair to the band that it would suffer because all the attention and the rucus went to us. It would be a hazard if people would accidentally find out. And there’s of course the risk of what happening if, if something would go wrong between us. ’Cause well, I know, and you all probably know too, that if it would go south with me and Harry, I’d pack my things up and run to Austria or something and wouldn’t return any calls for a year”, Niall joked, but all of them knew how true that was. Niall would probably do just that if they would end up breaking up. He wouldn’t be able to make himself stay, Harry probably would, he was in one way more dedicated to the fans and everything that he would make a fight through it. But Niall would run. He wouldn’t be able to look at Harry every day, knowing it all went to shit and all because they just had to be together even when knowing the risks.

”I just can’t take that kind of risk. Risk that I might lose Harry - and you guys in the process - for good”, Niall said and smiled sadly, trying not to notice how Harry winced when hearing the words ’for good’. 

Niall tried to keep his hands to himself for a moment, but it was a waste. Total waste. So Niall handed his hand out to the table and it didn’t take a second more for Harry to grab it. Take a strong hold of it, like he was supporting him at the same time as stating: ’I’ll never let you go’. Both of them true probably…

”And the truth is that if me and Harry want to do this…” Niall looked at Harry again, and smiled without sadness this time. ”For real I mean, then the time to do that isn’t when we’re busy with One Direction. It’s like dealing ourselves with bad cards. So many things possibly working against us”, Niall said and squeezed Harry’s hand lightly and smiling little wider. ”If we want to have a real chance of making it as a couple, it only rational to do that after 1 D”.

”Woah guys. I knew you had some real feeling going on, but shit, I’m so happy for you that it’s like this”, Liam broke into words after a long while of silence and Harry and Niall just holding each others hands. ”Yeah, same here”, Louis said and smiled, right from the heart. 

”And even though I would’ve been on board either way and would’ve been ready to keep you from killing each other on the tour when you would have your love quarrels, I’m totally supporting you on this too”, Liam continued, winking at the boys. ”Hundred percent”, he added and the smile on his face faded just a little bit even though it was a happy one still, as if he knew how hard this would be. For all of them probably. 

”And what about you, Harry?” Louis asked then and all of them turned to Harry. He looked up with light surprise, shrugging his shoulders then. 

”Believe it or not, I’m the one who would give up on 1 D, before Harry would”, Niall said before Harry had the chance to say anything, with a jokingly tone, but remembered quite clearly how he had indeed been the one who wanted Harry to fight him on the fact that they had to rather stay as a band and friends than risk it all by being boyfriends. Harry had done it, fought him, as Niall wanted. But they both knew Harry was the one in this who would never let the fans down. Would never risk all that they had built in the past six years. As Harry wouldn’t run away even if it would go to south between them. He would stay and finish everything they started, even if it would be hurtful. 

He was brilliant in that way.

”I though you might stay with the movie biz and forget all about us”, Louis teased and smiled crookedly at Harry, who gave out a dry but maybe amused laugh. ”Nah, it’s our band after all”, Harry said and no one needed any more assurance. Harry was all in. As he was with everything he ever did. All or nothing. 

The band and Niall was all he wanted at this point of his life. But if he would lose both for being greedy with Niall, he could never forgive himself. But this he could forgive. Actually there was nothing to forgive. It would just be sad and heart breaking. Being next to Niall not being able to touch and kiss him like he wanted to. 

But as long as Niall just was there. By his side. Was his friend. Best mate. 

It was enough.

 

\---

 

The next few month went past not that fast nor slow, just bitter sweet. Every time Niall and Harry saw each other it was nice and they had a good time like always, but it was there, the knowledge that it would be over soon. 

They didn’t talk about it much. Just enjoyed while it last. Savouring every moment, trying to remember every freckle on each others body, every little thing that made the other one laugh or smile, or moan in pleasure. Just breathing each other in, trying to take everything they could, while they could.

”I love you, you know that, right?” Harry said on one of the last evenings. All of their other works and projects had gotten to their end and they had the first meeting about 1 D, in few days. These few days Niall and Harry spend by locking into Harry’s apartment in LA. Just locking the whole world out, taking these few days that no one could take away from them.  
Just them. Just Niall and Harry. Just two boyfriends before they went back on being best mates.

”Yeah, I know that”, Niall laughed as they laid on the bed under the covers, Harry on his back and Niall on his stomach next to him. They had been watching a movie, which was still playing on the back ground but at some point they had fallen into a deep conversation about everything and about nothing. ”And I love you too”, Niall added when Harry was clearly waiting. 

”But we haven’t talked about…” Harry started, making Niall stiffen up. Yeah, they hadn’t talked about it. Almost anything. It was what it was and Niall felt like there was nothing else to say without making both of them more hurt than they already were. ”What happens after 1 D”, Harry ended and looked Niall in the eyes, studying Niall’s expressions. Niall couldn’t stop himself from remembering how in all of the interviews everybody always implied that after 1 D it was just babies. Everybody would just pop out and have babies right away.

”Babies, right?” Niall joked, Harry understanding right away what Niall meant, joining into his grin. ”But seriously?” Harry asked then, still smiling and just waiting for Niall. Niall had to lower his gaze, not being able to look at Harry’s expecting eyes. ’Cause what did he want from him? A promise? What? How could Niall know what would happen. 

”Are you asking if we are going to wait for each other?” Niall asked then and looked back into Harry’s eyes. His expression didn’t change at all, he just shrugged and flicked his eye brows. ”Would you?” he asked then as if it wasn’t a big deal. As if it wasn’t a huge deal. As if only thinking about it wouldn’t make Niall nauseous, so nervous that he could be sick. Only hoping Harry might do that for him, able to make his chest feel so tight that it made the breathing harder.

”Would you?” Niall asked back, hoping he hadn’t given it all away in his eyes and voice. Harry looked at him for a moment, frowning that Niall didn’t answer him, until rolling his eyes and turning them else where.

”What a stupid question”, is all that Harry answered, making Niall’s heart pump faster. ”I said I love you the most didn’t I?” he continued still and returned to look into Niall’s eyes.

”But how do you know that’ll last?” Niall asked, making Harry scoff almost amusingly, but then going back to the serious face. ”You don’t, then?” he asked back, surprising Niall with the question.   
He did though.

For Niall it felt like forever when he thought about loving Harry. Like there was no end to it, like there could never be. And there probably wouldn’t. But still he wasn’t able to see Harry’s feelings as equal to his own.

”I do”, Niall said, after a while, when Harry had turned his eyes to the TV, to hide the insecurity he was feeling. Fearing he was the only one feeling like Niall might be the great love of his life. 

”But gosh, Harry, we’re young”, Niall said then, making Harry stiffen up. ”And who knows how much we might miss up while just waiting for each other?” Niall said and it was like a slap on the face for Harry. ”I don’t want you to look back and think you wasted your time on me”, Niall said, voice lowering. ”Even though it feels now that yeah this is it, but how do we know there isn’t some other loves waiting for us around the corner? How can we know this is it for us?” Niall asked, trying to get Harry to look at him, but he couldn’t. Not when Niall was saying those words to Harry. 

”Harry…” Niall said quietly after they had been silent for a while and touched Harry’s hand, finally getting some movement in him. ”So what?” Harry asked vein in his voice. ”So fucking what if there would be some other loves?” he spit out at looked Niall with such bitterness in his eyes that Niall hoped right away that he wouldn’t have said anything. But he had to. Other wise those thoughts would’ve haunted him every day on the tour.

”You can go and do what ever you like, of course. It’s your life and you don’t own me anything, I won’t ask you to wait for me, but please don’t come and try to convince me to go and give you up”, Harry spoke angrily, making Niall feel guilty. ”I fucking love you and I’ll love you as long as I love. I don’t need anyone talking me out of it”, he told before turning his head away again and falling into silence.   
Niall was baffled and had to gather himself for a moment, to have the courage to crawl on Harry’s chest and make his way on to Harry’s neck, kiss it slightly and move on to the jaw and the ear.

”Okay, Harry, okay”, Niall said quietly and leaned his forehead into Harry’s cheek for a moment. ”I’m sorry I said all of that. I just needed to say it out loud. That I won’t be feeling like I pushed you into it. Made you wait for me or what ever. I’d never do that, okay”, Niall talked and soothed Harry with his hand on Harry’s chest, drawing circles on his tattoos. ”I just need you to know that you don’t own me anything either. That I don’t want you to feel guilty or anything, if you’d ever find yourself feeling differently”, Niall spoke, knowing Harry was frowning for only hearing that. 

”I want you to know that above else I’m your friend. And I want you to be happy, no matter if it will be with me or with some one else, or what ever the future holds for us”, Niall kept talking, and pulled back just to see Harry’s eyes looking at him again. ”I don’t want to lose you as a friend, no matter what happens”, He said and glanced at Harry’s lips.

”I love you so damn much, Harry. I want you to remember that, okay? Never forget”, he said before reaching up to kiss Harry on the lips, right where Harry needed him. 

”Okay”, Harry whispered against Niall’s mouth before kissing him with purpose, flicking them around in a moment, so that Niall was on his back and Harry on top of him. ”Okay”, he said while hovering on top of Niall, Niall’s hands wandering on Harry’s back, finding their way under Harry’s shirt.

Niall pulled Harry down back against his lips and drag Harry’s shirt up until Harry had to back away to get it over his head. Then he was all over Niall, with hunger in his movements, neediness setting on his bones as if his body already knew that soon he wouldn’t be feeling Niall against him anymore. Harry needed Niall closer. Closer. So close that Niall could never forget the closeness that they had. Something no one else could ever give Niall.

”Harry…” Niall moaned as Harry licked his way onto Niall’s neck and after getting Niall out of his shirt, continuing his way down his chest and all the way to the waistband of his pants. Harry would’ve wanted to take it slow, show Niall his moves and tricks, but suddenly he felt some kind of urgency to just be joint with Niall. To be with him, breath with him, just have him like no one else. 

As in joint decision they started undressing themselves right when Harry backed away enough for them to do so. It didn’t take more than few seconds for them to be naked and Harry already all over Niall, kissing his thighs and touching his bum. Niall knew the need Harry was feeling and didn’t waist time waiting, but fumbled around the night stand to find the lube, throwing it next to Harry, to give him a hint. 

Harry didn’t need be asked twice to be covering his fingers in lube and placing himself better between Niall’s knees. Harry wasn’t slow and throughout as usual with the prepping, instead being kind of rushy and almost panicky. ”I love you”, from Niall’s mouth calmed him a little, but it didn’t take away the squishy feeling around his heart. 

Niall noticed Harry’s bothered expression and pulled Harry closer so he could kiss him. ”I love you Harry”, he echoed and dipped his hands into Harry’s hair, forcing Harry to land his head on Niall’s chest for a moment. ”It’s okay”, Niall said as he felt Harry trembling against him, both of them still very much aroused, but there was something else in the air too. The knowledge of some sort of goodbye. 

”Say it again”, Harry asked with powerless voice, letting Niall pet him for a while longer. ”I love you, Harry”, Niall whispered into his ear and kissed Harry’s hair. ”So much”, he added and finally Harry felt strong enough to pick himself up again, and place himself again between Niall’s thighs. 

They both knew Niall wasn’t all that prepped but neither of them really cared. Both of them just needed each other. Needed to be closer. And so Harry pushed himself in, slowly, to give Niall time to get used to it. Niall held his breath first but relaxed soon, giving Harry the permission to start moving. 

Harry leaned back on Niall’s chest and started moving slowly, but deeply, making them both sigh. 

Niall’s ”love you”’s, made Harry fasten his pace and slowly the sensation of Niall being all around him, made all the other feelings and worries fade away somewhere further away, to wait a time when they would be relevant again. 

Harry straightened his back and suddenly flipped both of Niall’s legs onto his shoulders and pushed as deep as he could, getting a long whimper out of Niall. And then Harry was done with the slow pace, starting to fuck into Niall hard, making Niall flip his hands above his head against the wall so his head wouldn’t eventually hit it. Harry was almost lost in it, only seeing and feeling Niall, but that was exactly what he wanted. In this moment he didn’t want anything else than Niall. And for a moment he was sure that it was what he would ever want. Ever.

”Loveyouloveyouloveyou”, ecoed in Harry’s mind and maybe Niall was saying it, he wasn’t sure anymore, just making his way deeper into Niall, over and over again, not wanting to stop and wanting release at the same time. 

”Harry…!” Niall almost yelled as he became untouched, Harry hitting his prostate even after he was coming down with aftershock. Harry saw only white for a while when he came undone, shoving himself deep for the last few times before collapsing on top of Niall, Niall catching him effortlessly like he had been waiting for him to do so. 

Harry was shaking and it took a long time for him to catch his breath again. He hated how much he felt the urge to cry. Felt the urge to peg Niall to stay with him, not go through with it. Wondering how had he ever thought he could go through with it. Suddenly nothing else didn’t seem to matter.

He knew he would soon come to his senses, he would start to think again, but for now, he let himself wallow in the feeling that nothing else mattered. That there was nothing else than Niall for him.   
Niall carefully turned on his side so Harry would slip to his side too. Then Niall turned to get a small towel from the nightstand and cleaned them up quickly, not wanting to leave from Harry’s side more than Harry wanted him to leave there. The shower could wait. 

After they were somewhat clean, Niall encourage Harry to turn his back on Niall, and spooned against Harry’s back once Harry had turned. After Niall had covered them with the blanket Harry took Niall’s hands with him, placing them against his chest and kissed the knuckles. ”You still love me?” Harry asked knowing how ridiculous it was, when Niall had used the past thirty minutes saying the exact thing to him, but he couldn’t stop himself. He needed to make sure. There wasn’t any other way to calm his heart from the fear of Niall suddenly feeling differently. 

Niall didn’t laugh at him, just kissed Harry’s neck for a while, nuzzling even closer. And when Harry was already wondering if Niall was even going to answer, himself drifting threateningly closer to sleep, he heard Niall whisper against his neck the word that didn’t seem too extraordinary at that moment, but what later on became some sort of life line to him:

”Still”.

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, angst! 
> 
> Hope you still liked it, will be adding another chapter in few days. My pace has been little bit slower now, because I've been working every day, so haven't had that much time to write.
> 
> Thank you all for support!


	12. Gonna be weeks 'til I breathe again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”And I’m definitely not having it easy, not being with you, you know?” Harry gave out a laugh, finally meeting Niall’s eyes. Harry would’ve wanted to say much more, tell Niall how much he missed him even when Niall was sitting right next to him. How he was missing Niall on the stage, watching Niall perform. How Harry was missing Niall in a way he didn’t knew was possible not so long ago. But Harry stayed silent, knowing it would be too much. This would have to be enough. For now.

Chapter 12

 

The beginning wasn’t definitely the hardest. It was hard, but not the hardest. It took a while for them to be really broken up, after they had officially broken up. Of course they stopped fucking around, kissing and all that, but still in their minds Niall and Harry were pretty much still together.

So in the beginning it was quite easy for them to just be swept away with all the work and all the band things that had been so routine and now were kind of new again. They started writing songs right away and putting together the ones the boys had been writing on the break. It was quite easy to just fall into the normal life with the four of them. It was easier to stay away from each other when it wasn’t just the two of them all the time.

Of course the came times when they were left alone in a room or they had to take a car just the two of them, but even then it was quite easy just throw each other an apologetic smile when both of them knew that they only wanted to hold each other. They both knew so it was okay. They were just missing each other.

The difficulties came only when the time started to pass and it wasn’t a few weeks or a month anymore. When they both started to feel frustrated of being near each other but not being able to do anything. Knowing the other wanted it too. So of course it was pond to fail at some point.

 

The first time was after moth and a half after they came back as a band, the first days of touring. They had known that on the tour things would be more difficult, than before when they were still living in their own houses and just seeing each other at the meetings and at studios and on other gatherings. But on tour they were with each other so much more, slept in the same hotels or same tour bus and it was just so much easer to sneak into others door and knock when everybody else were sleeping.

”Haz”, Niall said quietly, little bit scolding, but didn’t turn Harry away, by no means. He let Harry in right away and shut the door right after. 

”Ni, baby”, Harry got around to say until Niall already walked to him and placed his hands on Harry’s waist. He didn’t kiss Harry, but hovered really close, looking at Harry’s eyes, making sure they were as needy as his own were. And then Niall reached for Harry’s lips, making Harry’s whole body melt under his touch, as if this was the first time in a month that he was allowed to breath.

They were quickly on the bed, Niall on top on Harry, Niall pulling his shirt over his head before doing the same on Harry. ”Missed you so much”, Harry whimpered as Niall kissed his bare chest, opening Harry’s jeans at the same time. Niall didn’t answer verbally, instead pulling Harry’s jeans and pants off and palming Harry’s dick in his hand. Harry was exhilarated, and also a little bit surprised of how needy Niall actually was. He hadn’t seemed that way at least not as much as Harry had. Niall had kept his cool during the meetings and preps before getting on stage for the first time that day.

It had been amazing for all of them, being up there again. It felt like ages since the last time, but all of them eased into it right away. And bam, they were One Direction again. The difficulties came once the show was over and the lads were on the back stage waiting for a car to pick them up. They were tired, still not so used to performing again, but Harry couldn’t calm himself down even though he knew he was tired. His eyes just kept on finding their way to Niall, the hunger inside of him growing with every glance. 

Niall had returned his eyeing, but didn’t seem so bothered with it. But apparently Harry was very wrong on that. For Niall seemed to be the needier one, as he was blowing Harry off with a deadly pace. ”Ni… I’m gonna -… If you”, Harry muttered, squeezing the sheets in his hands. 

”Can I fuck you?” Niall asked with voice all hoarse and lifted himself up to see Harry’s blown eyes. ”God, yes”, Harry breathed out and praised the lord for Niall suggesting it by himself. Harry knew he wouldn’t have been that good at topping while he was so far gone. Probably would’ve came before he could even manage to get Niall prepped.

”Turn for me, yeah?”, Niall said almost gentle and helped Harry turn on to his stomach and lift his bum up for Niall. ”You look so beautiful, Haz”, Niall let out and let his hands stroke along Harry’s spine, making Harry see stars in anticipation. 

It didn’t take long for Niall to be working on prepping Harry and again Harry was already almost coming. He had totally forgotten how good Niall was. For a moment wondering why they hadn’t done it this way around more often. They did sometimes of course, but not often. Niall was being so good for him, being so needy and almost rough. 

”Remind me… Not to top all the time when we get back together, yeah?” Harry moaned against the pillows as Niall worked three fingers inside of him. Harry’s words made Niall groan and his dick twitch. Just the combination of Harry’s hoarse voice, moaning, how much he enjoyed Niall topping and the mention of their future, made it impossible for Niall to stall any longer.

Harry winced for the sudden loss, when Niall pulled his fingers away suddenly, but in just few seconds they were placed with Niall’s dick, pushing it’s way into Harry, making him give out a long and high moan. Niall gave Harry just a short moment to adjust, until he set up a ruthless pace, slamming his hips against Harry’s bum, making them both go almost mad.

They had never been this long without fucking before and they both truly felt it. It didn’t last long, but Harry knew he would’ve broken down under Niall’s merciless fucking if it had gone on longer. Niall made them both run over the edge almost at the same time, by starting to pull Harry off when he started to be close. Harry came first and his legs gave up under him, making him flat down on the mattress, Niall on top of him, not breaking the movement despite the change of position.

After they both were done, they spend a little time just laying there, sweaty bodies stuck against each other, Niall placing comforting kisses along Harry’s hairline and neck. Eventually Niall pulled out, very carefully this time and went to get a damp and dry towel. Harry just laid there and turned around when Niall asked, letting Niall clean him. 

”Can I stay the night?” Harry asked then, slowly coming back from the post coital high, realizing where they were and if they should’ve been doing this. ”Of course”, Niall said softly, but didn’t lift his eyes to look at Harry, making him feel kind of bad.

”Just for this night”, Harry had to add, as Niall disappeared into the bathroom to get rid of the towels. He came back with a soft smile on his face, looking at Harry this time, but his eyes covered something that Harry couldn’t really make out. Niall came to the bed and cuddled against Harry, turning Harry on his side, back against Niall’s chest. Then he kissed Harry’s ear and neck for awhile, making Harry forget the place and time again for a moment. 

But once Niall stopped, it all came back. How they were on tour and how they weren’t together again. Niall wasn’t his boyfriend. Harry was ashamed how much he felt like crying. Having much to do with the tiredness, and keeping himself away from Niall and now, suddenly being in his arms once again, like he’d never left. It felt so natural and good, but all the same time somehow so off…

”You still love me, Ni?” Harry let slip out of his mouth, regretting it right away. But Niall didn’t pull away, he just placed his head better on the pillow and soothed Harry slowly with his thumb against Harry’s stomach. ”Still”, he whispered with a smile in his voice, making Harry calm down, relax in his arms. 

 

\---

 

In the morning Harry smiled Niall goodbye, cuddled him shortly before putting his clothes on and returning to his own hotel room. Later on everything was normal again, like it had been before, only with a little bit less tension. And the other lads noticed too, but other than few teasing comment from Louis, they didn’t say anything. They were more happy from it than disappointed or mad. 

The next time this happened after two or three weeks Louis even requested that Harry and Niall should make and agreement to fuck every other week, so the tension around them wouldn’t grow too big, apparently saving everybody from the inconvenience of seeing then drooling after each other. Everybody had laughed and Niall and Harry had exchanged smirking looks. For a moment it had felt so simple that Niall and Harry just kept on going like this, not making it a big deal, so they wouldn’t risk anything, just slowly ’saving themselves’ for each other. 

It all felt quite simple until Niall started to get frustrated with it. 

The nerves were getting to him, the stress of being on the road all the time and his knee starting to act up, all that made him edgy. And because Harry was the closest to him, he often poured it to him, but now that the situation wasn’t so clear, he didn’t know how to pour it to him. He couldn’t go and cuddle him, ask Harry to kiss him until he felt calmer. So then he ended up snapping at Harry, who tried his best to make Niall ease up. 

And that’s when the problems started to evolve. Harry not knowing why Niall was being such a twat towards him, as if he would be mad at Harry for something. Harry tried asking Niall about it many times, but didn’t get an proper answer ’cause there really wasn’t anything Niall was mad about. Other than the fact that he wanted to be with Harry and couldn’t. Wanted to be his boyfriend and not his best mate. Not being worried if Harry had gotten too used to it, being just friends, that maybe he found it better this way after all. That maybe Harry had stopped feeling as deeply as he did. 

 

”For fucks sake, Niall”, Harry sighed as they took a break from rehearsing on one of the new songs at the studio. The others hadn’t followed them into the break lounge, knowing Harry was the one who could make any sense of Niall being a brat, snapping at almost everybody that day. Wile Harry had been having the best day, laughing with everybody, making jokes with the new assistant girl, who flicked her blond hair every time she had the chance. 

”What’s with you? We’re suppose to be recording that in few days. And you are being a total twat about anyone giving you tips”, Harry talked as Niall went to sit on the couch, pouting, and trying to calm himself down, so he wouldn’t start yelling. ”This is not your first time in this biz, you know how to take critic, better than me or Louis, so what the hell?” Harry talked and stood before Niall, who just pouted and looked at Harry’s shoes. 

”Just sick of it”, Niall blurted out finally and as he let the words out, he felt the anger fleet out as well. And he felt almost betrayed by it, how he suddenly felt so much weaker as the anger wasn’t trembling his body anymore. And then it all just rolled out of Niall’s mouth: ”Sick of being so stressed and feeling like I don’t know if I can live up to everybody wishes, sick of you having it all so easy, sick of you being okay without me”.

Harry was silent for a while, his fierceness leaving his body too and carefully Harry moved to the sofa, next to Niall, so that their thighs and arms were pressed against each other. ”First of all…” Harry started with slightly patronising voice, almost setting Niall off again. ”We all feel stressed, but we just handle it differently. Like before, remember?” Harry asked and leaned forward, to catch Niall’s eyes, but Niall ducked his chin lower, not ready to let Harry see that Niall remembered. Of course he knew how all of them dealt with it differently. He had lived with these lads for so many years to know that, after all. But Niall was being a brat. Like he was the only one who was stressed out.

”And you shouldn’t feel like you have to live up to anything what anyone else wishes. You just have to be content, yourself. And if I know you at all, that’s what’s this is all about”, Harry spoke, with a light smile on his face, making Niall sigh. ’cause of course Harry was right. No one ever expected anything more from Niall than to be well… Niall. It was Niall himself who expected something more or wasn’t content with something. 

”And I’m definitely not having it easy, not being with you, you know?” Harry gave out a laugh, finally meeting Niall’s eyes. Harry would’ve wanted to say much more, tell Niall how much he missed him even when Niall was sitting right next to him. How he was missing Niall on the stage, watching Niall perform. How Harry was missing Niall in a way he didn’t knew was possible not so long ago. But Harry stayed silent, knowing it would be too much. This would have to be enough. For now.

”So you still…?” Niall asked with a quiet voice, getting Harry to beam at him in return. Harry seemed so happy, so content, that Niall felt almost jealous. ”Still”, Harry answered, the wide smile slowly turning into a smaller, more tender one, making Niall feel almost as happy and as content, as Harry looked. Even for just a while.

 

\---

 

The touring was amazing. All the lads enjoyed it even more because of the hiatus, it made it feel so much more exciting again. And making the new album, yet again they were more involved doing more themselves on this one, making them all feel proud of it. It was good.

And Harry and Niall had gotten quite used to their situation. Not mentioning how Louis every now and then teased them for being ’so obvious’, but otherwise everything was going fine along the touring and making an album. They were still best mates, they still were the closest, they still occasionally fucked around and cuddled after, but they kept it under control. And it almost fell like enough. 

As long as the first few week break came in the end of the summer. Well the break still went fine, all of the lads visiting family and spending time with their friends and doing their own things. The change happened after they came back from their holidays and the tour continued. Everything seemed to be fine, nothing different. Niall being happy to see Harry again, to be in his presence and caving in right after the first show. He was feeling so electric and he just needed to see Harry, needed to kiss him, needed to feel him.

So that Niall did. After they got to the hotel, he hardly went to his own room before going to knock on Harry’s. Harry might have been waiting on Niall, ’cause he hadn’t rushed to the shower, even though being just on his boxers. Harry smiled sheepishly as Niall stepped into the room.

”You had a good vacation?” Niall asked, causing Harry to shake his head as he walked to Niall. ”Let’s not talk about that”, he said with a smile, which didn’t quite reach up to Harry’s eyes, but it might have been just tiredness. Niall forgot all about it as Harry got up to him and placed his lips on Niall’s. ”Actually let’s not talk at all”, hi smirked against Niall’s lips. 

Niall smiled into the kiss and let Harry’s hands wander around his craving body. Only Harry’s touch was more than enough to make Niall sigh with content. He would’ve been okay with just cuddling and touching if Harry would turn out be too tired. But he definitely didn’t stop Harry, when he wiggled Niall’s jeans off of his legs. Next one to go was his shirt, and then Niall was being led to the bed. 

Harry spend great amount of time just appreciating Niall’s body, kissing every inch, like wanting to cover Niall’s whole skin with his lips. He touched Niall hungrily, but still so tenderly that it made Niall melt underneath him. Niall didn’t know if Harry was teasing him or what, by licking the insides of Niall’s thighs and stroking his hand up and down Niall’s chest and stomach, but he was definitely making Niall go mad.

”You are the prettiest, Niall”, Harry sighed quietly, as if almost to himself, as he admired the view for a second after stripping Niall naked. Harry sat on his heels and had this adorable forgotten smile on his face, when he just let his gaze roam around Niall’s body, making Niall blush horridly. ”Stop staring and make love to me, for fucks sake…” Niall mumbled under his arm, which he placed on his face, to cover the blush at to block himself from seeing Harry looking at him like he’d never seen Niall naked before.

The words worked, though, making Harry go fetch the lube and get to business. Harry stroked Niall’s member lazily while he worked Niall open, making Niall moan loudly by the combination. Every now and then Harry gripped the base of Niall’s cock and stopped stroking him for a while, to prevent him from coming too soon. 

”Baby, need you”, Niall whimpered when he was almost ready to start cry begging for Harry to let him come. Harry maybe heard the desperation in Niall’s voice and pulled his fingers out, to take his boxers off and lube himself up. This gave Niall good while to try and calm himself down. He again rose his arm on top of his face, hoping Harry hadn’t seen how wrecked Niall already was.   
Niall’s mouth cracked open, letting out a soft moan as Harry placed himself on Niall’s entrance and without waiting started to push himself in. 

Niall noticed that it felt little bit different than what he remembered, but he probably was just so close on coming, trying to hold it off, that it made the sensation different. Harry leaned upon Niall, placing his fist on both sides of Niall’s head, making Niall finally take his arm away from his face. 

For just as split second Niall caught Harry’s eyes, which shockingly looked almost painful, but then Harry let out a sigh and dropped himself against Niall, burying his face on Niall’s neck. Niall’s hands flew on Harry’s back immediately, momentarily thrown off from Harry’s pained look, but as Harry increased the pace Niall didn’t really have any room to think anything else than the pleasure Harry was causing him. 

Niall didn’t last much longer, since Harry’s position made Niall’s dick rub against Harry’s stomach with every move Harry made. Harry pushed deep as Niall came, making him almost yell Harry’s name. After Niall was just boneless mess under him, Harry paused and was about to pull out, when Niall stopped him by placing his hands on Harry’s bum, to stop him from moving further.

”Go on. Finish”, Niall said quietly and encouraged Harry to get moving again. Harry didn’t lift his head enough to look at Niall the whole time, but continued the fucking eventually, almost trembling by the lack of friction suddenly. 

Niall was extra sensitive, and Harry moving against Niall’s now softening cock, was almost painful, but he didn’t want Harry to stop. So Niall reached for Harry’s neck, which was the closest thing to Niall’s mouth, and started kissing and licking it to urge Harry on. It did the trick, making Harry start fucking with purpose again, breathing heavily against Niall’s neck. Niall stroked his hands along Harry’s back and butt, eventually placing them again on Harry’s ass, this time bringing one of his fingers on to Harry’s rim. 

And without a warning, Harry was suddenly coming, muffling his moans into Niall’s neck. It felt different, but Niall didn’t mind. Everything with Harry always felt good. Even though Harry started to pull out some what too soon. Usually he cuddled against Niall for few moments, but now he pulled himself up almost right after his orgasm was over. Niall looked at Harry with stunned smile on his face, meaning to crack a joke or something, but then he saw it. 

How Harry didn’t just pull out and hand Niall a towel, but took something else off of him. Niall had to force himself to start towelling himself clean, while looking at Harry tying the condom. When Harry threw the used condom somewhere off the bed, Niall had to lower his gaze, not being able to face Harry.

After Niall had sloppily cleaned himself, he dropped the towel on the bed and turned over, crawling to the head of the bed, to the pillows. He had to use all his willpower to not curl into a small ball, knees against his chest. He just waited for Harry to come lay next to him and bring the blanket on top of them.

”Not a big spoon tonight?” Harry asked jokingly, but his tone was somewhat stern. Or it was just Niall’s imagination. ”Nah”, Niall got himself to say, pressing his face tighter against the pillow, commanding himself not to cry. 

”Want me to hold you?” Harry asked, smile still in his voice, but quieter now. ”Yeah”, Niall let out, scolding himself for wanting it so much, needing it so much. Even though Harry had let him know that this was it. 

The point when they finished being boyfriends for real. 

Niall couldn’t believe how Harry had let him know like this, though. Not having the nerve to talk to him to his face. Of course Niall remembered their talks before the tours, how both of them were free to do anything they wanted. Niall had given that whole speak about how he didn’t want to make Harry wait for him and how he didn’t own Niall anything. Well he didn’t. Still didn’t.   
But yeah, a bit shitty way to be showing it. That the situation had changed. 

And still Niall’s only comfort that night was how Harry was curled up against his back, holding him tight against his chest. How safe he felt in Harry’s arms, even though it was Harry who was making him feel unsafe and insecure in the first place. Harry caused the pain that was making it’s new home in Niall’s heart and still he was the one who could make it better, make it hurt a little bit less. 

That night Harry didn’t make his usual question about Niall still loving him. Niall knew he wouldn’t the moment he saw the condom, but he had hoped. Had waited for Harry to speak, to say anything, so Niall could break into anger and rage. Start ranting to him about how could’ve he done this to Niall, how he would’ve wanted Harry to tell him if he was suddenly fucking other people too, or even dating any one else, not let him in his room and fuck him, just waiting for Niall to understand it himself. Niall wanted to yell at Harry how he was breaking Niall heart, yet again.

But Harry staid silent. And Niall was gone from his arms before the morning.

 

\---


	13. She knows how to smile, but not like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”How fucked up is this…” Harry sighed in return. ”How is this even possible?” he asked, causing Niall to just hug him tighter. ”I don’t know”, Niall whispered and hoped it all would be just a bad dream. ”I don’t know”, he repeated, before they both fell silent.

Chapter 13

 

Niall was basically a wreck, but still on the next day he didn’t get himself to start yelling at Harry. Even when Harry jokingly asked him: ”So we’re back on you sneaking out on me?”. Niall had just laughed dryly and turned back on the other boys, who were talking about something Niall hadn’t paid attention to. Niall was angry though. But maybe he was more hurt, making it impossible for Niall to keep himself together if he would start shouting at Harry. If he would let out what he was feeling he would definitely start crying, he would break down. 

So Niall acted like nothing was wrong. Like the previous night hadn’t been the shittiest in a long time. Like Harry hadn’t broken his trust. Niall would’ve wanted to ask Harry why he just didn’t tell Niall that he was seeing other people again. But that too, was too hard to put into words without losing it all. Losing his mind. 

After that many things changed between Niall and Harry. It wasn’t really anything anyone could right away see, but they felt it. Liam and Louis too, first just thinking they’d had a lovers quarrel but once it didn’t really go back to what it was before, they started to wonder too. But somehow even Louis knew better than to start snooping around, after few comments about it. The reception was so icy that it made it clear that this was something more. 

Harry tried to act normal, being his old silly self, making Niall slowly resent him. Niall was of course his joyful self, but not like before. Not at least when Harry was around. Without him, Niall was quite normal, but right after Harry came into the room or joined the conversation Niall’s vibe changed. Shutting himself up a little. 

They didn’t mess around on the stage anymore like before. With the group yes, but not just the two of them. They hardly did anything without some other people. Harry seemed somewhat hurt from that, making it clear it was Niall who really wanted to stay away and Harry did it just because Niall was doing it. 

After some weeks, Harry started to get bored with it, though. Clearly thinking they would be fine in couple of weeks, but he thought wrong. And even though Niall was positive that he would’ve been able to talk about it all, then, but after the time passed it seemed like too much trouble. Seemed like he would just get himself more hurt again, if he would now start really fighting with Harry. It felt like it would be easer to just let it be. He had gotten quite good at ignoring his feelings towards Harry, after all. 

But Harry wasn’t going the accept that. Like Niall knew, Harry didn’t like it when people decided to ignore him, or not give him all the attention he wanted, that he needed. So Harry started to work his magic on Niall, slowly easing himself into Niall’s presence again. Sitting next to Niall all the time, touching him when possible and starting to call Niall out on stage again, dancing against him, singing to him, making Niall crazy. 

With anger this time.

Harry made people question if Niall and Harry were a thing, as Harry so shamelessly sang to Niall when they sang They don’t know about us or Little things. Kept staring at Niall when he sang or whatever he was doing, making Niall almost hate him. Being so obvious that something was going on between them. So finally it made Niall snap at him.

”Would you stop it?” Niall asked pissed off after one of their shows, at the back stage, not even turning to Harry, but everybody knew who he was talking to. Harry tried to look clueless, just shrugging his shoulders at Niall. ”You’re so fucking annoying, I hope you would just stop badgering me”, Niall spat out and walked of, asking to get a car for himself, leaving for the hotel before the others. 

”Seriously, man, what’s going on between you two?” Liam braved to ask Harry, who acted like nothing happened, even though everybody would see how hurt he really was, on the verge of crying. ”Nothing”, Harry said bluntly before walking off too.

 

\---

 

Few days later they had an interview and even though Harry tried to get himself next to Niall, for some reason Louis made his way between them. Niall gave Louis an thankful smile, before turning to look at the interviewer, making Harry’s blood boil. So Niall wasn’t ever going to talk to Harry? Just make him feel like shit, like he doesn’t matter at all, if he ever did. 

Needless to say that Harry was furious. And that’s why he was somewhat spiteful when the interviewer asked in the middle of the interview about Niall and Harry.

”What do you mean?” Niall asked, voice going cold. He had almost waited for this day to come, when the press would start to pick up on to all Harry’s shenanigans, but still it was a shock when they actually asked about it. 

”There has been rumours about you and Harry having what did they call it, lovers quarrel”, the interviewer asked all innocent, clearly seeing how irritated Niall got. Harry on the other hand, just leaned back and let Niall handle it all. ”There’s a quarrel, yeah, but it’s not between lovers”, Niall answered then, surprising everybody. 

Niall knew this would start a big thing. Probably getting all rumour about them breaking up as a band, to start again. Tomorrow there would be all kinds of things about how Harry and Niall had an fall out and if Niall was the new Zayn. And if One Direction could handle another episode like that. 

”So there’s nothing more between you and Harry, than friendship?”, the interviewer made sure, almost making Niall stand up and just walk out. But talk about scandal, if he would do that. ”No”, Niall answered, making his chest ache. And somewhere deep inside he knew Harry was hurt. He knew all of this hurt Harry too. And Niall was devastated. About their friendship the most. He wasn’t sure if they could ever recover from all of this. Even after years. 

Niall knew he should’ve talked it out with Harry. He knew he should’ve cleared the air, yelled at him, tell him how badly Harry had hurt him. ’Cause maybe then they could’ve restored something left from their friendship. He shouldn’t have hid like he did. Just scared about confronting Harry, revealing him how much Harry had actually hurt him, how much Niall had loved him. How much Niall still loved him. And now he went and broke everything.

 

There was a ruckus as they got to their fitting room, where only their crew was allowed. People were chattering around, but went totally silent, when the boys walked in. 

”Well that was a good place to let me finally know how you feel”, Niall heard Harry’s spiteful voice say as the door closed behind them. ”You know, Harry, fuck you”, Niall breathed out and turned on his heels, to see Harry face to face. Harry looked kind of shaken, even though his eyes were ready for the fight. Ready to take anything Niall was going to throw at him. 

”I know that was a bad move and the wrong place to be saying anything, but you drove me there”, Niall spoke, eyes squinting, while the other people in the room tried to figure out if they should leave or stay, moving restlessly around.

”You were just being the basic you, not giving me any space. Running me into a corner until I can almost find myself resenting you”, Niall spoke and that’s when Liam and Louis started to lead people out. Harry eyed the people passing him, keeping the stony expression on his face, but he was panicking. He was confused and wanted to cry out and ask Niall what was going on. What had changed so much that they had come to that point where Niall would ever be able to resent Harry. What had made Niall say so firmly that there was nothing more between them than friendship, as if Niall wouldn’t have been saying he was in love with Harry just few weeks ago.

”Hey, Niall…” Liam came between, as the room was otherwise empty but the four lads. ”You are being a bit harsh…” Liam said carefully, knowing Niall would get even angrier, but knew also that Harry was almost losing it. He was shaking, giving all his got to just keep himself together, trying to keep his expressions strong. 

”What?” Niall almost yelled. And he never yelled. ”You want to talk about harsh?” Niall asked and turned to Liam and Louis. ”What about Harry letting me know we were suddenly seeing other people by just starting to use condom without saying even a word to me. Me being head over heels for him and left without even a simple explanation”, Niall spoke, knowing it wasn’t fair at all to be sharing these personal things with the leads. No matter how close they were. ”Making me feel like I wasn’t worth an explanation”, Niall said, and before he could really give Liam and Louis time to process it, Harry let out a disbelieving sound.

”What the fuck, Niall?” Harry asked, making Niall turn back to him. ”All of this is because of I used a fucking condom?” Harry asked, eyes wide, mouth left in awe. Niall blushed, hearing how ridiculous it sounded like that, but of course Harry wouldn’t understand how he made Niall feel.

”You are such a hypocrite! I wasn’t the one smooching up all vacation, just leaving me pick up the peaces, while you fucked around, not letting me even know that it was like that between us”, Harry talked, finally gotten some strength in his voice. Niall shook his head in annoyment. ”Care to remind where the hell have I been fucking around? I wasn’t the one needing a condom, was I?” Niall shoot back and that was when Louis pulled Liam with him and left Niall and Harry alone in the room. 

”You could’ve just talked to me, Harry. Tell me that you wanted something else. I told you before the come back that I understand if you want something else than to just wait around, but I meant telling me that before running around fucking and needing a condom with me the next time we see. Not just waiting around until I figure it out myself”, Niall talked, making Harry look even more disbelieving.   
”I used the fucking condom ’cause you had been doing that girl and whoever else on your vacay!” Harry yelled and tears finally spilling to his eyes. 

”I really don’t have any clue what the hell are you talking about. I was in Ireland, I was home, with my fam and when I got back, you were suddenly using condom with me. What the hell should’ve I thought about that?” Niall spoke, agitated, but somehow starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, things hadn’t gone just the way he had thought. 

”I saw the pics and snaps of you kissing that girl and partying every night with her and…” Harry blabbered as the tears over flowed, no matter how much Harry rubbed his eyes with him fists. He looked like a child for a moment, messy hair around his snoggy face and Niall almost already went and closed him in his arms to sooth him. 

”You mean Natalie?” Niall asked with a quiet voice now, as the peaces started to click into places, making the bigger picture all messed up. ”She’s like a sister to me. I never fucked around while in Ireland. I just spend time with my friends and family”, Niall spoke, making Harry rub his eyes harder, body shaking lightly along the flow of tears. Niall hadn’t even thought that kissing another girl on the cheek and hugging them in pictures would bother Harry. That he would ever think about anything of them. He hadn’t been thinking anything of them. Yes, she had been very touchy with Niall, but Niall didn’t have eyes for anyone else than Harry. 

”I was so -.. Jealous, and angry and I -”, Harry tried to speak, without voice breaking or hitching. ”Know now that I should’ve just asked you, but in that moment… When you came to my room and wanted to fuck, I felt so jealous I was going to be sick”, Harry mumbled under his arms, while Niall slowly walked up to him. ”So I took a condom, thinking you would say something, argue with me -.. Tell me nothing happened and we don’t need it”, Harry cried. ”But you just looked away, not having the guts to even look me in the eyes as I put it on”, the cry got louder. For a moment Harry looked like the sixteen year old him, who got the news of not making the cut in x factor. Harry looked young and quite helpless. 

”Hell, I didn’t know you used condom until we were done, Harry”, Niall breathed and placed his hands on Harry’s shoulders, hoping it would calm the boy down, but it did quite the opposite - or the words did, Niall wasn’t sure.

”Of course I would’ve argued if I had noticed you getting some dam rubber”, Niall sighed and suddenly felt so utterly tired about all of it. Wanting to just turn his back on everything and sleep for two weeks. 

”Harry, please stop crying”, Niall plead and wrapped his hands around Harry, quite loosely but still. Harry leaned against Niall and cried for some time, until starting to calm down. For a long time they just stayed like that, not having much to say anymore, or rather had the energy to say or do more. 

”I want to go to bed”, Harry sniffed in the end, feeling almost too tired to even think about fans waiting outside and having to swim across them to the car. ”Yeah, let’s go”, Niall said and backed away, not loosening his grasp of Harry all together. ”Let’s get you to bed”, Niall said and offered Harry a small, quite joyless smile, which Harry answered with similar one, though. 

Niall placed his hand on Harry’s shoulders as they moved to leave the building and he covered Harry the whole way on the car, as the cameras flashed and people screamed. Usually it was other way around, Harry trying to cover Niall or taking care of him, but now Niall didn’t feel the need of anything else greater than keeping Harry away from all the craziness around them. The craziness Niall had provoked with his actions that night. 

 

Niall walked Harry all the way to his room and even tucked him in the bed. Wanting to cuddle next to him worse than any other night before and Harry must’ve read his mind as he took Niall’s arms, when Niall was about the get up.

”Stay with me?” Harry asked with almost voiceless and looked at Niall with eyes that Niall would never forget. They were full of hurt and tiredness, red from the crying, but there were hope too. Hope that maybe Niall wouldn’t reject him and maybe he would lay beside Harry and make it feel alright. Even if it was just for a moment. 

Niall didn’t get himself to say anything, for the lump in his throat, but instead he shook his jeans off and jumped under the covers, spooning against Harry’s back. He pressed Harry tightly against his chest, making them both feel whole for a second. 

”I did…” Harry spoke out after few minutes of silence. ”I did do it with another guy after the whole thing…” Harry whispered, taking a grip of Niall’s hands, as being afraid of Niall pulling away and leaving him there alone. Niall did feel like backing away for a moment, but knew he wasn’t any better either. ”I though maybe I’d feel better once we would be even. That maybe then I could let it go and come back to you and…” Harry spoke, voice cracking.

”I know”, Niall cut him off, with stuffed voice. ”I did too… With another. For the same reason. Hoping it would resolve something. Make me feel more okay with it”, Niall talked, feeling how Harry flinched in his arms, by the information, making Niall’s chest hurt. ”But it didn’t. Just made everything worse”, he sighed and buried his face into Harry’s neck and the curls on his nape. 

”How fucked up is this…” Harry sighed in return. ”How is this even possible?” he asked, causing Niall to just hug him tighter. ”I don’t know”, Niall whispered and hoped it all would be just a bad dream. ”I don’t know”, he repeated, before they both fell silent. Not falling a sleep in awhile, but not having the strength to talk anything anymore. They were all out. And all that kept them together, was their bodies laying so close against each other. Making it feel possible that there was an solution for all of it. That maybe it isn’t all just wasted. 

 

\---

 

Like they knew, it was quite a scandal on the next day, all the gossip magazines and networks and all were just posting things about Niall leaving the band and it being Harry’s fault. There were serious talks about Harry being in love with Niall and Niall freaking out about that, wanting to leave the whole band for that.

When Niall woke up in the morning, without an alarm clock or anyone coming to wake them, he knew the others were giving them a morning off before having to deal with the mess. Giving them time to try and solve things between them before going and talking about it to other people. The management was probably boiling with anger towards Louis and Liam who were keeping Niall and Harry out of their claws for fem moments longer. 

First Niall didn’t remember the day before, when he woke up from his dreams, and the first seconds of feeling Harry curled up to his back, keeping him in a death grip, clearly afraid Niall would be gone before he would wake up. It made warmth spread into Niall’s chest, but then the third second came and he remembered the day before. Remembered what he had said and done and what Harry had said and how they had discovered how both of them had been such a fools. 

Oh why hadn’t Niall just talked it out with Harry, before it had caused so much damage. Niall should’ve just raged, yelled even if it had made him cry. He would’ve out raided the incorrect and they would’ve never come to this. To this situation where Niall didn’t know what was going to happen with him and Harry. Niall should’ve had just talked to Harry. Not keep it to himself and make everything go to shit. 

”Harry, love…” Niall spoke quietly as he turned around. Niall couldn’t stop himself from caressing Harry’s cheek, as the boy started to wake up. ”We have to get up”, Niall said and hoped the whole world would just disappear. That they could stay in that hotel room until they had talked things through. 

”No…” Harry mumbled and pulled Niall closer, nuzzling his face into Niall’s neck, making it all feel so familiar it almost hurt. ”Don’t wanna”, Harry whined and Niall just let Harry hug him. ”All of this is so wrong”, Harry sighed then, but didn’t lift his face from Niall’s neck. ”I know”, Niall answered and wished it wouldn’t be so. 

”Harry, I’m so sorry”, Niall said then, knowing he should’ve said it yesterday and so many times before already. After all it was Harry who hadn’t given up on him, even though he had thought the same as Niall had, that Niall had slept with another and because of that hadn’t stopped Harry using the condom. Harry had been angry with him all the same, hurt all the same, but he had been the one who had been willing to look past it and go back to Niall. He had tried to win Niall over and tried to make him talk and really look at him again. 

Niall had been the shittier one. Giving up on Harry without even a fight. As if Harry Hadn’t deserved a fight over him. Just gave up, when he thought Harry was sleeping with others too. Niall had been selfish and such a martyr, making himself as the only victim, discriminating all Harry’s feelings, as if Harry had never loved him at all. 

”I’m so sorry about everything. I was just so selfish with my own pain and feeling of not being enough or something, so consecrated on being jealous shit that I didn’t think much more. I should’ve talked to you so many times, but I didn’t. And I even blew you off when you tried to talk to me. Driving us both into a situation, where we would do things we could never take back”, Niall talked hoping from the bottom of his heart that they would be able to mend their friendship somehow, even if it would take time. Niall would wait forever, if that meant Harry forgiving him his selfishness and being willing to try and mend their relations.

”I’m sorry too”, Harry said quietly against Niall’s skin. ”I should’ve never been so childish and try making my point by using condom and not talking to you straight away. This all could’ve been avoided, if I had just had the guts to ask you if were sleeping with her or not”, Harry talked, with pain in his voice. ”Truth is that I didn’t really believe you had slept with her. Merely was just pissed about you taking that kind of pictures as if trying to provoke me or something. But when you seemed almost relieved as I used the condom and after that becoming so cold towards me, I didn’t know what to do”, Harry mumbled, making Niall stroke his growing hair. 

”We were both such fools”, Harry ended the conversation, making Niall sigh in agreement. ”Such fools”, Niall echoed, dreading the moment they would have to walk out of the room.

”What are we going to do?” Harry asked as he finally parted his face from Niall’s neck. ”They think we are in a fight and you are leaving the band. At least that’s what I think they will be writing about us”, Harry said and looked at Niall with questioning eyes. Niall sighed again and closed his eyes for a moment. Partly because he tried to think of an answer and also because he hadn’t had Harry so close in a long while and it was quite overwhelming. 

”Ni?” Harry asked just above whispering, making Niall open his eyes and realize he had been silent for a quite a while. During that time, Harry had moved his face even closer, so when Niall opened his eyes he knew Harry was close enough for him to kiss Harry without almost moving his head. And he had a feeling that Harry would move forward if Niall would even glance at Harry’s lips. 

So of course Niall had to. 

And before he could return his eyes to Harry’s, Harry had placed his lips on Niall’s. It felt exhilarating. Making Niall’s head spin even though it was just a small peck, but it was still so intense. Packed with all the stuffed feelings from over the weeks. 

Once Harry packed away Niall knew that if he wouldn’t stop it then, he wouldn’t be able to afterwards. 

”Harry”, he said, when Harry was about to kiss him again. Harry frowned, but didn’t make another move to close the space between their lips. ”Are you rejecting me?” Harry asked, voice going stern. Niall was getting a bit annoyed by how confused Harry could make his mind. Everything about Harry just made Niall’s thoughts go disorientated. 

”No”, Niall said as an automatic. ”Well yes, technically, but”, Niall continued, when Harry’s frown deepened. ”For now at least, but I’m”, Niall spoke, trying to stay put as Harry pulled himself off of Niall’s chest and got himself in sitting position. 

”I get it”, Harry said, with softer voice now, but the look in his eyes bothered Niall. ”Harry, I really…” Niall started not really knowing what he could say to Harry. ”No, Ni, I really get it”, Harry said then and smiled assuredly at Niall. 

”But tell me what do you want to do with them?” Harry continued and nodded to the door, before getting out of bed. Niall was robbed from words for a moment as his eyes just trailed Harry’s almost naked body, when the boy cracked his shoulders before picking up the jeans from the chair next to him and getting dressed. 

”Tell them the truth?” Niall started, making Harry turn to him with confused eyes. ”I mean, part of it at least”, Niall clarified, even though in that moment it didn’t feel like the worst thing if Niall would come out on top of it all. 

”Tell them we are not going to break up as a band and that we are still friends. We are friends still, right?” Niall asked then and felt his heart pumping in his chest, with fear of Harry saying no, or looking apologetic. 

”Of course, Ni”, Harry said without looking at him, but his voice told enough. It just lacked the silent ’dah’. ”And then we work from there”, Niall said and got up from the bed too, starting to get dressed.   
”Yeah?” Harry asked after a small silence, looking at Niall from the other side of the bed. Niall was a bit confused of Harry’s relieved look, as if Harry had still thought that Niall didn’t want to work things through with him.

”Yeah, we’ll work from there, work things out”, Niall said and nodded at Harry, who gave him a small smile. Yeah. Maybe they could make it. Maybe they could mend it. Maybe it wasn’t lost after all. And when thinking about that, Niall didn’t let himself clarify himself to what kind of relationship he was hoping to mend. Friendship or partnership. 

But when Niall walked out and glanced at Harry once more, before heading to his room, he couldn’t stop himself from hoping that maybe the love in Harry’s eyes wasn’t turned into plain platonic. Perhaps Niall hadn’t rushed all of those feelings away yet. 

 

\---

 

”So besides this whole talk show, to all of you fans out there”, Niall talked, turning straight to the camera with a smile on his face. ”Don’t you worry about a thing. We’re still here, and we’ll continue being here. No one’s leaving and we are still best mates. But you all know that things happen and even we aren’t perfect, no matter how much you might think so”, Niall talked, smile widening to his usual grin. ”So bare with us give us a bit time, and everything will be better than fine”, he assured and turned to look at the lads, before returning his eyes at the interviewer, who seemed somewhat disappointed. As did almost all the other interviewers too. All of them waiting for some continuing for the scandal, but everything seemed to be fine.

To where the media responded by accusing that it was all management, telling Niall that he had to say that, even though it was all his own words. The meeting with the management had been quite short, they knowing too that this was more media making a scandal than it really being one. They did scold Niall for his actions on the other interview but other wise they didn’t have that much to say. 

”So this would’ve been perfect time for you two to come out, right?” Louis said as they were safely on their tour bus again, after the interview, ready to head out to the next city. ”Would’ve given the media the scandal they wanted”, Louis smirked, making Niall give out a laugh, but smiling kind of awkwardly afterwards. ”We don’t really have anything to come out with at the moment”, Niall said then, giving Harry a look, making sure he wasn’t taking it the bad way. But he was fine, knowing what Niall meant by it. There wasn’t a possibility of them suddenly coming out as a couple, when they weren’t one. Even though Niall might have some hopes of Harry maybe having same kind of feelings towards him, they couldn’t just pretend that all of the mess from the last weeks, hadn’t happened. 

”Nah, just have some make up sex already and get it over with”, Louis sighed and waved his hand, clearly not taking Niall’s words into heart. He knew Niall was serious, but just decided to believe otherwise. Like Louis often did. ”Every day I wish more that I had never said anything to make you guys think about the risk and all that bullshit. You should’ve just went with it. The only risk for the band is you two NOT being together”, Louis talked and grinned in the end, making Niall lower his gaze with a blush. 

Coming from Louis it meant a lot. Making the hope in Niall’s heart grow. And as Niall got himself to look up and find Harry with his eyes, he was almost certain of seeing the same kind of hope in Harry’s eyes too. 

 

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to post another chapter right after, 'cause of course Harry wouldn't really do that to Niall without any explanation. 
> 
> I hope you liked and I'll post the next one soon enough!


	14. Brave it all for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Okay”, Harry said finally, but as he lifted his gaze, his eyes were almost challenging. ”Okay, but only if you kiss me now and show me there’s something there still. That you feel it too, and this isn’t just some wicked way of yours to get me out of your hair, distance me from you and let go easily”, Harry claimed, making Niall almost laugh. 
> 
> In the next second Niall had thrown his hand on Harry’s neck and pulled Harry on his lips, kissing him with all he got. Letting all the negatives thought, all the doubts, all the regrets and hatred, fall away for a second, just setting his mind on the fondness he felt for Harry.

Chapter 14

 

”Of course it had to be a girl”, Harry huffed and turned on his heals like wondering if he should just walk straight out of the room. 

”What does it matter?” Niall asked, trying to hush down his irritation. Niall almost wanted to remind Harry that they hadn’t been together and Harry had too slept with another person, but kept his mouth shut, ’cause he didn’t want to blow this. Harry being willing to talk things through with him.

They had been mending their friendship the past few weeks, first just trying to get back their natural behaviour around each other, but in the end both of them had notices that they wouldn’t get far if they wouldn’t talk things out. Like really talk them out. And that they had been doing, until Harry got tempered with the knowledge of Niall sleeping with a girl and not a boy. 

”Well if you haven’t noticed, you never even told me if you were gay or bi, you didn’t tell me anything you thought about things, for that matter”, Harry answered and started to walk around the room, trying to calm himself down. Niall frowned on the bed, sitting on it’s foot, trying to find something to defend himself. After a while he had to admit that there wasn’t anything. 

”I know I didn’t talk about all that, so much, but I was still trying to figure things out myself. I’m sorry I didn’t open up to you better”, Niall talked finally, making Harry stop his walking, stopping on the other side of the room. ”But I still don’t get why you’re so pissed of about her being a girl”, Niall continued, knowing he was poking the hornet’s nest. Harry starting to walk around again for a moment, before stopping and turning to look at Niall, eyes firing up. 

”Of course I’m fucking pissed that you crave something that I can never give you. It’s like being jealous times two and never feeling like I could be enough for you”, Harry let out, throwing Niall way off. Yep, he hadn’t waited for that, no no…

”Haz…” Niall said quietly, frowning his brows with shock and confusion. But his heart starting to beat faster by the fact that Harry was still very much jealous of him and how he talked like wanting to be everything Niall would need or want. Wanting to be enough for Niall.

And gosh, he was so enough.

”No, don’t”, Harry denied when Niall was about to get up and come to Harry. ”I’m just trying to talk everything out, so we could get somewhere. So I definitely don’t need your pity or anything. I’m not trying to manipulate you to feel sorry for me or something by saying these things”, Harry talked, only making Niall surer of his decision of getting up and walking to Harry.

First Harry tried to walk further, but gave up when Niall didn’t seem to. ”Harry”, Niall said when he finally caught up to Harry, taking Harry by his hands, that were crossed of his chest. He looked at Harry for a while, gathering his thoughts and his courage to open up to Harry. For real finally.

”This is me telling you things that I haven’t been saying to others, not being ready to talk about it that much”, he talked and searched for Harry’s gaze until Harry just had to give in and return Niall’s gaze. ”I’m bi”, he declared and hoped Harry wouldn’t seem too disappointed.

”But it was very confusing to try and figure that out, ’cause I haven’t really seen anyone else besides you for so long”, Niall spoke, continuing right after, so he wouldn’t lose his confidence, under Harry’s surprised eyes. ”But I am attracted to both genders, but with guys it has mainly just been you always. I didn’t really feel capable of even thinking of having sex with another guy after you. It somehow meant too meaningful, you know. With a girl it was somewhat easier, since I have never been really so in love with any girl, it’s just attraction”.

Harry looked baffled, quite speechless, so he just ended up squeezing Niall’s hands, to tell him he heard him and appreciated his effort of telling him. Niall wanted so badly to just kiss Harry, make himself believe everything was fine now, but when Harry leaned forward, Niall shook his head just lightly, still not mowing away. Gripping Harry’s hands tighter, to not let Harry back away from him, ’cause of Niall’s rejection. 

”I want to”, Niall hurried to say, as he saw the hurt in Harry’s eyes. ”But even if things at this moment feel like working out, there’s still much we haven’t entirely forgiven each other or to ourselves”, Niall talked and pulled Harry closer as he wanted to back further away. ”If we would just go back to something what we were, it would be doomed. Us still resenting everything that happened between us. I know you won’t forgive me for having sex with her, in a while, so…” Niall spoke, hoping from the bottom of his heart that Harry understood. Know that Niall wanted him for real and that’s why he wanted to wait and take things slow. 

”If we rush now, we deny ourselves the possibility of getting over this all”, Niall said and shook his head. ”But getting over this doesn’t mean getting over each other or moving on to something else or someone else, okay?” Niall added and tried to smile convincingly. 

Harry looked down, pouting but didn’t try to back away anymore. Just bit his lip, trying to find something to argue with, but knowing Niall was right. Like he so many times was, being the rational one, when Harry just wanted to follow his heart and do what felt right in that moment. 

”Okay”, Harry said finally, but as he lifted his gaze, his eyes were almost challenging. ”Okay, but only if you kiss me now and show me there’s something there still. That you feel it too, and this isn’t just some wicked way of yours to get me out of your hair, distance me from you and let go easily”, Harry claimed, making Niall almost laugh. 

In the next second Niall had thrown his hand on Harry’s neck and pulled Harry on his lips, kissing him with all he got. Letting all the negatives thought, all the doubts, all the regrets and hatred, fall away for a second, just setting his mind on the fondness he felt for Harry. 

 

\---

 

They took it slow. 

Mended their relationship. First making sure they were real friends again, coofing around, messing with each other, joking and laughing together. Being comfortable with each other presence again, wanting to be there without hesitations. Then they slowly moved to harmless flirtations, that really meant a lot for both of them. Letting the other know that even if mending their friendship was the main point, it still wasn’t quite enough for neither of them. The long glances, secretive touches were meant to show the other person that the feeling hadn’t disappeared. When the haltered and resent started to fade, the fondness never did.

They were friends again quite fast and it was easy. It had always been easy for them to be around each other, if not thinking about the few weeks when they were ’fighting’. Niall was ever grateful for how Harry started to forgive him, and Niall started to forgive Harry. Well for Niall it wasn’t that hard. He knew he had fucked up when he hadn’t argued with Harry right after and how he pushed Harry away, when Harry tried to lure his way back to Niall’s presence. Niall remembered the night when he had left with the girl, as half revenge of Harry letting one guy flirt with him. 

Niall was the one who had probably put the fucked up situation rolling, causing Harry to take the guy home too. Niall had felt the worst after having sex with the random girl. She hadn’t stayed the night ’cause Niall just couldn’t stand looking at her on the bed, where Harry was suppose to be laying. Niall had regretted it before even doing it. Just being a twat, wanting to get some kind of revenge on Harry. Wanting to hurt him as he had hurt Niall.

So Niall didn’t have that much of an hard time on forgiving Harry for sleeping with the guy. He had already thought the guy was one of the many Harry had been smooching with already, so it was more of an relief to know that it had been one guy and one night thing. Harry hadn’t contacted the lad afterwards. Neither had Niall did with the girl.

But either way, Harry had harder time on forgiving Niall. Maybe because he would’ve never believed Niall being capable of hurting Harry like that. Taking a girl home when Harry was trying to give him the silent treatment and letting the guy flirt with him, hoping to get some kind of reaction out of Niall. 

So it took time for Harry to start forgiving for real. He still felt betrayed and he was being jealous when ever Niall was talking to some girls. Harry was being jealous like he had never been and they had already had few fights over it. Niall being annoyed for Harry’s insecurity about Niall being bi, and not gay. 

”Are you seriously trying to make me feel like shit?” Harry asked one evening after the lads had been hanging out with some people they met through friends. They had chilled at one of the lads home and it had been very nice. Having a chilled out evening as if for a moment they had been just group of friends having a laugh instead being world famous pop stars.

”What, no!” Niall breathed out as Harry walked into his hotel room. 

”Well it felt like it, avoiding me the whole night as if it would be the worst thing if anyone would see us being close. And I’m starting to get really tired of this. Your ’taking it slow’ and just making me sit on the side when you try and figure out if you still want me or not”, Harry talked, angrily, but also the tiredness and the insecurity shining through, making Niall widen his eyes and look at Harry in shock.

”Harry…” Niall let out, not knowing how Harry was even thinking like that. And fearing if this was how Harry had been feeling all along, when they were mending their friendship. That Niall was figuring out he wanted to be with Harry or not. While Niall was just trying to make sure Harry still wanted all that as much as he wanted. Wanted to make sure Harry wasn’t too resentful of what happened so that he would end up breaking up with Niall in the end.

”Don’t give me those pitiful eyes. Just grow the guts to tell me if you don’t want me anymore. I understood when you wanted to press pause while touring, us having so many things going on, and I still understand it but I really need to know soon, if you want me like that anymore or not. I try to put on a brave face, but I’m still very much in love with you and it’s not going away. So if you don’t feel the same anymore, if all the bullshit took your feelings for me away, then please tell me, Niall. I have wanted you the whole time, right from the start, and yes I know this whole thing would haunt us and I would still be jealous as fuck, but for me it doesn’t matter”, Harry poured out, frowning his brows extra hard. 

”I would’ve continued dating you while touring if I had known that’s what you wanted too. But I gave you time, ’cause I knew you had to be sure that this”, moving his hand between him and Niall. ”is worth risking other things for. Of course I was worried for the band, but it was never because I was worried of my own feelings changing. I needed you to be okay with yourself and be sure you loved me the same, as I did you”, he explained, making Niall breath all shallow, not having any words to give to Harry. Being too overwhelmed about all the information he was getting. 

And there he had been. Thinking that Harry would’ve been the one choosing the band over him, but it was never like that. For Harry there had never been any choice necessary to make, ’cause Harry hadn’t been unsure of them making it through as a couple. Like always, with Harry, it was all or nothing. And with Niall he had been all in. But it was Niall who had been unsure of them. Fearing that they might break up. Not trusting Harry’s feelings, or his own. Fearing people finding out, not being ready to come out. Not ready to be all in.

Because dating your band mate and best friend, while touring and spending every day together, doing your job together, really needed you to be all in. And Niall had been too scared to do that. Too fucking scared to let himself love Harry as much as he knew he would, if he would just let himself. 

At the stalling had been for him, the ’taking it slow’. It had been for Niall to have time to figure things out, to build some more trust on Harry’s feelings, so he would be ready to lay his heart on Harry’s hands. It had been a excuse for Niall, when he thought Harry was the one who needed time. That Harry was just being Harry and following his heart and not really thinking further, when he had tried to kiss Niall few times, wanting to go back to what they were. But what Niall hadn’t let himself admit was that Harry was doing so because there wasn’t anything for Harry to question any more. He wanted Niall the same as he had wanted him before the whole mess. It hadn’t changed.

He didn’t need time to be okay with Niall sleeping with another person that one time, he didn’t need time to forgive Niall before getting back together. He didn’t need to figure out ’yes’ or ’no’, because with Niall, Harry’s answer would always be ’yes’.

For Harry it had always been Niall and he knew he would want Niall even in the extreme situations; even if Niall wouldn’t be ready to really be with Harry or if he would want to keep them a secret till forever. He would want Niall even when Niall wouldn’t be able to match his feelings. So it hadn’t required any time to figure things out if he wanted Niall or not. He was just giving Niall time to figure his head out. Figure out his feelings. 

”Harry, you know how I feel”, Niall tried, while knowing it wasn’t true. Of course Harry knew Niall cared for him, he had always cared for him, but other than that he didn’t know much. It had always been Niall who didn’t talk to Harry about his thoughts, shutting Harry out, not giving him any chance to earn Niall’s trust. That’s how Niall had always been. Trusting the lads with his life, loving then endlessly, wanting then around all the time, but still not sharing his mind for real. With things that truly mattered, he often kept to himself. 

Always needing Harry to push him a little. Sometimes Harry knowing Niall better than Niall knew himself, understanding his wicked mind when Niall didn’t have the guts to admit things to himself. Being brave when Niall was scared. Being something Niall knew he could always hold on to. 

”No I don’t, Niall. That’s the thing, that I don’t know how you truly feel”, Harry answered the irritation fleeing away in a swept moment. ”I know how your mind works, but I still can’t make out how you feel about me, or at least what you want”, Harry said and looked somewhat vulnerable. 

”I’m just asking you to tell me what you want. If it’s me you want and if so, how you want me”, Harry talked, making Niall’s heart ache, ’cause he would never want Harry to give anyone the possibility to give himself anything less than he deserved. He would never want Harry to be okay with taking just anything he gets. 

But he was the one who had been doing that all along. Not giving Harry a chance, not trusting him enough to really talk to him or trusting Harry’s feelings. Doubting them and doubting him. Underrate how much Harry was actually willing to do for Niall. 

”I -…” Niall breathed out, but somehow there was no words. Leaving Harry hanging once again, making him wait for him, until he would be ready. ”It’s okay, you don’t have to say it now. I know this all is a lot to take in probably, but just please Niall…”, Harry looked beaten, making Niall want to cry for how he was the reason for that. ”Let me know, will you?” he asked and looked Niall for a moment, before turning around and walking out. Leaving Niall with his raging feelings and messed up mind. 

Leaving him pick up the peaces that he had himself shattered. Peaces of Harry that he had handed for Niall to keep, right from the start. Being willing to do anything Niall wanted. To be anything he needed. Anything, anytime and as long as Niall would have the use of him. 

 

\---

 

Niall wanted to scream it out. Tell Harry how much he loved him and how much he had always loved him. How Niall was surer every day that Harry was the love of his life. How he would do anything for him and how he had only been so scared. Oh so fucking scared. 

Niall had always been scared of getting himself hurt by Harry. Harry had so much power over him, and that if Niall would hand his heart to Harry and if at some point Harry would hand it back, not wanting it more, Niall’s heart would be totally useless. It was all for Harry and still Niall hadn’t found the courage to give it to him. Be truly his, when Harry had all along been his. 

And even after two days of thinking about how he was more than ready to come out to everybody else if it meant making Harry feel better, Niall couldn’t find the voice to say it out loud to Harry as they all got ready to going on stage. It was one of their last shows. The tour would be over soon and it was still open if they were going to be touring the next year again, or slow their pace down. Or if they were going to stop for real, which was very unlikely but possible still. It was all in the open.

Niall was sure now that it didn’t matter either way. Now that he knew it didn’t matter for Harry, how he would’ve never broken up in the first place if Niall would’ve been ready and sure of them, if he had trusted them. It didn’t matter if they would stop being a band or if they would go on, he still wanted Harry. But even still Niall found himself speechless as he looked at Harry on the other side of the room, getting his hair done. Making Niall’s heart swell with the thought of how Harry could be his and he could be Harry’s. 

And it was breaking Niall’s heart how all that suppressing and hiding, all the stalling had been for Niall, never for Harry. Harry just giving him time and trying to understand even when Niall wasn’t telling him anything or letting him understand even half of his thought. Harry had just been taking what Niall was willing to give him.

Which was all.

But Harry didn’t know that. Harry didn’t know Niall was all in, too. Wanted to be at least. The reason of Niall being so terrified about the risks and about everything going wrong was because he had always known he loved Harry more than enough- too much. And that’s why it had taken this long to overcome the fear of losing Harry. Not knowing if there would be anything left if he would lose Harry.  
Harry was it for Niall. 

And yet Niall couldn’t say it to Harry and make it all okay. Let the boy know there was no reason to be worrying. More than anything he wanted Harry to know how much he loved him and how much he wanted him. And how sorry he was that he made Harry ever question it, if Niall still wanted him or not. 

Before Niall could find courage to say anything, even a simple hello, to Harry, they were called to the stage and they had to go. Niall not having the chance to tell Harry how he felt, like he hadn’t had for the past few days. Making Harry wait in agony, as if it would be a hard decision. As if Niall would have to think twice if he loved Harry from the bottom of his heart. 

 

Niall worked on autopilot through the show, singing in haze, just trailing Harry with his eyes. Not being able to take his eyes off of him, and hoping Harry would magically understand everything Niall felt for him if he would just look Harry hard enough. 

Understand that Niall would live the most complicated and hardest life with Harry, over any other life possible for him. He didn’t want anyone else, and that’s when Niall understood it. In the middle of them singing ’You & I’ and having fun on the stage. Harry turning to sing at him in the end and smiling like he did, wide and adorably. That’s when he finally figured out that it would truly be worth the risks. And the reason why Harry had been ready to risk it for them, was because he had had trust in them. 

He trusted his own feelings, knowing he would love Niall till the end and the trusted them to have a change on making it, working things through even if it would sometimes get hard. And now it was Niall’s time to trust in them too. Trust on Harry. Trust on him with his heart. 

Niall didn’t even realize how widely he was grinning and still just staring at Harry’s eyes, when the song ended and their ears were filled with screams. Harry was smiling too and not turning his gaze away, seeing that Niall was finally ready to say something. Ready to let him know. Making Harry’s body stir with anticipation, making him hope the show would come to it’s end already. 

But he didn’t need to wait till the end, as Niall decided Harry had waited long enough. How Niall had made Harry wait way too long. So Niall brought the mic to his lips and just continued looking Harry in the eyes, smiling. 

”Harry”, Niall called, even though he could’ve let him know with just a simple nod or something. Anything would’ve been fine with Harry. But Niall was done with giving Harry just something when he truly wanted to give him everything. 

”Niall”, Harry called back, the smile staying but his jaw tensing with the nervousness. Heart bounding maybe faster than ever before. Niall still grinning, beaming like the sun. Making Harry’s skin warm and flushed. 

”Still?” Niall asked, grinning like a child, knowing that anyone else wouldn’t quite understand, but that Harry would. Harry would know how much this meant, him asking, even when Harry had just few days ago declared how he was still very much in love with him.

”Still”, Harry let out and then they were both walking to each other. ”Still”, he repeated, now louder and more firmly. Niall’s smile widening, if it was even possible.

”You?” Harry asked, just before they met in the middle and closed each other into a tight hug, Niall burying his face in the crook of Harry’s neck.

”Always”, Harry heard Niall say into his ear before tightening his grip and then letting go, smile never leaving his perfect lips. ”Fucking always”, Niall repeated, letting Harry see everything. See that this was how he had always felt. Not suppressing any of it, shamelessly letting Harry see it all in his eyes and in his smile. Finally giving in for the urge to let himself be Harry’s. Trusting Harry with his heart, not even caring if Harry would break it or not. 

None of that mattered anymore, ’cause if there was a risk Niall should take, this was it. Suddenly it feeling the most simplest decision ever, making Niall give out a confused laugh for how long it took him to realize it. 

He had known Harry was it for him, but finally, fucking finally he trusted that he was it for Harry too.

Niall was preeeetty sure of that as he just looked at Harry for a while more, people cheering madly, before the next song would start. Harry’s eyes were as open as his, letting him know how Harry had waited for this. Niall to realize nothing else really mattered. 

How they were them. Niall and Harry. And they would continue being them. Always. After years and years the answer wouldn’t be any different. 

 

’Still’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE IT IS!
> 
> A massive thank you to all of you, you are the best! And I truly, madly hope that you liked this, even though my motivation started to waver at some point, and that's why it's quicker pace towards the end. 
> 
> So yep, this is the end and I hope you liked the journey. I might do an epilogue or something, giving you a glimpse of how their life would be some time after, but we'll see.   
> I truly loved to write this and I will probably be doing some other Narry things soon enough, so hopefully you might want to read them too. You can give me ideas of what you might like to read, I can try to write something from them, but no promises. :D
> 
> PLEASE give comment and tell me what you liked and what you didn't like. I try to take the critics well and try to do better next time. 
> 
> Most of all, THANK YOU for reading! I know it was toooo long, but glad you got through with it! xx


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